Friday, April 07, 2017


The past few weeks have a whirlwind to say the least. Time is moving so fast yet feels longer. Like each day is longer, but it flies by so quickly too. I had been given a date for the operation, in about 3 weeks time. I am feeling like I should be doing something over the next couple of weeks, because I will be forever changed after the op. The first change of which will be spending the rest of my life without my left nipple, among other permanent changes I will go through with the treatment.

I have decided to go with a lumpectomy, which is removing the cancerous cells with additional tissues to test whether the cancer cells has any signs of aggressive spread. But my Oncologist has indicated on several occasions that I cannot keep my left nipple due to the location of the lump. I have been feeling really torn up about this, feeling extremely sad that I will go to sleep on the op date and wake up with my left nipple gone. Forever.

So I have this incessant hope that the next three weeks will not fly by, so I can spend more time with my left nipple. And also the feeling that I should be trying to find some way to save it, some alternative treatment or anything. Or go on a trip whilst I am still whole. Do something I have always wanted to do while I am still "intact".

These racing thoughts along with trying to research more on my treatment and the paperwork, the preparation of work handover when I go for my op, is simply sending me into overdrive. I feel stressed and emotional. Not good for someone with cancer.
I don't know if I will ever get over feeling so sad about this. A lot of people tell me that I will get used to it. And that it's only the exterior that will be change. It's just tough when it's a part of me that I can feel is there now. Like it has sensation and will react accordingly to the environment, like when it's cold or if something brushes against it like my clothes. It is alive. And the op that will make me better will kill it, and it will be gone forever. I will not be able to feel anything in that particular area anymore.

I guess maybe like with all deaths, I need time to mourn about it and let myself grief over it and slowly come to terms with it. I refuse to let anyone who finds this whole fixation ridiculous tell me that I should not obsess about it. It's my body, my nipple, and how I feel about it.

Hopefully, I will feel OK about this soon.