...

Ever had something happen to you, and think that it's absolutely the worst thing that can ever happen? Then something else happens, and you find yourself thinking that you will rather have the former than the latter. Then you wish like hell that the second thing never fucking happened, and the first thing is the only problem that you have.

Yeah. Feels like shit, doesn't it?

Sufferance From Beaningitis

I am seriously gone. Having Beaningitis (teeheeheeheehee). Ha, usually I get more excited about something the day after I actually experienced it. So in the usual me fashion, I find myself waking up feeling very intrigued about Sean Bean.

He's so talented!!! *gush gush gush* May I add him to my list of very suave, very talented, very versatile, VERY HANDSOME men? Huh? Huh? Huh? Hmm, looks like I am making my way around the Fellowship. First Orlando, than Viggo, now Sean. Woohoo, unhealthy, very unhealthy, but I mean, look at him!!!



How can anyone not get Beaningitis (teeheeheeheehee) after more than an hour of staring at him? Seriously, how can a man be so good-looking? *stares at him with disgust and accusation* What hope is there for the other men who are not Viggo Mortensen, Eric Bana, Christian Bale, Josh Hartnett, Hugh Jackman, certain members of certain Korean boybands, or certain cute actors hailing from Japan? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO??!!??

Life is seriously harsh for people like me.

I Heart Mr Bean

Finally caught Flight Plan today, and must say it's one of the better movies I saw this year. The suspense is not too overwelming, but just enough to keep you interested. And Jodie Foster is just the right amount of panic without being too irritating. You know those panicky mothers that just make you want to strangle them? Yeah, Jodie Foster makes you want to strangle those aircrew instead for not helping her.

Except Sean Bean. I love Sean Bean!!!

Ha, what's the link between Viggo Mortensen, Eric Bana and Christian Bale, my top favourite actors? Sean Bean!!! Don't believe me? Ha, you know I am just dying for a chance to say it anyway. So it's Lord Of The Rings with Viggo, Troy with Bana and Equilibrium with Bale.

You know when you like someone a lot, you also like their movies a lot and you will end up liking their co-stars a lot too. I like Sean Bean!!! I don't really like him in Lord Of The Rings, because, let's face it, he's creepy in that, but I do like him a lot in Equilibrium. That's where the whole interest in Yeats' poetry came about. The way he read the last few lines of the poem is just so, you know. Haha. And Troy, don't get me started. He's so dashing that I was watching him as much as I was watching Bana. I like Dou Xian Sheng!!!

Oh, and I finally went to the newly constructed new National Library. RAP!!! Very nice, very nice. They have like over 12 storeys, a drama centre, 3 levels of reference sections, and a RARE BOOKS section. It's so cool, but the rare books section is out of bounds to public. I wonder if there is anyway to go inside to take a look. It's just so cool, and I managed to find a collection of Yeats' poetry. There are so many good literature there, I can easily find Sylvia Plath, Bernard Shaw, and Ibsen's works there, among others, almost like a Lit student's paradise. It's just too nice, TOO NICE, think it's gonna be one of my favourite places now.

The Story Of A Person's Love For Her Blog

As I have so overtly declared to Jasu yesterday, I LOVE MY BLOG. It possesses all the attributes that I am looking for in a blog. A nice, black background, music that I can change at whim, fairly adjustable layout, and most importantly, the bloghead of Bana, that is not so obtrusively shouting "I WANT TO MARRY ERIC BANA AND HAVE HIS BABIES!!! I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT HE'S MARRIED AND ALREADY HAVE BABIES!!!" I am not really that kind of fan. I am more of the like to fantasize about him in many different explicit ways kind of fan... *reminds Self that Bana is married, reminds Self that I only admire him for his talents, reminds Self to behave like the proper, prim young lady that she is* Hmm, a girl named Self, that's an interesting name. "Hi, I'm Self." "Hello, my name is Self." Nice.

Okaaay, I seriously need to stop watching shows like Deuce Bigalow, if one knows what I mean. Anyway, I really like my bloghead, it can so be anything that I suspect that probably even Mr Bana himself won't know what the picture has to do with him.

