Saturday, October 11, 2014

11 Oct 2015

Facing some really significant changes at work currently, and feeling really overwhelmed.

I cannot remember the last time I felt so in over my head; as if I am swimming in murky waters, trying to find the shore that I cannot even see in the horizon.

But I know that while all these is daunting to me, I am still glad for this opportunity at a new challenge.

I am not exactly someone who seeks out challenges deliberately, or even need any to validate my own sense of existence. I do like being satisfied with a job well-done and the pride that comes with knowing that I have done well, not just for myself, but also for the management and company that have taken care of me for the past six years.

This company has been a turning point in my life, at a time where I felt really lost with nary an inkling of how my life should go. Sure, there were moments in the initial years I was unhappy and wanted to leave so badly, but I stuck on and I am now at a point where I can be happy with what I have achieved so far. Not to mention the great mentors and friends that I would never have the chance to meet if I had not been here.

And when my Dad got sick at the beginning of the year, not only was I given the leeway to concentrate on taking of him, I was given so much support, advise and concern by my boss as well as my peers.

The initial thought of taking up this huge challenge, perhaps the biggest one for me yet, was not exactly for glory, although it was a part of it for sure. Let's be honest, no one does anything without hoping for some form of personal recognition, right? But it really did stamp from a desire to help and make everyone's lives a little bit easier. There were parties involved whom I cared about, and I just want to do what I can to help.

Sadly, thus far, not only have I not lightened anyone's burdens, I feel like I am carrying a huge rock on my shoulders as well. And the belief and faith some of the people around me have in me, is giving me such immense pressure. These are people I really respect and will never want to let down.

But but but...

I do believe in myself. I believe that I have not come this far by chance. I believe that my faith and belief will lead me to right, and that as long as I conduct myself with integrity, kindness and respect, I can never go wrong.

Ultimately, all I want is not to disappoint the people who care and believe in me, to be able to give my parents a reason to be proud of me. And of course, to be able to buy many things, and go travelling to many countries will be nice too. :)

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Masochist

Intoxicate me silly, why don't you?

How many times can one imprint the pain onto the one who is causing it, although through no fault of anyone?

Maybe life is just so.

Full of intense and overwhelming feelings that you simply forget about once everything is over. And you begin to miss it. Subconsciously seek for it. Consistently getting drawn towards it.

I freely admit, I must have sought it out because it does seems like the purest of joy comes from the truest of pain.

Because I am.

"Even if I hit you a million times, it will not be the same."

Friday, September 12, 2014

GDE #7

The last time I thought the end is near was a year ago. I geared myself and was expecting the worst. Yet, something I never thought could happened did, and it has been a really unbelievable time. Every minute worth a penny, and every penny worth treasuring.

Now it really feels like the end is near.

I won't bargain. I can't.

I won't expect. I shouldn't.

I won't ask. Because the world is not up to me and my whims.

All I wish for is for the Fates to be kind to me. To weather through this without scath.

"I wish you nothing but smiles and happiness."

Saturday, September 06, 2014

GDE #6

Because it feels real.

That's all.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

GDE #5

The saddest tears are usually shed alone...

CIHH?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

It's August!!! AUGUST!!!

I cannot believe that it's been a good four months since I last posted anything! -SCREAM FACE-

The past four months have been a flurry of activity, although if you ask me, I will not be able to list down anything major that went down. It has definitely been an interesting year thus far. Ideas and opportunities that have not even crossed my mind before suddenly presented themselves to me. I am not sure what will happen down the road, because it will definitely not be easy, but it is something I know that I have to do.

Truth be told, I do feel like I am going into a different phase in my life. The crossing over, so to speak. I have always thought it will happen when I turn 30, but apparently in my case, it's happening now, a year later. I am still not very sure how I feel about it though. Some days, I still feel as lost as the fat thirteen-year-old girl with her rounded, gold rimmed spectacles and pony-tailed hair, stepping into her secondary school for the first time, feeling totally awkward and out of place.

But I am aware that I have come a long way since, and that such feelings are momentary lapses that will always happen because we can never deviate from who we truly are. Not saying that I still feel awkward and out of place, but that these feelings, the thirteen-year-old girl will always be a part of me. No matter what happens, no matter how many phases in life and crossing overs I have gone through, I still remember her the most because no one can ever forget that feeling of being so scared of where she was that she felt like she could pass out anytime from being so self-conscious and hating the very skin she was in.

