Tonight.

Slowly,
the day drags on,
Impatiently,
she waits.
Watching,
 the seconds crawl.
Anticipating,
the minute before.

She stops.

It is always that specific moment before you finally get to your heart's desires, when everything feels the most enthralling.

To Now And Beyond

Whenever people asks me not to be picky anymore so I can quickly find a man and get married, I give them a smile and simply say nothing. While I used to get all defensive, and would lecture the poor soul on why it is necessary to be more discerning on such matters, nowadays I simply give up.

Because people are annoyingly self-righteous when it comes to the necessity of a spouse, while I prefer to think of my future in a two-prong manner. One with a husband, kids, plenty of homemaking, the other where I am a single woman living an awesome life seeing the world, gaining experiences and always coming home to her five dogs.

Each has its own merits and I can definitely see myself finding joy in both.

Of course, a more normal woman would be worried sick about dying alone by now. Sure, I have my fears and insecurities. I just choose not to second guess life and destiny, which are two fundamental blocks in my entire belief system. This is my lot, and if marriage is not in the cards, it is not. I don't want to wallow in self-pity or cry over something I was not meant to have.

And most importantly, I hate to follow in my parents' footsteps.

Long story short, my mum married my dad when she was 33, mainly because a lot of people told her she needed to. Almost to the point that she felt like she did not have much of a choice. This was the 1980s, and I guess it was tougher to be a single woman over 30 then compared to now.

Suffice to say, their marriage turned out to be a nasty one, but to their credit, they stayed together for my sake and have always been wonderful parents who did their best to raise me to be a good person. From them I learnt how to believe in myself, be kind to those around me and to always switch off the lights when I am not using them.

That said, however, I always felt like they were not truly happy, and that they could have been happier if their lives turned out different. But then of course, then there would not exist the awesomeness that is me. =P

So yeah, this is the story, more or less. Not many people have the patience or the inkling to listen to get through this whole tale, and so I just give them a smile and simply said nothing.

The Hardest Thing To Do

Amy Pond.

That be great.

Do you know when you should burst that bubble?

Why do people stop getting angry?

Is it because they have acceptance?

Or is it because they don't give a fuck anymore?

I don't think there is anything wrong with constructing a bubble of happiness around yourself, if the reality is really so much more unbearable.

No one wants to live in pain and misery all the time, but that's not the toughest thing.

It is the differentiating between what is real and what is not that is the real tricky part.

Sometimes not caring is only a form of defense mechanism that we put out there simply because we need that distance.

Now the question is...

Right?

Awww...

No one should be unable to function upon another's absence.

It is kinda nice though. You always forget such things exists until it presents itself to you.

When I Close My Eyes, I Can See Nothing

Thanks for the reminder!

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to expect for a second there. Again, I was provided with the answer in the most unexpected of ways.

Every day it feels a little different. I am coming to believe that this is what life is all about. Feeling a myriad of different things. Every single one fluid. Never settling, never becoming still.

Why is it so confusing?

I think that is just the way it is.

It just ain't simple for some people. Guess I am just one of them.

GDE #3

Sometimes, to keep something important to you in your life, you need to bury away a major part of yourself and present a different persona to the world.

Because the thought of losing that something is far more devastating than anything else.

"When someone makes you a better person just by being around, you do whatever it takes to keep that person in your life."

Almost But Not There

What is yours is yours.

Regardless of locality, physicality or actuality.

The mind, the spirit, the soul.

If it isn't, it isn't.

Monday!

The big three-o is fast becoming a somewhat boring age to be. Not that I am complaining. I feel extremely connected to this peace and calm that I have been enjoying for a while now.

Except when unwanted noise comes along and attempts to threaten my sense of balance.

Sometimes I really wonder what some people's brains are made of. They seemed so hellbent on behaving like toilet water. No real purpose in life until some shit comes along.

It is a constant struggle just trying to hold myself from beating the crap out of these people. Not that I would be any good in a fight, but hey, I think I can get in some sizable damage some way or another before I go down. I hope. *shrugs*

For a while now, my mind has been kinda preoccupied with this strange inkling that I have lost my sense of self somewhere along the way. Where did all the fight, the stubbornness, the gumption and the anger that I have always relied on gone to?

When I hear people tell me I have changed into a more pleasant and accommodating person, I actually get chills. Who the hell wants to be a ninny, a yes-person who does not stand up for herself? And most importantly, am I a hypocrite if I treat even the people who I dislike in the same "pleasant and accommodating" manner?

What has turning 30 done to me?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, I am now also prone to bimbotic fits of exclamations.

I don't know man. One theory I can think of to explain is the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, to a certain extent. For those goondus (excuse me, but I need to release the meanness somewhere, somehow) out there who have no idea what the poot Maslow Hierarchy of Needs is, please visit the good folks at Wikipedia, for an in-depth explanation.

In a nutshell though, it simply means that when all your basic needs are fulfilled, you will reach this level of self-awareness that basically makes you less inhibited and learn how to appreciate life better, hence becoming a happier and fulfilled individual.

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC.

Okay, now that I am somewhat on fire with this topic, I have decided to visit the good folks at Wikipedia myself for a graphical representation of the Maslow's hierarchy, also known as Maslow's Pyramid. Let's study.



Level 1: Physiological
The most basic slab of human needs. I guess with the exception of occasional constipation which is a m****f***** pain in the knnnbccunextuesday, I would say these are fulfilled to a certain acceptable level.

Level 2: Safety
Hmmm, okay all pass. Level up!

Level 3: Love/Belonging
Contrary to popular belief, this level also pass ok! I am a very adored and loved individual by a lot of people. On top of that, I have enough love for myself to qualify for this level all by itself! ;)

Level 4: Esteem
Please see level 3! NEXT!

Level 5: Self-actualization
And tadaaaaaaah! We have self-actualization, the central of all that is pleasant and accommodating and what not!

Of course I am not saying that I have already self-actualized. Please. I think only people who can eat chocolate without getting fat and have no constipation problems can be self-actualized. I am saying that at this specific point of time in my life, circumstances have somehow lined up in such a way that it is possible for me to portray traits of self-actualization.

Okay, this just made me dizzy. I stop here.

GDE #2

The worst times are the ones when you know nothing can distract you from the impossible.

The times when you are most vulnerable. Can't stop, can't control.

In your dreams.

That's when everything feels the most real, yet the most hopeless.

Poignant.

Yes / No?

I don't understand.

Perhaps it is simply better to be ignorant.

Never play with fire if you don't have enough water.

I Don't

The heart wants what it wants, but what it wants is not good for it.

How like that?

March Report

March is proving to be a boring yet kinda interesting month.

I guess it is a month when I am constantly testing my ability to stay out of trouble. So far so good. Fingers crossed.

As far as certain people and certain issues are concerned, I feel done. But still need to see how things play out because it just seem like such a pity to have all that time and effort invested go to waste.

It is not true that everything is nothing, because nothing can be everything.

I Love Red Too!

Why do some things always have the special ability to brighten your day?

And it's like when you need it the most, they appear. Like magic!

It's good. I am sure everything will be fine.

Words

You know what is the worst thing of all?

That after all these years, you still don't know whether I am worth it.

Then I will never be.