So back to topic, I LOVE MY BLOG. It's not just a mediocre like or the pleasant feeling of amiability. It's LOVE. I LOVE MY BLOG!!! And I will actually venture to say that there is a possiblity that I LOVE MY BLOG more than I LOVE myself. *SHOCKED* The sheer horror of the very thought that I can actually LOVE something more than myself, even though said thing in question is all about me. But like I said before, I am not very fond of technicality. Never had a lot of respect for it.

I think that if one can have a hobby that she actually LOVES more than, or as much as, him or herself, it's really something to be celebrated. Why not? I LOVE MY BLOG, I LOVE writing it, I LOVE reading it. I LOVE it so much that I find myself constantly thinking about what to write, and even taking notes, lame as it sounds, throughout the day just to make sure I don't forget anything. Yeah, yeah, I know. It has been suggested that I should see a psychiatrist. Like I can find anyone who will actually be able to fix my problems, which probably began so many years ago, maybe as early as when I was 4 years old, and could not pop a balloon during a balloon-popping game because the balloons are "so poor thing", and ended up squatting at a corner of the room, hugging the balloon and crying for my grandmama. They eventually took the balloon away from me, but life has never been the same ever since. Hey, I don't pee in your pool, you don't judge me.

Anyway, reliving past childhood tragedies and being able to admit one's problems are all parts and parcels of moving forward, so suffice to say, I think I am doing well. So there. And, I LOVE MY BLOG!

PS: Anyone notice that my recent blogs are kinda lengthy and full of ramblings? Sometimes, the dialogues in my head just get away from me, and I can't even control them. I am not gonna apologise, because I LOVE MY BLOG, and you can choose not to read it. Admit it, you LOVE me, just like so many millions have LOVED me before you. BWAHAHAHAAHAH!!!! *yawn* Ok, so I am going to go sleep now. Good night.

You Can Never Get Too Much Of These Bloggy Thingys

You Should Learn French

C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs. You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up...

What Language Should You Learn?

Wow, since I already learned some, it's all dandy, ain't it?

You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous. People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Erm, think I am really destined to be a Frenchie. First the language, now I'm the food. Is it true? Some people actually act like they know me??!!?? Is it? Is it? By the by, ubiquitous means "being or seeming to be everywhere at the same time; omnipresent". Bwaahahaha, I am OMNIPRESENT!!! Bwahahaha!!!

Your Daddy Is Patrick Stewart

What You Call Him: Daddy Dearest Why You Love Him: He takes you to church

Who's Your Daddy?

Haha, no comments on this, but I like Patrick Stewart, one of the finer actors out there.

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Wow, this is good, exactly what I would do if I want an advanced degree. Who says I don't have accurate goals?

C-

You tend to notice the big things in life... But the details aren't exactly your forte

How Observant Are You?

Rather accurate, I would say.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hmmm, this is very true, I think. So here's my views on love, in a nutshell.

And last but not least,

Your Blog Should Be Yellow

You're a cheerful, upbeat blogger who tends to make everyone laugh. You are a great storyteller, and the first to post the latest funny link. You're also friendly and welcoming to everyone who comments on your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Haha, don't expect my blog to change colour anytime soon, but good to know.

Transporter II

Went to watch Transporter II today, and before I unleashed my comments about the movie, I just want to say for the record that I like this movie. I liked the first one and I like this one.

I mean, what's not to like? The movie is basically about this Transporter guy, also known to be a "hunter", whatever that means, who goes by the slightly unexciting name of Frank (no offence to all the other Franks and the similarly named sausages out there) Martin, who gets embroiled in this consipiracy to inflict this deadly virus on some very important, but not-very-essential-to-the-movie, people. Throw in a villian with a charming accent (whose kendo skills is almost totally useless except to consolidate the fact that he may be a tough guy), a kid who got kidnapped (how come it's still "kid"nap when you abduct adults? Shouldn't it be something like mannapped or womannapped?), a possible romantic complication and a weird kohl-eyed chick with two very big guns, and you have Transporter II!!!

Anyway, one thing that I noticed about this movie is that, in the world of Frank, things are very different from us here in the out-of-the-movie world. In Frank's world of rules, and number 1s with no number 2s, he is allowed to take anything he wants from anywhere, like an iPod for instance, which the owner is just so stupid to leave lying around, and which is also, interestingly, a possible crime-fighting aid.

