Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Tiny Little Bomb

Why do we get such conflicting feelings as being drawn to someone yet feeling repelled by them.

While it is not entirely repulsion, it is not exactly affection neither.

I always thought that after I attained a certain amount of mileage in my tank, I won't have to suffer contradicting feelings like that.

Although it is not all that unpleasant, and I don't really mind it very much, it is a very disconcerting state to be in.

Left, right, no left instead, no wait go back right again, no it should be up!


Sunday, January 20, 2013


Sometimes in life, we find ourselves at a point where we suddenly realise that a lot of things around us have become different. And oftentimes, because such changes occurs in things that we thought will never change, it can be difficult to accept.

This change I am talking about can actually apply to a lot of things in my life, such as my lifestyle which has seen a lot of changes since I started working 4 years ago, my health which doesn't seem as good as it was when I was younger, and even Singapore's formerly awesome public transport which is totally horrible nowadays. My god, I miss the days when the MRT just came to us and it was like a gift from the heavens.

But most of all, I am talking about friendships.

My life used to revolve a lot around my oldest and closest group of friends, and I always thought that we will all grow old together and go join line dancing at the community centre or something together someday.

Yet, I guess I did not prepare myself for the fact that as we grow older and everyone started their own families, these things are bound to change. I do remember my parents telling me that this would happened, but I was always so confident that our friendship is different. Because we are not just friends, we are like sisters.

Oh well, what did I know.

Because things did change. And despite my best efforts, it is simply not easy to deal with them and I find myself resenting these changes more and more. I guess one of the main reasons is that I was so happy before, and slowly I started to find myself feeling overlooked and at times left out.

At the beginning, I tried really hard to suppress these negative feelings, and after I realise I needed to get them out, I started to explain my feelings and kept trying to make them understand how I feel. But when the dynamics of the group have shifted as a result of people moving on with their lives, it is very difficult to get back anything because you can never turn the clock on life changes.

Then why don't I accept these changes?

I did try to compromise. Honestly, I really did. But compromising does not mean that I accept everything especially the parts when I felt overlooked and left out. It means that I would like to see some compromise from them too. This is what friendship is about. You sign up for these changes, that is your option, but it is not mine. Is it really so much to ask that from time to time, we take turns in accepting each other's options?

Maybe things will be better if I have a partner too, then I will be on the exact same page as they are. But the truth of the matter is that I don't. I do not understand what it is like to be on your side of the story, but you understand mine, because you were here once too. So why is it that I am expected to understand and compromise, but so few of you are extending me the same courtesy?

There was a time when if my friends tell me they had a huge fight with their partners, I will always make time to meet up with them and talk things through. But what about when I had a bad day and needed to meet and talk to some friends? Why is it that I am always getting the "friends and partners" package? Is it that only problems with partners are big enough to warrant undivided attention?

There are just certain moments when you really need to spend time with only your closest girlfriends and talk about anything, even if the topic is not particularly important. It is part of unloading the baggage we have from our daily lives, and for just a couple of hours, become a secondary school girl again, just sitting at the void deck opposite your school, talking about silly stuffs like the kind of comb to make your hair most shiny and if the cute boy from the other class is interested in you.

I may be living in the past, but what's wrong with that when the present just seems so tedious?

And this is what I can't seem to make them understand. No matter how much I try.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Once again, some troubling changes are happening around me. And while it does not affect me directly, it is still demoralising to witness. I know I should be used to it by now, but I am glad to know that I am not so jaded that I am entirely impervious to ugliness.

But I am constantly reminding myself that I am here to do my job, so that I can provide for my family and to fulfill the things that I want to do in life. Although I cannot control what other people do, I can lend some support to those who needs it, learn from it and hopefully become a better person in the process.

I may not be one of those people with a lot of ambitions and will probably not end up becoming someone really powerful with lots of money. BUT I am a person who tries her best to work towards a better quality of life, without having to compromise anything, or manipulate and make use of anyone.

Ultimately, a lot of things in life are illusory. Money, branded goods, expensive cars, these are just what the eyes can see.

Don't get me wrong, I love expensive stuffs as much as the next woman hyperventilating at the thought of getting a sparkly new LV wallet. I love these material stuffs to bits, because they make feel me so damn good.

But such physical upgrades mean a crapload of nothing if we do not cultivate our spiritual upgrades.

No amount of material will make you feel as contented and fulfilled as knowing that you have conducted yourself with integrity. And how good it feels to be able to say that you are a good person.

I am sure even people without a functioning conscience knows, even if only deep down, whether they have done the right thing or not.

And this is the lesson I am taking away with me today.