Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Congrats, My Dearest Friend!

Saturday, February 23, 2008


Happy Birthday to me!

In the new year, I hope to be happier, prettier, funnier and generally just be bitchier! =P

And I hope that I will finally be able to walk on by myself. Without anymore lingering feelings of attachments.


Thursday, February 21, 2008

They Who Strays

Recently, I have been hearing a lot of "straying" stories that have got me thinking about this sacred idea of fidelity. Why is it that although it is so difficult to find true love and happiness with someone you really care about, there are still idiots out there who are willing to risk it for a moment of thrill and passion?

Is it really so difficult to stay true to one person only?

Just last year my friend, who I used to think have the sweetest and nicest boyfriend, got her heart broken when he fell for someone else. He was a really caring boyfriend who seemed to care about her a lot, and is always very nice to her friends too. It was really baffling to me because I always thought that they could really go the distance.

And not long ago, a friend of mine told me that she had been seeing a guy on the side despite being in a solid and long-term relationship with her boyfriend. Although nothing much happened between her and the guy apart from platonic outings and conversations, she felt guilty for going out another guy, no matter how innocuous, behind her boyfriend's back.

And the most shocking story has to be my teacher in secondary school whom I really respected back then. He had this seemingly perfect marriage; he married his secondary school sweetheart, had two annoying but adorable kids who he always brought, along with his wife, to school activities. In my memory, they always looked so happy, and just seemed like such a wonderful family.

Then a few months ago, I heard from a secondary school friend that they were divorced. I was even more flabbergasted when I heard the reason. Infidelity. And the outrageous thing was? Both of them were having affairs. It would appear that even the staunchest of lovers may not withstand the lure of excitement, of something that is new and fresh.

This really got me wondering, if even the very people that we look up to and hope to be like someday are also displaying such tendencies, then what kind of expectations can we have for love and even marriage in the future?

And the more important question is, am I just like them too? Will I be strong enough to defy the seduction of curiosity and novelty, if I am eventually in a relationship in the future?

Because if I am, then what the hell, I rather just stay single instead of bringing such grief to anyone like that.

I am not trying to be judgmental here. A friend once told me that everyone has the secret urge to cheat; it is just dependent on whether they are attractive enough to attract people who are willing to cheat with them. The reason being that no one is ever satisfied with the same thing over and over again.

It is like you are an avid gamer who currently owns a PSP, which has good graphics, good game capabilities and is simply a very satisfactory game console for you. However, if suddenly an NDS becomes available, the gamer in you just cannot help but want to try it out. Although you may still think that the PSP is the best, you just can’t help wanting to give the NDS a go just to affirm that the PSP is really better.

I do feel that it all really comes down to how much someone really means to us. I am sure that if the right person comes along, faithfulness is not just easy, it is nature. When people really stray, it means that something within their current relationship is already broken. And although for some it may be possible to work things out, but more often than not, the cracks are just too deep to mend.

The sad thing, I feel, is that these people may once feel strongly for each other. But when feelings change, they just do, and there is really nothing much we can do about it.

PS: I am really an NDS person. =P

Monday, February 18, 2008

Pee Wee!

I was walking home today, carrying a huge bag of pads (yes my dear male friends, we ladies actually go out and buy pads. They don't just pop out of no where. Chio bus can don't shit and fart out Chanel No. 5, BUT THEY STILL NEED TO BUY PADS!), when I realised that someone was kinda following me.

Now I am not some thick-skinned woman who think she is such a fairy-from-the-sky aka TIAN XIAN that the whole world's men would follow her. I was actually walking for a while before I noticed that he kept walking behind me, and he kept matching my speed.

In order to understand fully my fear of being followed despite being on familiar grounds, I must explain that from the MRT station to my block, I have to walk through this carpark. And there's a stretch of short distance that is poorly lit and quite deserted at night.

And also, anyone who has been to my area before knows that there are A LOT of foreign workers hanging around here having their pinic parties, and by pinic I really mean alcohol. They are largely harmless who just kept to themselves, but from time to time when they get drunk, they can be rowdy and will sometimes harass the residents. So from time to time, it is actually better to be safe than sorry. Enough said, eh?