It is apparently also a world where Frank can "fly", where things that he wants to find will be easily found, where it is alright to steal other people's girlfriend's jet-skis, with their girlfriend still on it (which brings us back to the point of being allowed to take anything he wants), and where the term "don't move" actually means "pick up a lamp, and slam it into my balls". Alright, so I am not exactly sure where he slammed it into, but the whole sentence would sound less funny had I used "head" or "body", right?

And finally, it is also a world where you make Creme Brulée on bunsen burners, where coconuts are punching gloves, and where water hoses and paint buckets are deadly weapons.

Okaaaay, so I have my iPod and water hose ready, I'm just on my way out to buy a few buckets of paint, and a few dozen coconuts, and I am all set! To fight crime ala TRANSPORTER STYLE!!! So do I just fight crimes, or do I still have to transport stuffs? Somehow the duties of a Transporter gets a little confusing.

Well, like I said, I like this movie.

PS: Is is weird that I find guys who are balding extremely attractive now?

A Story Of My Sketchers

I was digging through my shoe cupboard yesterday for a decent pair of shoes to wear and I spotted this pair of Sketchers I bought a couple of years ago, and never wore for more than 3 times. Haha, Sketchers were like "THE SHOES" when I was still in my very early years. I don't know for the rest of World, but in my school when I was still a pri kid, Sketchers were "THE SHOES".

But sadly, I did not have the good fortune to own a pair of Sketchers in my pri days, all I had were boring, plain white Reebok track shoes that my school approves of. And I can't even run track, I was over 60 kg, and only about 145 cm, who expect me to run??!!?? It's a miracle that I could even walk. Anyway, 2 years ago when I was about 19, okay, so 3 years ago, I saw this killer pair of Sketchers that I fell in love with, cliche as it may sound, almost instantly. But they were really pricey for a pair of shoes that I'm not sure can even be considered to be shoes. It's one of those open-back type footwear that is kinda like slippers, but not really slippers. Lazy people shoes, as my mum calls them. All the appearances of shoes, but none of the hassle of wearing them (HOW HARD IS IT TO WEAR A PAIR OF SHOES??!!??), and the airing effect is superb.

So, in an unusual fashion of trifty spending, I hesitated about buying the shoes. For like 3 days. Because a few days after I saw the shoes, I met Benoit. Ha, he's this instructor at my French school who stood in for mine when she was sick. I had quite a crush on him. Not one to discuss about past crushes (liar!!!), but I just have to say that he has a nice package. *whistles*

Winnie knows how much his, urm, package, interests me (Winnie, eh? *wink wink*). Ha, nothing sleazy, okay? At least not VERY sleazy. I just think that he has a nice butt, everything is snug in the right places. Forgive me my momentary lapse, I am not usually a butt person, but Benoit... Benoit really has a nice butt...

Anyway, I have this crazy idea that if I buy the Sketchers, he will notice me. It's weird, but sometimes girls think like that. They have the craziest idea that certain material objects will attract a guy's attention. It's nuts, I know! Anyway, so with the noble and sacred aim that he will fall head over heels in love with me (yeah, I know I said "notice" before, but in the classic fashion of crazy thoughts, they do change just like that *click*), I bought the shoes. I don't even remember where I got the money for it, but I did.

And I wore the shoes for the first time to my French class, and was rather disappointed that my teacher was back. But not to be detered, because I know exactly what time he gets off, and I am a damn good lurker if I do say so myself. But I kinda have to lurk in front of him for him to notice the shoes and fall in love.

Ok, so I walked. In front of him. Which is a big sacrifice, because that puts me out of eyeline from his butt. And, nothing! He did not even notice, just kept chattering to the person beside him. That guy sure is a talker. Chatter, chatter, chatter. Damn! For all his cuteness and nice buttness, he sure is a talker. Anyway, much later on, I also realised that he's quite dorkish. Still cute, but kinda in other ways now.

Ok, so no one fell in love with me, and I am stuck with shoes that costs an arm and a leg, and which I cannot wear anywhere because they look like slippers, and they chafed!!!

