Recently, I have come to a startling realisation that sometimes despite having good intentions or even for the sake of fairness, justice and speaking my mind, my words have directly and indirectly affected people's relationships, and possibly caused changes in their lives.
It is a very scary thought.
I have known for a long time that people tend to come to me for answers and would bother to listen to what I have to say simply because I can get very anal about being correct, and also because I have always displayed this creepy level of maturity and reasoning since I was young. I won't say that I am influential but I do believe that I have a certain amount of influence on a lot of people around me.
Sometimes, with all the shit I say, I don't know why people still trusts what I say. But they seem to do and it suddenly feels like a heavy responsibility to have. Because the line between being honest and crossing the threshold to viciously maligning a person is very often blurred, and you never know when your words will be taken out of context.
Considering the fact that I have declared often and on many occasions that I can be a cruel, petty person and will not hesitate to say malicious things about people I dislike, it's a wonder why people still bother to be around me.
Honestly, I do not expect everyone to think like me. And I will never expect anyone to hate anyone or cut off ties with anyone just because I don't like them. But somehow, not sure if it is really my doing, or if the people I hate are really that vile, people tend to agree with me eventually. It's like I am the evil Queen but people somehow just find it in them to still believe that I am Snow White.
I really should try to always think about the things I say, and consider how they affect other people. It is just difficult sometimes to think beyond the haze of dislike and the need to just get the thoughts off my chest. But nonetheless, I have to try. Maybe it's all these self-reflecting and sometimes self-deprecating things I am always saying that makes me appear trustworthy to people, because they make me seem very down-to-earth and perhaps wise? But please, please, please don't make the mistake of putting your faith in me, I am seriously not a very nice person. I do not enjoy being kind to idiots and jackasses at all. And I am afraid of being around old people.
See this is me manipulating you right now.
Anyway, recently I find myself constantly having to explain to people why I am not actively finding a boyfriend. In their opinion, finding love means going for dates with any Tom, Dick and Harry (although right now, Tom sounds like a lovely choice) or those single mixers that throws all sorts people looking for love together, hoping that maybe just a couple of them would find what they are seeking for.
Basically, I find myself having to explain myself for my state of spinsterhood.
And I usually have to include my grand speech of why I don't see the need, and how I am OK the way I am. Which almost always invites pitying looks of "Oh you ignorant fool, you don't know what you are missing out on."
For the love of whatever almighty that you believe in, why is it that people always think just because people are single, it's either there is something wrong with them, like maybe an extra eye or head somewhere, or that they are picky, or that they are lacking in some way? And don't you dare act like there is something wrong with me. You don't have to convince me how awesome these single mixers are, I am not saying they are bad. I am just saying it is not the avenue I would like to explore right now.
Can no one understand that we are actually fine, and dare I say it, CONTENTED
I mean seriously, sometimes when I look at some of my friends who are married, I don't see bliss and happiness at all. Some of them just seem so tired and miserable. They look like they have lost that carefree and lightness we had when we were younger. I know life does that to you. I also know that not everyone is like that. There are couples who are truly happy, but there are still odds of going either way. I just don't want to buy in until I absolutely have to.
I am actually one of those die-hard romantics who is determined in finding true love and till death do us part, no cheating, no slacking. I've seen it and I believe strongly in it. Frankly, if anyone can give me a sure proof 100% guarantee of finding true love by doing something, I would do it. I really would.
No girl with half a romantic heart like mine would choose to be single if they have the option. I am not single by choice. I am single because there is no compelling reason not to be.
If it is stupid and crazy just because I don't want to live a life of unhappiness with someone who makes me feel like smashing a cooking pot over his head, then I am stupid and crazy. So be it. It may be the childish dreams of a little fat girl, who grew up on Disney movies and still believes in Prince Charming, but I think I really owe her this much. I've already let her down in so many ways, this is something I have to do for her. To find the right person.
So why am I not doing more to look? Again, there is just no compelling reason to. In so many ways, I am just not ready for a change right now. It feels to me like just not so long ago, there was still a gaping hole in the place where my heart was supposed to be. It sounds terribly cliche and corny, I know, but it is the way I feel. Now that I feel complete again, I am not ready to leave this confident, cheerful person behind so soon. Maybe I am just not a risk taker. But healing from a broken heart is awful business and not at all sunny and rosy. I like sunny and rosy. I am not ready to give it up just yet.
Maybe in time, my compelling reason will come along, and I will have no choice but to take the risk. But for now, I don't see the need to rush.