So after noticing that he was following me, I tried to turn around a few times to catch a full glimpse of his face. If this asshole was to try something funny, at least lao niang want to see his face CLEAR CLEAR! Then ask Constable Ah Chai to catch his sorry ass, and throw him inside to peh until his KKJ fall off! *works self up into a hysterical fit of anger*

But alas! He was a dark-skinned guy! So I couldn't even see his features properly! Damn! As my brain started to work up several unpleasant images of the things that he might be after (my money? my TIAN XIAN beauty? my pads? Nooooooo!!!). I started to clutch the bag of pads even tighter. I thought to myself, the moment he make his move I am going to blardy hell whack the daylights out of him with my plastic bag. There was a particular type of pad in the bag that was in a box and had a sharp edge. That should be more than enough to fend off the monster!

Then then then, after a few more metres when I turned around again, HE WAS GONE!


Feeling baffled and cheated, I slowly trudged my way home in a pissy mood. I mean it's good that nothing happened lar, but KENA JING XIA FOR NOTHING LEH! LAO NIANG NOT YOUNG LIAO LEH, ALWAYS KENA SCARED LIKE THAT WAIT DIE PREMATURELY, HOW? KNN! Who the hell knows what that person was thinking? Maybe he thought that I am someone he knows? Or maybe he's scared of walking alone, so want to make sure that he's walking with someone. Or maybe maybe he really wanted to attack me, but just decided that I am not worth the effort. MAYBE I LOST MY SEX APPEAL BECAUSE I WAS CARRYING PADS? OH NOES!

Or maybe maybe I am just plain nuts for even trying to speculate lar! Crazy. Okay, I want to go unpack my pads le lar. Baahahaha. I wonder if this repeated mention of the word "pad" is disturbing to any guys who may be reading this. Kekekekeke!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Disgusting Sappy Stuffs Again. Read At Own Risk. Avert Eyes If Needed

你说把爱渐渐 放下会走更远
或许命运的签 只让我们遇见

I am not some sappy teenager. I just find truth where I previously did not. Some things just become so much more truthful when you actually feel it.

Notice that I am kinda obsessed with truth and honesty nowadays? I guess that's what happens when you realise that it is hopeless after all. You just hope that truth and honesty will eventually deliver you and you will be happy again.

The day will come.

But when?

A Post-Valentine's Day Story

Sarah decided that this year on Valentine's Day, she would do something that she had never done before.

She was finally going to tell Malcom how she really felt. She was tired of being miserable all the time, just because she was afraid of telling him her true feelings. This time, she was going to be the one to take her happiness into her own hands.

Malcom always told her that she needed to be more assertive, to speak her mind instead of hiding behind her shyness. And it was one of the things that Sarah admired about him. That he was always so sure of what he wanted, and he was not afraid to be vocal about his thoughts and feelings.

So tonight, Sarah was going to get over herself. She was going to tell him! A couple of weeks ago, she had already asked Malcom if he was free on Valentine's Day, but he told her that he had to work late that day.

Although disappointed, she had the perfect plan in mind. She was going to give him the perfect Valentine's Day surprise. Just the thought of how he would react sent chills of fear but also anticipation down her spine. Will it really be the perfect surprise? How will he accept her confession?

Not wanting to think of these things, in case they break her resolve, she concentrated on what she was going to do later. And she was definitely ready for her big confession. She had on a beautiful dress, perfect hair, makeup and a pair of killer heels that she was sure that Malcom would like. And the final thing she did was got a bouquet of roses. She knew that traditionally the men were supposed to give the flowers, but what the heck, it was worth it.

And then there she was, waiting for Malcom at the lobby of his office at 8.30, the time he said he would be knocking off, feeling both nervous and excited at the same time. The lift door finally opened at around 8.40 with Malcom in it, and for a moment he did not recognised her. After all, she seldom dressed up for anything.

"You should doll up more often! You will look so much prettier!" Malcom had always told her.

When the moment had passed and Malcom realised who she was, his eyes flashed a moment of approval, then puzzlement, "Sarah, what are you doing here?"

"Malcom..." she said as she walked towards him, her heels clicking against the floor. "I just want to tell you..."

And she raised the bouquet of roses in her hand, and...

"KNN! Lao niang had enough of you, you understand? You treat me like what? Always telling me off, ask me to do this, do that! Machiam lao niang your maid ah! Valentine's Day ask you out, you tell me you working late! Flowers also never buy! NB, I tell you now, I AM LEAVING YOU, you farking understand! YOU CB KIA!!!"

Sarah then threw what was left of the poor bouquet of roses after some serious continuous whacking, and walked out of the building, a new woman.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

A Valentine's Day Post

Happy Valentine's Day, you disgustingly happy couples! Continue to be happy and haolian bah! And to all other bitter and jealous singletons like me, HANG IN THERE!