So the moral of the story is that the shoes are not magical shoes that makes people notice and fall in love with me, and that despite the pricey tag, THE SHOES ARE FEET-KILLERS. They hurt like a sonofabitch. But the good thing is, after 3 years in my shoe cupboard, they still look new. Yippie for me! One of these days, if I feel the need to subject my feet to extreme torture, I might wear them again.

PS: I am suffering from slut-rash! Whenever I see this bitchy bitch at my workplace, I get itches. Slut-rash! Very lethal...

A Self-Imposed Project

Ok, now that I am on hols, I am going to embark on something that I have been wanting to do for the longest time. I am going to try to finish the entire collection of novels written by Jayne Ann Krentz, and those under her pen-name of Amanda Quick.

Oh, I so love her books. I have read quite a few of her books, but I want to reread those again, and get my hands on those that I haven't. And I do have to say that these are not all of the books that she wrote. She have tons of other books under other pen-names. I love this lady, she's just amazing! Ok, so here's the list that I want to complete. If and when I finish, I will start on the other books that she wrote.

Jayne Ann Krentz:

Twist of Fate
Sweet Starfire
Crystal Flame
A Coral Kiss
Midnight Jewels
Gift of Gold
Gift of Fire
Golden Chance
Silver Linings
Sweet Fortune
Perfect Partners
Family Man
Wildest Hearts
Hidden Talents
Grand Passion
Trust Me
Connecting Rooms
Absolutely, Positively
Deep Waters
Sharp Edges
Flash
Eye of the Beholder
Soft Focus
Eclipse Bay
Lost & Found
Dawn in Eclipse Bay
Smoke In Mirrors
Summer in Eclipse Bay
Light in Shadow
Truth or Dare
Falling Awake

Amanda Quick:

Seduction
Surrender
Scandal
Rendezvous
Ravished
Reckless
Dangerous
Deception
Desire
Mistress
Mystique
Mischief
Affair
With This Ring
I Thee Wed
Wicked Widow
Slightly Shady
Don't Look Back
Late For the Wedding
The Paid Companion
Wait Until Midnight
Lie By Moonlight

About A Friend

About one month after one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend, my seemingly alright-with-the-breakup friend called me in the middle of the night, and amidst a lot of crying, told me how much she misses her boyfriend.

Before anyone call me a callous bitch or anything for writing about my friend's sad plight in a blog, no less, I did asked her if I could blog about her, and she said that it's alright, as long as I just address her as "friend". She knew that I am gonna to anyway, and said that it might be a good thing to read about it on my blog, maybe even provide a source of closure for her.

I mentioned something about closure a few entries back, which she read, and she asked me how and when she can get closure for this relationship. I told her that she can't really get it, it just comes when the time is right.

And the thing here is that, she was the one who wanted a breakup, and not her boyfriend. Sometimes, even though two people care about each other a lot, there might still be things that gets in the way, obstacles that cannot be overcome, and sacrifices have to be made.

"Is the sacrifice too great?" my friend asked me.

I don't know. I never had to make such decisions before, and hopefully, I won't have to. As for my friend, she is still on the self-discovery stage.

Self-discovery to whether she had made the right decision. Self-discovery of whether she is strong enough to overcome this. Self-discovery to a maybe in their relationship, be it as friends or back together a couple. And self-discovery to closure.

I hope that closure comes soon for my friend. Because I hate crying females. They are very shrill, and make me extremely uncomfortable. ^_~

Hang in there, friend.

Excessive Noise

Noisy people on public transports upsets me.

It's pretty ironic, considering the fact that I am pretty loud myself. Anyway, I have this ritual before sitting down beside a stranger on public transports. I will scan their faces, until I find one that I am satisfied with, then self-declare them as "my new best friend" in my head, and sit down beside them with much aplomb (aplomb???!!!??)

And this morning, I made the grand mistake of sitting beside this really cute-looking girl, sitting with two of her elderly women relatives. Man, were they loud!!! Damn, they were so damn loud, I couldn't even enjoy my erotically-charged, very sexual novel with men with rock-hard pecs and chiselled abs. Question: are pecs and abs the same thing?