But hey, I went on to survive four years in that school, and also much more difficult environments after that. So that is my rainbow lining. And on days when she comes back to me, I will embrace every single bit of that walk down memory lane because despite everything, she is a wonderful reminder for me to be humble, appreciative and thankful for what I have now.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

01042014

As many bodies on my FB posted today; it's April! 2014 is officially a quarter past! Happy April's Fool! =)

Things have been going well at home. Our helper is settling in well, although there are some teething issues and adjustment in both me and my Mum's daily routines, I have been feeling really good about the way things are for a while now.

I guess when something like this happens in your family, your perspective of everything around you shifts. At least for me, it did.

I realised that a lot of the negative things that I used to fixate on, just cease to matter altogether. All I want is for my love ones to be happy and healthy. Which may seem like something fundamentally simple, but is ultimately something you may hope but impossible to demand for.

Such is life, I guess. You can spend many years of your life preparing yourself for it, but when it hits you, it hits hard.

To be honest, old age and the ailments that comes along with it really scares me. Although I have never really been the kind of person who displays a lot of emotions towards such circumstances, and I have experienced my fair share in my 30-odd years.

My maternal grandfather suffered from brain and spinal damage even before I was born. All my memories of him were of this child-like old man, who could not even convey properly that all he wanted was a piece of biscuit. His wife, my dearest grandmother, who practically raised me as child, suffered from dementia when I was in my early teens. It was really sad to see her mind go away bit by bit, to the point where she did not even have the basic capacity to dress or relieve herself.

And now, with my Dad's minor stroke, and my Mum who has been having problems walking for a while now, well, I just don't know what to expect when one day, my own old age rolls around.

 But I guess there is really no point in fretting about the future. One may prepare for it, anticipate it. But you can never second-guess or reject whatever is in store for you. It is not a bad thing. Everyone goes through the same thing in life, and I am sure there are plenty of happy and healthy people who are enjoying their silver years as well.

Hope's the hope!

Friday, March 07, 2014

07032014

Just want to get in a quick update now that things are settling down a bit.

Dad's doing well in occupational and physio therapy. He will be coming home next Thursday. We also got a maid to help my Dad with his daily activities and also around the home. Will be going to the hospital today, coming Monday and Tuesday for the caregiver training.

Although everything still feels kind of surreal, because you just never expect anything like that to happen to you, at least things are feeling calmer now.

The expenses are rocketing, with the hospital stay, the hiring of the maid, purchasing of assistive devices for my Dad, and all the other possible expenses that might come in the future. I am still doing my best to stay positive, because I know that we are very fortunate in many aspects.

My Dad is still alert, remembers things and haven't lost his personality. This is definitely the best thing. Money can be earned, as long as we are able to maintain our health, positivity and spirit.

So for that, I am thankful.

Friday, February 14, 2014

140214

It's been a while...

2014 is half way into it's second month, and considering how much I love Februaries, I really wish I can have happier things to blog about. But I guess there is no better around it, and I am just gonna say it.

My Dad suffered from a minor stroke last Friday, and is currently undergoing rehabilitation in a community hospital.

Despite my usage of the term "minor", I can tell you right now that in all its definitive actuality, this by no means feels minor at all to me and my Mum.

A stroke happening in any capacity is a devastating thing. Fact.

The disbelief and helplessness we feel in the circumstance still feels unreal today, a week after it happened. This hit us, it hit us hard, and we are still reeling from it. Even after a week of going to the hospital, witnessing how this had affected my previously healthy, strong and independent Dad, and talking to numerous doctors, nurses, anyone who has experience with stroke sufferers, and anyone willing to talk or listen to me talk about it.

I am trying to deal with it, by keeping myself, my mind as thoroughly occupied as possible. I talk about it a lot, almost to the point of being obsessive. When I couldn't talk about it, I Google, read up, make sure I understand and postulate all kinds of possibilities, both the good and the not-so-good. To ready myself.

However, I am still thankful for being able to use this term "minor". Simply because my Dad's condition has been deemed stable enough for him to begin rehabilitation, and for him to be transferred out of acute care in a major hospital, to a less sterile environment in a community hospital. I consider this a blessing.

This is another key. Staying positive. Constantly telling myself and my Mum that everything has a solution, everything just needs some figuring out, some getting used to.

Right now, it still seems like a long road ahead, but the good thing is that my Dad is extremely positive. Although he has lost quite a bit of control in the left side of his body (stroke occurred in the right brain, hence presentation of the symptoms on the left side), his mind is still sound, he can converse and still has his memories. I consider this a blessing as well.

His first physiotherapy was yesterday afternoon. When I visited him in the evening, he seemed tired but in good spirits. I had some friends with me, and he chatted, told stories, laughed. Even crossed his left leg over his right leg, something he hasn't been able to do just a few days earlier.

Hopefully, with time, patience, strength and positivity, we can keep up with this level of progress.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Before 2013 Ends...

