Monday, January 28, 2008

Typing And The Perfect Formula (Again?)

Looking through some photos of my friends today, and it strikes me once again how much Mr Rainbow (a new nickname that he seems to like being called *shrugs*)reminds of a guy (let's call him Mr Q) that I used to really like when I was between the ages of 17-18

And even though the next couple of years after that, I had crushes here and there (because let's face it, it's ME we are talking about), I never really did forget about Mr Q entirely. I guess his was the kind of genuine likeness that was more than just a crush, and could have blossomed into a true sense of love, if it had the chance to. And such feelings you can never seem to forget entirely, even after you get over your them and move on.

What strikes me as interesting now is that although Mr Rainbow and Mr Q are so much alike in personality, they are so different in the looks department, that it was only until I started having feelings for Mr Rainbow and spending a lot of time around him that I realised how alike they are.

And that has got me wondering, are we all just attracted to the same type of person over and over again? Is there really only one fixed type of person who has the ability to make our hearts race? So am I supposed to look out for the exact same type of personality in the next guy that comes along? Or considering the experience of failure with both Mr Q and My Rainbow, should I just look for an exact opposite in order to find my true happiness?

I guess it all boils down to the "perfect formula" again. I am beginning to really wonder if there is really a way of churning up your happiness through a set of guidelines that has the highest success rate aka the "perfect formula". Maybe this so-called formula varies from person to person and the only way to really perfect it, would be through experience and constant fine-tuning.

Which may be a way of explaining why some people seem to go through a series of toxic relationships before settling down in their own happily ever after. But what about those who never find theirs? Is it because they fail to find the formula or is it because they have given up trying to find the answer at the end of the equation?

Questions, questions. Will we ever get the answers to these questions? I don't know, but I do believe that perhaps the best way to move on and grow with each experience in life is the questions that we ask and the journey to that eventual answer. My only wish is that the formula will not get too confusing and hopefully becomes easier with each step of the way. I have never really been that good with Maths.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

A Conversation

"Hey, my friend is asking me who is the guy I was with today."

"K-P-O sia."

"Should I say you are my gay friend, my best friend or should I say you are my bitch?"

"Say I am your bitch lah! That will shut them up!"

For some reason, I find this entirely amusing. If only he is really my bitch. The things I will do. *evil grin*

Love And Formula?

L's boyfriend left her for another girl, and she is trying her best to move on.

Y can only love the woman of his dreams secretly, because she only wants to be just friends.

O is struggling with her feelings for her best friend who she knows will never return her feelings.

J has a girlfriend who he cares about, but cannot help having feelings for someone else.

H left her boyfriend because he was never there for her, but still loves him deeply.

E is gay but afraid of coming out, and confessing to the guy he likes about his feelings.

T has a controlling boyfriend who always bosses her around.

L broke up with his girlfriend many years ago, but is still unable to forget her.

S is always paranoid and afraid that her boyfriend will cheat on her.

And M?

M is writing this entry and wondering why people even fall in love in the first place, when it seems like all it brings is nothing but grief.

M is also wondering how all these people can even take problems like that and still manage to function normally on a daily basis. And yes, these are genuine stories of people that I know personally. They are as real as their problems are.

But maybe like M, they don't really function normally. They just get by, trying to hide their problems and portray the very pretense of normalcy, when they are all but. I really like the idea of that. That I am not really alone in my crazy little world of obsessing about the oddities of this thing that everyone seems to be looking for, but few has ever succeeded in being truly happy acquiring it because it is never going to be perfect enough.

Perhaps the truly happy ones are those who have acquired it, found it to be lacking, and managed to find their peace with it? Having accepted what it is and adapted themselves to it?

The thought, although disturbing, is not without its merits. Somehow the idea of changing and/or shaping oneself to suit this grand ideal of love sounds so romantic to someone who always have a soft spot for the tortured love story, that it feels almost like a great sacrifice in the name of love.


To a certain extent, I think I have tried the whole adapting thing before. I tried going out with a younger guy two years younger than me and of a different race, I think, about four years back. And although I find myself happy for a while, it somehow ended up short. I am not sure if it was the difference in age or the difference in culture. Or maybe it's the fact that apart from a mutual attraction, we had nothing much in common. Although relationships is about adapting and getting used, but if something is not enough, it never will be. And I ran away from the relationship so fast that he pretended that he did not see me when I bumped into him on the streets a couple of years back.

Although the idea of meaning so much to someone that he will actually hate you that much is sort of tempting (let's just be honest, we all want to be that special at least once in our lives), but I guess I shouldn't be so full of myself. Maybe he really did not see me. Or maybe his bruised ego was the driving force behind his rage for someone he once said was the only person he could be himself around. Ahhh, things people say when they are trying to impress the opposite sex.