And they have this little kid in one of those baby-pushing things, and it's really eerie because he's like what? Five? It's really sinister to see a kid so big in a stroller that can barely fit him in. And to be really honest, there's something really creepy about the kid that I cannot put my finger on. And imagine all these women, two of which are way too old to be making cute baby noises cooing at this creepy baby. Kinda remind me of this thing I saw on TV with all these old women getting orgasms. *chills*

Well, and just when you think the noise could not get ANY louder. One of the women's mobile started to make sharp, piercing noise, blaring away into the calm of the morning, destroying the peace of a wonderful, quiet morning of rock-hard pecs, chiselled abs, and solid man-breasts that is most probably firmer than that of any female's I know, including myself. -_-'

And what does the blare of the phone brings to us? ANOTHER ELDERLY WOMAN RELATIVE, BRINGING ALONG NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE TALL, STRAPPING SONS!!! Ah, the noise, the loud, deafening, ear-splitting noise. My new best friend is apparently having a family reunion right there in the MRT. And I am a part of all the joyous celebrating. Yaay, how fun for ME!!!

The joyous event lasted for a few more stations, before they alighted and peace was restored. Back to rock-hard pecs and chiselled abs. And maybe to a hearing aid shop. Just until I get my hearing back. I shall be more discriminating when I choose my best friends the next time.

A Conversation

S: vry chiam loh, the manager so bad
M: wow, that's fucking crazy man...
S: eh, y u suddenly swearing
M: what talking you? I swear all the time!
S: really ah i nvr notice leh
M: I do! see, erm, bastard, asshole, craphole, son of a bitch, bitch, fucker, motherfucker, nb, knn, ccb, knnbccb, *and all other abbreviations that represent swearing*.
S: seh okok haha
M: I sense I should. I am on a self-imposed programme to stop swearing.
S: ohhhhhh, no wonder i nvr notice b4 lah bcos you stop alrdy mah
M: ...

Lalalala, I am perky!!!

Ivy, aka Sistic Call Centre's esteemed CSS commented today that in recent weeks I seem to be becoming more, erm, "perky" (???!!??). But ok, I do feel that I feeling happier. Maybe it's going back to work that makes relaxing all the more enjoyable, or maybe it's just being happier now that I am on holidays. Who knows?

Hmm, i am covered in mosquito bites, I have one on my leg, one on my back and severl on my arms. WTF???!!!?? I hope it's not dengue. If it's dengue, when would I know it's dengue? Drats.

Ok, I am going to scratch now. When you have so many areas that is itching, you kinda need to allocate time to scratch. Heh.

Oh, in case anyone is interested, I registered for MDIS today. If all goes well, I will be starting my Mass Comm advance diploma next year and will be on my way to a mass comm degree. YEAH!

flying high

you can't know, oh no
you can't know
how much I think about you, no
it's making my head spin
looking at you
and you are looking at me
and we both know what we want
hmmm, so close to giving in

feel so nice
oh yeah you feel so nice
wish i could spend the night
but i can't pay the price
oh no, no

but I'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around
and i can feel your high
rocking me inside
it's too much to hide

i know, oh yes
i know that we can't
be together
but, i just like to dream
it's so strange
the way our paths have crossed
how we were brought together
hmmm, it's written in the stars it seems
feel so nice
oh yeah you feel so nice
i'd love to spend the night
but i can't pay the price
oh no, no

and i'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around
and i can feel your high
touching me inside
and it's too much to hide

back to earth
where did you take me to
i know there's no such thing
as painless love
well it'll catch us up
and we can never win
but ohhh
i feel so alive
ohhh
just wanna hold you
hold you so tight

and i'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around
And i can feel your high
touching me inside
and it's too much to hide
And i'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around

Salt Water Taffies

Anyone have any idea where I can find salt water taffies in Singapore. Please tell me! I am dying to try one of those salt water thingys.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

Whoever said that Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo is boring is either a baked good or have no sense of humour. Or both. Whatever. It's nuts funny! I laughed so hard, a little pee almost came out. Damn those big cup concession drinks. Anyway, it's DEAD FUNNY, I tell ya. But then I do have a warped sense of humour and sex jokes - always funny.