Oh well, it is really not that bad, I guess. As long as I stay at home and not venture out into the scary world of couples flaunting their love.

When I was 16 and obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend, I kept telling my friends that I HAVE to find a date before VDay that year. Of course, I did not managed to find one. It was a silly resolution in the first place, two months is an awfully short period of time for someone to fall ridiculously heads over heels for you.

In the years that followed, I slowly lost my fascination for being part of a two. I was alright with being single, and I actually enjoyed being single. While I never stopped searching for the perfect guy, I also felt no particular hurry to find a boyfriend. I trust that he will find me when I least expect it.

So now, a few years later, my friend ask me "Why do you like him so much? Are you that desperate for a boyfriend?" And I really thought about it. Am I really getting desperate? Is age catching up with me? Is the fact that most of my friends are happily attached beginning to taunt at me?

And my most honest answer is really no. I am not that desperate. In fact, if anything, he really caught me blind-sided. Talk about "least expect it" wor, be careful what you wish for peoeple!

Anyway, he really caught me at a time when I actually felt contented with my life. I never expected to feel so intensely for him at all. And from there, it just went into a downward spiral. It never fails to amaze me how unexpected life can turn out to be. I had never in my life thought I will like someone like him, and I had never in my life expected myself to be caught in a complicated situation like that.

If anyone ask me now, I will still say I am okay with being single, but I want to be single because I choose to be and not because someone doesn't want to be with me. Pathetic as it sounds, but if you think about it, at least it is honest and true. We cannot choose who we really fall for, and we can only hope that they can feel the same way about us back. But more often than not, they don't.

It's not really sad, it's just the way it is.

PS: Eeeeeeeee!!! The domestic assistant put brinjal in my lunch! Grrr, DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO FARKING LIKES TO EAT BRINJAL????!!????

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Dum Dum Dum

Chinese New Year flew by just like that, and it's time to seriously get down to business and start pretending that I actually care about my grades.

For a while now, I have been considering whether or not I want to continue my English Lit degree with SIM. I have been putting it off because I want to concentrate on my Mass Comm and at least get one degree finished up before I get too old, and no one actually wants to employ me.

I do love English Literature and Psychology, but the amount of studying I have to do really tires me out, especially when I hate to study for exams. Why can't they just do away with exams and make us do essays? Essays are good!

And I feel that exams are not really a good way of testing a person's knowledge on literature, simply because reading is something that evokes personal thoughts and feelings, and not something that should be structured by rules.

For my English Lit module, I actually did really well for my essays in the later part of the semester, but the final exam really got my grade down.

Dum dum dum. I still have not come to a decision yet, hopefully, I will in the next couple of weeks. There are so many factors to consider! Baaaah! -_-

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Can't Stop Thinking About This...


Is this what happened? Could it have been any different?

Wednesday, February 06, 2008


While doing nothing today I got to thinking, which has become a favourite activity of mine these days. Sitting around doing nothing, and think about what went wrong. Think about how it used to be. Why things have changed so much. And how could I have been so sure, when it was just a mistake right from the start. Yeah, I guess I have finally come to realise that it was all a huge mistake.

So there I was, thinking about mistakes that everyone makes in their lives. And this thought suddenly hit me. Maybe the biggest mistake that I have made is wait too long for the right guy to come along, and when he did, I placed too much pressure both on him and on myself to make it perfect.

*Uncle's maid approaches with a bowl of longan dessert* Hmmm nice. I can really get used to this.

Where was I?

Yeah, so I guess that's the biggest mistake that I made. I waited. Maybe it's just time to take some chances instead of just waiting. Maybe I should just live in the moment and stop thinking about the future so much.

Maybe giving someone else a chance, I am actually giving myself a chance.

A chance to finally get there.

Ask A Question?

The yearly day for couples to flaunt their love and togetherness is almost upon us! Yet another Valentine's Day that has absolutely no meaning for me. I remember a time when me and my girlfriends, when they were single, would get together and flaunt our own love and togetherness. But as we grew older, and more and more of them got their own tables for two, we don't really bother to think about meeting up because there are so few singletons left.

While I am not particularly upset about the fact that I don't get to celebrate Valentine's Day, since the day is only special if you have someone special to spend it with, the frilliness, laciness, pinkness, redness and love-shapedness that is overtaking the entire city is starting to scare me a little. I mean, why? Why? Frills, lace, pink, red and love shapes everywhere! It's like the exact opposite of a horror movie, which tries to scare you shitless with scary things, this is like trying to scare you shitless with frilly, lacey, pink, red and love-shaped things.

