Flight

As I will be going to US soon, without my laptop most probably because I am afraid that my extensive porn collection may not pass through the stringent custom-checks, I will probably not be able to blog for a while. Not that it will make a difference on this blog anyway.

Maybe it's a good thing to take a break from the embarrassment that is my life. The life of a girl pining after a guy who seems to like her but still just wants to be friends. Ugh, that sounds so sad! But I guess it is true.

I am sure that most people nowadays still believe in signs. Somehow,and the signs I keep getting is probably one of the reasons that keeps me hopeful that I am going in the right direction. By right direction, I don't neccessary mean eventually getting any kind of answer from him, but rather that I am going the right direction to eventually finding what I am really looking for.

Which at this point seems kinda blurry and uncertain. I used to be someone who think about getting married, having kids and just living a happy, ordinary life. But in recent years, I am starting to realise that I don't really believe in marriages anymore.

What is marriage anyway? A way for two people to show off to the world that they are daring enough to swear off other relationships and just be devoted to the same person for the rest of their lives? A way to consolidate their finances together so that in the event if one of them goes broke, there will still be support from the other? Or a way to ensure that they fit into a world where every other person is also getting married just because it seem like the right thing to do in our society?

I am not against marriage. I well up at the sight of a dear friend wearing a beautiful gown and entrusting the rest of her life to a man who truly wants to be there for her.

I am just saying that maybe marriage is not for me. I've seen too many broken marriages in my family to have much faith that I will eventually find someone who is willing to devote himself to me as much as I am willing to him. And I also do not want to be with someone who devotes himself to me more than I am prepared to for him.

I guess it all boils down to finding happiness in the places that you can, and not counting on an absolute eventuality. There is no such thing as forever even when it's promised. The only sure thing in this world that never changes, is change itself. If as a person, you do not have the basic ability to make yourself happy, then how can you even contemplate making someone else happy?

I guess there are just too many things that troubles me nowadays. They seem to flight from one idea to another and sometimes I really feel like I can no longer control them anymore. Although I do feel much better "puking" them out like some unwanted garbage the way I just did. Ahhhh, that's what a blog is for. Perhaps this is just a part of life that has puzzled people throughout the ages, and before I know it, I will be entering another phase of my life and realised that this is just some trivial shit compared to what I may be dealing with very soon. And although I don't like it anymore than the next person, but I refused to be fazed. I simply flatout refuse.

If this is what growing up entails, please, bring me back to my childhood.

"Love has no boundaries or restrictions, only rules set by humans who think they know love." - Hensen Moer