And Oded Fehr!!! I did not do my homework, I did not know that he's going to do a cameo!!! And it's weird that IMDB did not list either him or the woman who acted as Kate in the cast. But I love Oded!!! Anyone Mummy fan worth her salt loves Oded Fehr. He's so cool!!! So cool!!! So cool!!! So cool!!! I would pay good money just to watch his scene again. That's how much I love him! Haha, not as much as Bale or Bane though, but still a lot.

And all those hunks, it's a major peagina-fest for the She-John. Bwahahha. And what's with Canadians peeing all over the place???!!!??? And I am pretty sure Adam Sandler made a cameo, if I could just watch it again...

Something Light For A Change

Too serious, too serious. The past few posts seems too serious. Kinda in a more reflective mode these few days. I think that to write a bestseller, one that really kills you, you have to be able to conjure many different kinds of feelings, sieve through them, grab the best ones and start to go nuts.

Well, I still do not have any motivation to start any form of writing, but I do have a nice name for my female character. I do suspect I may be one of those who constantly says she's gonna do something great, and die achieving nothing. Drats! I am gonna be one of those people, aren't I? Shitdammittohell.

Anyway, here's a funny story that happened to me on Friday. It's so hilarious. Okay, so I went to Bangkok last month and bought myself two lovely pairs of fake Birkens. So I was wearing a pair on Friday, and was on my way to meet up with Dav and Jasu. The train was quite crowded, and I was standing at one of the doors, staring at my Birkens, doing some hay-gathering.

Then all of a sudden, the guy beside me suddenly said "They really real hor?" I looked up, and this guy, probably in his late 20s or early 30s was looking at me with this weird grin on his face. And I thought "HOW THE HELL HE KNOWS THAT MY BIRKENS ARE FAKE??!!!??"

So I said, "Huh?"

And he repeated himself, "They look really real hor?" And he pointed at my feet.

Wow, this guy is really good! He can totally tell that I am wearing a fake pair of Birkens even though my jeans were covering like 3/4 of it!!! I really did not know how to reply him and was about to say "Oh, I bought them in Thailand", when he pointed at my feet again and said, "The oranges look really real hor."

Then I realise that the train had one of those Peel Fresh advertisements, and had pictures of these two dimensional oranges stuck on the floor. And they really looked really kinda real. Haha.

Thank goodness I did not say I brought them in Thailand. It's already hilarious enough without my stupid input. Hahaha.

O

Whenever it comes to someone whom you have seriously liked before, it's always something like a competition even after any trace of feelings is reduced to an amiable mixture of indifference and platonic cordiality.

You just want to be happier than him.

Deep down, you want him to regret for not choosing you, and you want to show him that without him, life is so much better and so much happier. And if he seems much happier than you, you feel crappy. So much for indifference and platonic cordiality. You might as well take a knife and stab him on the back for all its worth.

Then you tried to stop yourself from being such a vindictive bitch by stopping all forms of contact with him, and you slowly start to forget. You begin to achieve a sense of balance.

Then something happens to conjure up that memory, a simple remark, an innocent mention. And you realise how much you hate him. Because he is so much happier than you are. You start to feel a little demented, because all you can think of is how much you want him to be unhappy and sad. To see him devestated and as unhappy as you are.

But are you really unhappy? Or just deliberately stirring up what you have been trying so hard to suppress? Maybe you don't really want happiness. Maybe you like being unhappy so that people will actually sympathize with you?

Maybe...

A Poem

You make me so nervous
Whenever You are near
Talking to You is even worst
You make me almost close to tears

Whenever You are around me
I feel funny and jumpy
I get wobbly in the knees
Like a silly cork bobbing in the sea

Why am I afraid of You so?
But You make me feel so low
You are nothing scary at all
But it's like I'm only inches tall

Please put me out of my misery
Please disappear from my life
Please stop wrecking my senses
Get out of my system!

But I, Being Poor, Have Only My Dreams...

Embarking on a new journey alone is scary.

There is always something that gets in your way to discourage you. Trying to keep yourself focused and motivated may seem daunting and even impossible. Especially if obstacles keeps getting in the way and the things that gives you support and courage slowly starts to disappear.

But you don't want to give up. It is alright to have fears and be scared shitless, because this is what pushes you to improve and reach that final point. To become the person that you have always wanted to be. This is what makes you better. No one can stop you from making your dream reality if you really want it bad enough. Don't let anyone tread on your dreams.