Anyway, I was looking at this Magic 8 Ball simulation website today, and it has all of the questions asked by people posted on the website in real time. Out of curiousity, I looked through the questions, and found some of the following questions:

Am I crazy?

Is he in love with someone else?

Does he have feelings for me?

Will we be together eventually?

Should I give up on him?

Will I ever find true happiness?

All these questions were posted by people that I do not know, but these questions are the ones that have been running through my mind for a while now. It is rather comforting to know that I am not alone in facing these uncertainties.

And then it hit me that humans have been dealing with these questions since they realised that sex with certain special feelings of attraction is so much more pleasant. And most of them managed to do relatively okay, until eventually they reach a point when these questions don't really matter anymore (i.e. when they die... =P).

That is just such a cheering thought, ain't it?

So well, since I was already on the website, I decided to ask some questions of my own. And here goes:

Will the frilliness, laciness, pinkness, redness and love-shapedness kill me?

Will I celebrate VDay alone this year?

Will I finally be able to take a dump tomorrow?

Okay, so apparently, I have no right to know about my VDay plans, I don't even have right to a clear cut sign of how I will die and if I will be able to shit tomorrow. Ahhh, the story of my life, even the Powers That Be just chooses to screw around with me and keep me in suspense.

Well, at least I don't have to rely on a fake ball simulation on the internet to tell me that!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Something To Laugh About

Okay, so I was reading my old journal at, and I found this...

I can
and I will
Wait till the day
You open your eyes.

I can
and I will
Wait till the day
You see me.

I can
and I will
Wait till the day
You realise.

I can
and I will
Wait till the day
You know.

I can
and I will
Wait until that day.

Bahahah, I don't even remember when I wrote this and who I wrote it for. But it's C-O-R-N-Y!!!

But I also realise that the way I journal/blog seems to have changed. I think I used to be so much more interesting. Sigh. It's just what getting old and life does to you, I guess.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

A Story Of Courage And My Fat Arms

Currently in the process of shifting the files for my blog over to Divshare, which is a free online storage that is highly recommended by a friend, who quoted that it was highly recommended by Digital ST, whatever that is. I am just a lowly female with absolutely no IT knowledge, and hence I bow to the wisdom of the experts. If they say it's good, it's good enough for me. *grins*

Anyway, I hate shifting web storage; it means that I have to look through all past entries and make sure that all the links are not dead. Although I doubt no one would read my past entries, but I just hate broken links. Call it a pet peeve if you will.

Today is my second attempt at venturing out into the world in a sleeveless top. And I find the following reasons useful when friends ask me why I am suddenly wearing them when I had spent the past few years avoiding them because I have fat arms.

a) I am turning 25 (errrhmmm), it's time I show some skin.
b) Tank tops are cheaper than DCP t-shirts.
c) I am used to winter weather, so Singapore is too hot for me.
d) No reason, don't ask so much. *puts on a angry, pissy face so that they won't ask anymore*

Well, while these reasons are good and true in some parts, the real reason actually runs a little deeper than that. I have always admired big girls who are not only proud of their own bodies, but they also dare to dress like their skinnier counterparts. It's a kind of courage that tells the world, I have a right to dress the way I want, love me for me, not my body. And although I have wanted to show that kind of courage, somehow, I just couldn't.

But I guess I am just sick of being scared. There are just so many things that I am worried or afraid of doing. But I guess my experience in Tokyo really helped me see that I shouldn't worry so much sometimes. I had almost wanted to cancel my Tokyo trip because I was afraid of being alone in a foreign city. And the first day was really miserable for me. But I managed to get over my fear and my misery and went ahead to have a fantastic time in Tokyo, all by my lonesome fabulous self. And I feel so glad that I did not give in to the naggings in my head and cancelled the trip.

So to me, wearing a sleeveless top out is not just because any of the above reasons. To me, it is a form of overcoming my own worries and to stop hiding my shortcomings. I am luckier than most and happier than some, so why should I not be like the rest? I shall NOT let a couple of fat arms stop me from doing something just because I don't dare to do it.

Hmmm, I know I won't be wearing sleeveless tops forever, I kinda feel really fat when I wear them. But for now, it's the small victory I feel for finally overcoming something that had bugged me since I was a teenager. And at least now I can now cross out one thing on my something-I-want-to-do-before-I-turn-25 list. =)