That said, I found myself wondering more and more recently what would have happened if I had stuck around? If I had just tried to get over my own uncertainties, would life be different for me now? Because it seems like even if I have found someone who is older than me, of the same race as me, and who I can definitely talk to about anything, I am still nowhere near the end of the searching bridge. All I get is another very very good friend who is very adamant about keeping it that way. So maybe the seemingly perfect formula is not so perfect after all?

Maybe each and every one of the above-mentioned are so unhappy simply because they are following the perfect formula, in the hopes of finding that perfect someone. When actually, perhaps, all they need is to toss the forumula away for once, and maybe just take some risks once in a while.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

La Douleur Exquise

"Was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of loving someone so unattainable?"

After the past couple of months of not understanding why I am so not myself, so nuts whenever it comes to anything that has to do with him, I finally discovered the idea of la douleur exquise (the exquisite pain). A concept brought to my attention by Sex and the City, which I have been watching religiously ever since I came back to Singapore.

I tried to watch the series a couple of years ago, found their attitudes towards love and sex a little hard to accept and stopped watching it. I guess one's ideas and feelings towards such things do change over the years, and I found myself not only accepting but also embracing.

So a la true Sex and City, and Carrie Bradshaw, fashion, I guess I am truly addicted, not just to him, for him, or even of the way I feel around him, but maybe to the idea of an eventual happily after that seems to always come after sadness and pain? Perhaps I am one of those people who just hates the idea of a boring relationship that seems to go smoothly every step of the way, and the further out of reach it is, I am hooked even deeper into it.

Maybe the true reason why I am so tangled up in this is simply because he is, to me, extremely unattainable. And like an unsolveable puzzle, I just cannot seem to figure him out, no matter how much I try to. And that just makes it all the more addictive to me.

Which would explain why I just can't seem to let go, no matter how I resolve to do it. Or do I really want to do it?

It is confusing, isn't it? Even Carrie (although fictional is a rather exact depiction of the women of today), who is beautiful, smart and successful, could never shake off her Mr Big entirely and still wounded up with him eventually. So the question that remains is has he somehow become my Mr Big? Someone who I will never be able to get over and forget entirely, even if someday, somehow I eventually manage to move past this phase of my life?

Will he always be that exquisite memory of pain that will always be a part of me, because not only did I choose to go after the unattainble, but I also allow myself to totally be engulf by it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Something To Blog About

Out of curiosity today, I took out two pairs of jeans that I bought about two or three years ago that I never wear because they were too damn blardy tight they don't fit too well, and tried them on.

To my pleasant surprise, they fit real well now. I know that I have been shedding some weight here and there, but it feels really good to be able to fit into jeans that have always annoyed me with its very pressence in my cupboard, simply because I couldn't wear them comfortably.

Then I realise that, I don't really like them anymore. I have recently developed a liking for jeans that are a little snugger around the ankles, and these bootcut jeans that I used to like two or three years just don't cut it anymore.


Oh well, I shall just take solace in the fact that I can fit into them now. And maybe wear them on laundry day or when I just couldn't find any bottoms to wear. It's always nice to have options. =D

PS: I need clothes for CNY and for CY's wedding! Headache!

PSS: Oh no... I am late to meet my friends!!! Baaaah!!!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

A Nice Realisation

It's been days since I came back, and to my pleasant surprise, I am no longer the emotional wreck that I was when I was in the US.

It is a really nice thing to realise about yourself.

And the better realisation is that I seem to have come into this newfound contentment about my life right now.

Compared to the expectation that things will never be the same and that I will hit rock bottom when I come back from the States, it is really, really very nice.

Of course life is not perfect. I miss the days in US terribly, there are still issues and a lot of things that I have to figure out and/or let go of, but at least I am feeling so much happier now.

I guess the Japan trip really helped alot. There is just something about travelling on your own, even for a couple of days that really uplifts the spirit. Doing whatever you want to do, going whereever you want to go. Eating only when you really want to and stopping to take in the surroundings whenever you feel like it.

It is just simply fucking fabulous.

I guess there are some people who just hates being alone, and have to be crowded by people most of the time, but I will always be that person who needs to be alone for a while from time to time. And trust me, being the foreigner who seems to be speaking some weird language really makes you feel really really special. Especially when you meet a cute stranger, and he went "Oh, you speak English? Wonderful! Can you help me with this?"

And of course the meeting up with friends is really really awesome. So far I have only met up with my Pinkies twice (hehheh) and with some of the guys I roomed with in OKC (WEST RENO BOYS!). Meetings with the Pinkies is as always damn fun. And it was really nice to meet up with the guys. After spending 6 weeks in their constant company, I really do miss them, especially when I was in Japan.