Tread on my fucking dreams, and you will wish that you are dead.

Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum

Headache.

Sometimes when you do not want certain things to happen, and they do, it's just so ...

Anyway, I may be having a crush on the weirdest person in the world. Hmmm, it's very strange, but anyway, it's just a crush, I expect it to fade in about 2 or 3 weeks. My crushes are surprisingly short-span. If I say I like someone, then that's a big headache. But again, it's so strange. This person is so WEIRD! Totally not my type, and so weird. I know I said weird many times, but I don't get him at all. He's like this big weirdo that walks around with his head somewhere else. The thing is, I cannot stop myself from observing him, and wondering what he's thinking. Sometimes a crush is not really about wanting to with that person, but this incessant need to wonder about him, and think about what he's thinking. It's kinda like a tiny obsession. He's just so weird. Damn, I am always interested in the strangest of things.

I Want To Be A Writer!

From the first time I picked up my first copy of R.L. Stine's book, aptly named "The Dare", I have wanted to be a writer. I used to scribble on pieces of paper all the time, and after I got my first computer, I started typing out random stories here and there. But I never finished anything. To be honest, to write something, piece of cake. To write something GREAT and FINISH it, not easy.

I am always saying that someday, I want to write a book. Someday, I am going to get myself published. Someday, I am going to be write a book and get myself published. Ok, so when is someday?

I am used to the thinking that I am still too young, too inexperienced to write anything good, anything worth publishing, but those are just excuses, aren't they? According to Jayne Ann Krentz, if you love to write, you just keep going and going. You just cannot make yourself stop.

Maybe I just need to get my words out. Write something. Anything to get myself started. And since I have always wanted to write something, why not let it be now? Why wait for someday? Maybe today IS someday.

I told one of my friends about this, and she too think that maybe I should get started. Nothing too serious, just a beginning. Write a few words a day, get some practice. Maybe someday, a really good book will materialise itself.

I just need to get started. Now.

New Bloghead

Okay, now that Quidam is into it's final week, I have changed my blogskin. I wanted to wait until the show ends, but I am just too impatient. Haha. Anyway, the new bloghead still looks a little funny to me. I've been meddling with it for the past two hours!!! But it's satisfactory to me, I guess.

Ha! Notice I've alphabetized the links to my friends' blogs? Haha, please read this entry to understand why I can be quite anal about such things. I am surprised I let it be for so long!!! Maybe I just never really noticed it. Haha. Alrighty, time to sleep! Work tomorrow! I AM WORKING EVERYDAY!!! TOMORROW, DAY AFTER TOMORROW, DAY DAY AFTER TOMORROW, DAY DAY DAY AFTER TOMORROW... SIAN!!! -_-

Relationships

Ever saw or even personally know one of those damn sickening perfectly beautiful couples that you just secretly feel like slashing into a thousand million little pieces with a forty inch paring knife? Oh yeah, how good that will feel.

Anyway, the topic of the day is relationships. Would one rather have a boring, but peaceful relationship or a hot and heavy one with all the whatnots, but never having a peace of mind ever?

Recently I have seen a few of my friends' relationships come to an end, and the glaring difference in how the relationships ended are really an interesting blend. One of the relationship just kinda fizzled and died, and despite still having strong feelings (one [by 'one', I really mean me] would not use the word 'love' because one does not like to use words that are too strong) for each other, they just do not have it in them to make it work. It was rather boring how they ended things, just an SMS, and that's it. Another came to an end because of conflicts in their lives, and ended with a lot of quarrels, perhaps a little begging and A LOT OF CRYING. Damn, the crying, oh how they haunt my dreams. Exciting, no?

These are just two of the examples of the recent influx of breakups around me. Isn't it nice that I am so single that none of these breakup stuffs ever touches me? It's like having a protective bubble around me that repels off all men, all guys and all male species. Even male dogs hates me. Just today, a little boy tried to chase after me and throw tennis balls at me, despite being more than three times SMALLER than me. -_-

It's tough to be a couple nowadays, ain't it? There are so many things to consider. We are no longer boys and girls holding hands for the thrill of the heartbeat and the tingle down our spines. Dammit!!! I have never felt that before!!! *starts wailing* The nearest I have ever felt to that was having the arms of one of my favourite acrobats from Alegria around my waist. Oh yeah, the excitement of that just plain kills my heart. Oh yeeeeaaaaah, and the most sex I've had in my life was probably clasping the hand of another acrobat, telling him how much I LUUUURRRRVVVEEEE his performance. Ahhh, the thrills of being young and crazy. Be still, my beating heart.

