You never know how some of the heartfelt words you poured into your blog can be so embarrassing when people reads it aloud to your face.
But oh well, I have high self-esteem, so it's not exactly an issue.
Although, the other thing that was bought to my attention was HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST POSTED!!! More than a year?!?!?!?!!?
I always thought that in the 10th year of my having this blog, probably the only thing that came entirely and absolutely from me, I will do this big blowout post, highlighting some of my favourite entries and ending with a heartfelt statement of how much I love my blog, and how it has been a place of sanctuary, a source of solace, and just all in all SO ME ME ME.
Oh well. Can't cry over something that has already come and gone. And now it's almost December and I cannot even remember how I got here.
I think at a certain stage in life, you just kinda stop having resolutions or try to control how your year will be. Simply just letting things happen and hoping for the best has become a habit. There is no good or bad about it, simply a matter of preference. I do like to think that the control is still there, simply whether I choose to exercise it.
Although the one thing I would like to do more of is to post more in this blog again. I love reading back on the old entries, drawing strength from the person I used to be, and working towards the person I wanted to be, and giving future me something to read back on, to reminisc.
Of course deciding what to write about is also a headache, because there is simply too many things on my mind right now. So many things to decide, to plan, to put in action. But there is a big part of me that just want to put everything on hold, and take a break. Not like a holiday break, but rather a break from myself, from being me.
Please don't be mistaken, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. I am surrounded by everything that matters to me, particularly my family and friends, and I am very thankful for that. But it can be really exhausting trying to navigate through life, and there is a very real pain that co-exists with constantly trying to figure out the kind of person you want to be.
Sometimes, you just hope for a minute, or two, that you can be selfish. That you can simply do what you want, and be damn with the consequences. Constantly trying to think right, do right really takes a toil. I am almost afraid to admit how many times a day, I just want to do what I really want to do, say what I really want to say.
Except that there will always be a voice in my head (which sounds suspiciously like my primary school form teacher), manifesting along with these thoughts, telling me:
"What to do?"