So suffice to say, life is really good at the moment. And the only thing I will ask for is for it to last as long as it can, for a long long time.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Goodbye Tokyo!

Final couple of hours before I leave the nice Hotel Edoya for the airport. I shall not leave without a final blog post!

I had a wonderful time here in Tokyo. And I am definitely going to come back here. It amuses me that sometimes when you think that you will enjoy something more than the other, the opposite turns out to be true.

And maybe that is why life will always eventually turn out to be beautiful. =)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Last Day In Tokyo

My last day in Tokyo!

Sadness! I am having such an excellent time here! Despite feeling claustrophobic from time to time especially when out taking the subways or trains during the peak hours, overall, I am really enjoying myself thoroughly!

I have always wanted to experience travelling alone and I think Tokyo, with its bustle and helpful, really, really nice people, really made this experience a lot less scary and so much more wonderful.

I am definitely coming back to Japan again, but the next time, I will want to go to the more suburban places, such as the villages, to soak up more of the local cultures.

That said, I think I am all set to go home. I have seen most of the places I want to see here and done all my shopping. Gosh! Seven weeks away from home, it's the longest I have been always from home! I miss my family and friends, AND MY BED!!! And local food! OMG! Laksa! Wa ai lai liao lah! Hehheh.

But before that, one final day here. Going to DisneySea today! Woopie!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Hopefully The Ending To A Story That Always Seem To Have A Next Chapter

"Someday when you find someone who means as much to you, as you mean to me, you will know how I feel..."
"Yeah, I agree with you.
"But I doubt I will meet one again..."

And just like that, the sounds of my heart shattering into a million pieces.


Oddly, at this very moment, I suddenly felt like the pressure is off. Safe to say that, after 7 months, I finally got the answer I am looking for.

I am not that someone to him, and I never will. I stopped for a while at this moment, and tried to absorb the strange feeling of lightness that seems to be coming over me.

Sure I still think of him a lot. Sure I do feel sad that this is never going to go anywhere. But you can't force someone to feel the same way about you, like you do for him. And that is that.

Sometimes it may be fated for people to know each other and develop certain feelings of likeness, either mutually or one-sided-ly, but if it's not meant to be, it is not. I guess being a big believer of fate, I shall just trust it to bring me to the right direction, and hopefully someday the right person.

For now, I shall just work on becoming back the smug girl who likes to sit one side la liang and gloat at other people dealing with relationshits. That is so much more me than what I am now. =D

Wednesday, January 09, 2008


My third day here in Tokyo and I am managing well, I guess. So much better than the first day when I reached Tokyo, realised that my friend won't be here for another two more days and felt really alone.

Making my way to the hotel was fine, as my mind was preoccupied with familiarising myself with the subway system. It was not until I settled into the hotel, that the quietness of the quaint little hotel started to spook me.

I fell asleep in my room, while waiting for the dryer to finish drying my clothes, then jerking awake about half an hour later, and have this irrational fear that my clothes have been stolen or something, and immediately felt like crying.

I quickly rushed to the laundry room to look for my clothes, which of course were still there (I mean, who would want to steal some old clothes), and went back to my room feeling like a broken doll.

But it was not until I fell asleep again that the loneliness really started to set in. I think I slept for about half an hour before I jerked awake again. Thinking that I am still in the States, surrounded by my friends, I burst into tears when I realised that I was alone. Six weeks of constant company and now being alone was really having its toll on me.

I guess I had been travelling for too long and really miss home.

After a ridiculous amount of time sobbing, I finally fell asleep again before jerking awake again at about 2 am in the morning (jetlag?). Feeling miserable, I decided to go to the hotel lobby and see if there was anyone online to talk to. And thankfully my BFF - the ambassdor of sexytime, Christopher Jack Tan - was still awake and online. I talked to him for a while, and to a couple of my other classmates who got online as well. I finally felt so much better.

The second day in Tokyo proved to be so much better, I joined a guided tour and visited some really cool places in Tokyo and also went for a Kabuki show, which is simply beautiful, albeit a little slow.

Tokyo is finally looking up for me. And I hope to be able to enjoy myself more in the upcoming week.

PS: Going to Tokyo Dome, Shinjuku, and possibly catching a movie today at the Ginza area. Plans subjected to change.

PSS: The Japanese are so nice and helpful! I vow to help any Japanese who needs help from now on with the upmost diligence and dedication!

PSSS: The Japanese are very black people. Almost all of them, males and females alike, wears black. Kinda cool. Hehheh.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year, everyone!

Just want to put in a short entry to mark the new year.

The past few days have been a happy time for me. Walking along the streets of Vegas and New York. I think I kinda finally understood the meaning of living for the moment, and not think about what happens after.

Whatever happens after this, I will always remember this trip.