Anyhuu, it's really tough to be in your early twenties and in a relationship, especially if it's the same relationship that you had since you were in your teens. You are at the stage when the future doesn't seem so futuristic anymore, and you kinda wonder if you are on the right track in your life. Wondering if this is the guy you are going to marry, if you are wasting your time by not spending more time in the water, looking for better, righter fish. Then you wonder if you will ever regret if you even tried to jump back into the water. Tsk tsk, humans are such pesky creatures.

Maybe it is good to have some trepidations when it comes to relationships, especially the ones that seem to be leading somewhere. No one wants to wake up one day, look at the person sleeping beside them, and go "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE???!!!!??" Boy, that would be really tragic. And sad. And adverse. And appalling. And awful, bad, calamitous, cataclysmic, crushing, deadly, deathly, deplorable, destructive, disastrous, dreadful, fatal, forlorn, grievous, grim, heart-rending, heartbreaking, ill-fated, lamentable, miserable, mournful, painful, pathetic, pitiful, ruinous, sorrowful, terrible, unfortunate, unhappy, woeful, wretched.

Oh, I love my thesaurus.

Closure

There are certain things that you will never get over until you get closure. Like the lost of a loved one, the breaking down of a supposedly perfect relationship, etc. Closure can come in many forms, it can come in many ways, it can be unexpected, and it can happen so fast that you never realise it until many years later.

Closure is indescribable. It can make you scream, make you angry, make you laugh. It can make you feel a million things all at once, and nothing at the same time.

I think it is such a goodammned beautiful thing. Everyone should get closure.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

I am so tired!!! I am so used to sleeping late everyday before the exams and now that I am back at work, I have a lot of difficulty sleeping early. Might take some time before I can get used to sleeping pattern again. Today I was so tired that I feel like I am walking around with a warped navigational system. I seemed to be walking about a few inches off kilter. It was strange.

Just tried to get into some old jeans and I CAN'T!!! Damn, what is about old jeans??!!?? Everytime you tried to put them on, they shrink a little. But then it is true that I have put back some of the weight I lost in secondary school. Sheesh. It's time to get a good hard look at yourself, young lady! It is strange, I haven't had a big change in weight since I was 19, except this year when I just started my Lit course, and I was so stressed that I lost a few kgs, which I promptly put back barely 3 months later. But my jeans won't fit! Hmm, it's strange. Maybe my legs grew bigger, but the weight got lost through the chestal area. So it kinda balanced up. Haha, I am so tired. It's time to sleep. Good night.

Skinny Dude

Wow, look at the hotness that is Christian Bale. I would so marry this dude right now. Maybe he can help me eat some of my food and I can drop down to double his size.

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
--- Yeats

Stop Bitching

Why do people bitch about their life so much? They complain about this and that and this again. Why don't they realise that they are actually very fortunate people who have so many good things going on for them in their lives?

Why do they seemed so discontent about the smallest of bad things that happened, but never happy with the many things that goes right?

I know I shouldn't be judging them, I have great parents, lots of close friends, basically doing alright in my life, so I don't have anything to bitch, right?

WRONG! I have tons of stuffs to bitch about. If we really want to go into that, I can bitch the sky down. There are just as many things that could be better in my life, rather than just a mediocre okay or good. I could be prettier, have better hair, be rich, know what I want to do in life, have a talent. But that's unrealistic.

Life is never, ever going to be perfect, instead of letting yourself get dragged down by it, try to overcome it. Make things happen instead of waiting for something to happen. If you think something is not going right, do something about it! Stop bitching about it and waiting for something to happen. If you don't know what that something is, FIGURE IT OUT FOR GAWD'S SAKE.

As bitching as this entry is, I still encourage friends to come to me with their problems, because, let's face it, I am a busybody who loves to know everything. So do feel free.