Guilt

Self-preservation over consideration.

This idea came to me last night after something that could be severe or not depending on the results happen in the past couple of days.

It really feels so helpless to have something happen in a foreign land and you are not even sure how to go about handling it.

And for one of the few times in my life, I really feel like I am the worst sort of scum for just considering my own safety first, and disregarding someone else's feelings when rightfully, she should be scared shitless right now. I am not trying to act like a saint, but seeing her cry right in front of me, it was enough to bury any feelings of dislike I have for her, and invoke a deep sense of sympathy.

I feel so guilty. I could not face her. But most importantly, I feel a sense of trepidation for her. What is going to happen to her if this thing comes back with negative results? What is she going to do for the rest of her life?


I pray that it will all turn out to be a false alarm. However, the selfishness in me is also scared of what might happen to me, if it is not a false alarm. I just can't help but worry and I can't even bring myself to look her in the eye as I automatically, yet with a sense of unwilling consciousness, avoid her.

Self-preservation over consideration.

Sometimes humans are just all selfish.

"When it comes down to it, the need to survive on the backs of others is the basic nature of instinct. And when that happens, will you still be able to look into the mirror and tell yourself that you are not selfish?" - Hensen Moer