I was reading XiaXue's blog today, because Jasu asked me to. There's apparently an entry about Macau, and Macau is like me and Jasu's si-pia-sure place. Muahahaha. And to be perfectly honest, she really does have an engaging way of writing. How she choose to behave and live her life is really her choice. I don't get why people hate her so much, but still choose to go to her blog, spend time reading it, then think of devious ways to cho her.
Anyway, I was clicking around her blog, when I decided to check out her earlier entries in 2003 to see how different she was back then and now.
And I think I may have developed some real respect for her. Judging from what I read, she seemed to be in a situation somewhat similar to mine right now. I am not saying that it's entirely the same, and I am like ready to jump onto her bandwagon, and declare her idol of the world. I am just saying that, I think
it may be the same from what little I have read, and I admire her guts for daring to pour out her thoughts and feelings a guy in her blog that anyone can see.
Look at me. I don't even dare to right out type his name here. But what to do. There are some people that knows the both of us who knows this blog. Although he told me that he is not really into reading blogs, and he doesn't read mine, Who is to say maybe some si-la-sai-er might eng eng come read, and tell him? Nooooooooooooooo!!!
And I simply flatout refuse to change my blog add just because of this thing. So all I can do is to type it out as ambiguously as possible. And keep my fingers crossed that it stays underwraps.
Yeah, I am. But of course it's not like we are anything more than just very good friends. I can probably say that we are a little above being just platonic friends. But we are still just FRIENDS! And he seems very adamant about keeping it that way. Not that I can do anything about it. So I have to respect that.
Oh well... I think most girls probably go through the same things, and laugh as you may that I am experiencing this just now, in my advance age (-_-), I take such things very seriously, ok? And I don't like to rush into anything, this is probably the first time I am actually doing something about it.
And I can safely say, nothing I have heard or read ever prepared me for this. It is so much like how everyone says it is, but the feelings that is invoked can never be explained or deciphered in words, because you can only truly know how it feels when you experienced it.
I kinda keep thinking back to this conversation I had with him a couple of weeks back. We were arguing about something that I was unhappy about. I think it had something to do with him not accompanying me to go get something, opting to go home instead. Something about it just keeps nagging at me, but I couldn't figure it out. Maybe someone can help me. It went something like that:
Me: It's not about whether you go or not. I want you to want to go with me. Not I say go with me, then you go with me. Or even, someone else is going then you go.
Him: Then next time I will go if I want to go loh, even if no one else is going loh.
Me: That's not the point!
Him: Then what's the point?
Me: You don't get the point? I must say it out?
Him: If you don't say how I know?
Me: Then there's no point already! Since you just don't get it!
Him: Huh? Then you say it out lar. Since we are talking about it now. You don't say how I know?
Me: But you don't get it, how I say it? Somethings cannot say one!
Him: Eh, not say like we are quarrelling or anything here, you know. If you have something you want to say, then just say it!
---Conversation went back and forth around this say-don't-say subject---
Me: Okay, if you want, I will be honest with you. There are certain things that I cannot say because of the nature of our relationship. It's very ambiguous.
Him: Ambiguous meh?
Me: Not ambiguous? Then if we are just friends, we won't be having this conversation/argument in the first place!
Him: *silence for a moment* Why? Friends cannot talk on the phone like that arh?
A bit childish, I know. And granted, I was quite unreasonable and really vague about what I was unhappy about. But I can't really come right out and say exactly how I feel right? But after this conversation, I realised that I have learnt something about guys. They don't get what women are trying to say 90% of the time, even if they say they do. They really need us to S-P-E-L-L it out in BLOCK CAPITAL LETTERS, then they will truly understand. Sigh~~~
Okaaaay, this entry is getting long, and its getting really late. I need to get a quick shower and sleep. Yes yes, I am sick in the mind for showering at this time, but I can't really sleep without getting a shower. Bad habit.
And tomorrow! IT'S TIME TO GET RIGHT DOWN TO WORK! Post-Assignment!