The year is almost gone now!!!

I know I did not blog much for the year except for some nonsensical blabberings here and there. But hey, no news is good news! A lack of blog posts is a good indication that I am busy living my life in the real rather than sitting in front of the computer, being all emo and needy and shit, right?

All's cool!

I had a good year. It hasn't always been rosy and smooth-sailing in 2013, but definitely ending on a cheery note. I hope. We still have two more weeks to go, so no jinx! *tap on wood*

The past two years have been somewhat of an interesting ride. I find myself drifting apart with some people who are really dear to me and feeling really down about it. But I also managed to reconnect with some old friends and realising through these old-yet-new friendships that I can be a different person, a better person. A person who I am still trying to, learning to become. It will take time, but we are slowly getting there.

I am definitely learning to control my temper better, to stop fixating so much. And most importantly, learning to cut myself and the people around me some slack by letting go of expectations and also by not doing anything simply because I hope that it will earn me approval, or worst, their gratitude. This is the most tedious way to be in any relationship, be it friendship, kinship, or anyone whom you really care about.

In 2013, I also find myself marveling at the wonders of fate and destiny. The two things which have always been way beyond my control, but which I have mad respect for. I can never try to second-guess or challenge them, because they never fail to amaze me with their pocketful of surprises. But they have taken care of me well, and brought me to where I am now. I am grateful.

So there, this is what I want to put down on record. Before the year ends. Think I need to do one more post to look at the resolutions I made at the beginning of this year. Although we do have two more weeks to go before I have to make new ones, so... #ProcrastinatorInDaHouse

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Bish Air Love

Well, it has finally happened!

I tried my best to prevent it from happening. Said no whenever people asked me to give it a try. Frowned at them in disbelief when the same people told me how much they love it and how funny it is. After all, as someone who spent years watching sitcoms almost exclusively, I thought I have seen it all. That nothing new will amaze me.

But I was wrong. You can't hide from a good thing forever, for it was bound to catch you someday. And now my internal organs are at risk.

And there you go. I have become a Running Man addict!

Thanks to the off-season period of all my favourite TV series, and finding no new engaging source of entertainment. I decided to give it a try. Sigh.

I am laughing so hard at almost every episode that I really worry for my internal organs. They might just implode any day. Meh.

But like the wise person always says (and by wise person, I really mean myself), if something brings you so much laughter that you can actually cry from it, why would you not want to love it?

So yeah, I love Running Man. I am not very far along yet, only about episode 40 something, because I am kinda OCD like that and need to watch everything from the beginning, but so far, I am seriously loving it.

And one of the reasons why I love it?

That blasted gust of BISH AIR that makes celebrity faces go like this:




I love this BISH AIR thing. I want to marry this BISH AIR thing and have a lot of little BISH AIR thing babies!

I mean seriously, anything that makes people's faces go like that? ME LIKEY!!!

Veddy much.

Friday, October 25, 2013

We Have Arrived!

So I guess...

This is the next chapter. How things got to this point just amuses me to no end. Oh well... At least I am in a jovial state of mind.

Life, you have never failed to make me so miserable that I just want to scratch your eyeballs out. But you have also made me laugh so hard that wanting to pee in my pants is an understatement. Thanks for treating me well. =P

In other updates, trips coming up:

End Oct - Bali
End Nov - Hong Kong
Mid-Apr - Taiwan
Next Oct - London (Yes? No? Maybe? I don't know!!!)

So excited! Am trying to fit in Seoul somewhere in there too. Seriously, who needs a savings account? =|

Ahhh!!!

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

I Cannot Wait...

Every second ticking brings me a little bit closer.

Although I know what I want to be will never become a reality. Yet, every nuance, every semblance of joy is so memorable and so treasured.

Everyone has their own way of coping, of dealing with the world around them.

This is mine.

Please don't judge me or think me a fool. I am simply finding my own reasons to smile a little more, stand a little better.

Because there is always a next chapter.

After all.

Monday, August 19, 2013

也只能到喜欢为止...

After all this time, I finally see the part I am really playing. Although I truly wished that I can be the Christine in this little tale, but turns out I am really just Erik.

In so many ways.

After all, I am just looking for something in the angel I saw, which may not even be real.

I learned a lot about myself from you and in the course, have also become a better person because I learned how to see the world through your eyes. And it is indeed wonderful.

But I am still just me, and this is probably as far as I can go. Erik will always be Erik. There is nothing that will ever change that.

Everything.


Wednesday, August 07, 2013

That Intoxicating Calmness

All I want is calm.

And the only time I can find it, is when you are here.

Although you are not here all the time, it's when you are, that makes it all the more intoxicating.

That makes all the time when you are not,

Better.