La Douleur Exquise
"Was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of loving someone so unattainable?"
After the past couple of months of not understanding why I am so not myself, so nuts whenever it comes to anything that has to do with him, I finally discovered the idea of la douleur exquise (the exquisite pain). A concept brought to my attention by Sex and the City, which I have been watching religiously ever since I came back to Singapore.
I tried to watch the series a couple of years ago, found their attitudes towards love and sex a little hard to accept and stopped watching it. I guess one's ideas and feelings towards such things do change over the years, and I found myself not only accepting but also embracing.
So a la true Sex and City, and Carrie Bradshaw, fashion, I guess I am truly addicted, not just to him, for him, or even of the way I feel around him, but maybe to the idea of an eventual happily after that seems to always come after sadness and pain? Perhaps I am one of those people who just hates the idea of a boring relationship that seems to go smoothly every step of the way, and the further out of reach it is, I am hooked even deeper into it.
Maybe the true reason why I am so tangled up in this is simply because he is, to me, extremely unattainable. And like an unsolveable puzzle, I just cannot seem to figure him out, no matter how much I try to. And that just makes it all the more addictive to me.
Which would explain why I just can't seem to let go, no matter how I resolve to do it. Or do I really want to do it?
It is confusing, isn't it? Even Carrie (although fictional is a rather exact depiction of the women of today), who is beautiful, smart and successful, could never shake off her Mr Big entirely and still wounded up with him eventually. So the question that remains is has he somehow become my Mr Big? Someone who I will never be able to get over and forget entirely, even if someday, somehow I eventually manage to move past this phase of my life?
Will he always be that exquisite memory of pain that will always be a part of me, because not only did I choose to go after the unattainble, but I also allow myself to totally be engulf by it.
After the past couple of months of not understanding why I am so not myself, so nuts whenever it comes to anything that has to do with him, I finally discovered the idea of la douleur exquise (the exquisite pain). A concept brought to my attention by Sex and the City, which I have been watching religiously ever since I came back to Singapore.
I tried to watch the series a couple of years ago, found their attitudes towards love and sex a little hard to accept and stopped watching it. I guess one's ideas and feelings towards such things do change over the years, and I found myself not only accepting but also embracing.
So a la true Sex and City, and Carrie Bradshaw, fashion, I guess I am truly addicted, not just to him, for him, or even of the way I feel around him, but maybe to the idea of an eventual happily after that seems to always come after sadness and pain? Perhaps I am one of those people who just hates the idea of a boring relationship that seems to go smoothly every step of the way, and the further out of reach it is, I am hooked even deeper into it.
Maybe the true reason why I am so tangled up in this is simply because he is, to me, extremely unattainable. And like an unsolveable puzzle, I just cannot seem to figure him out, no matter how much I try to. And that just makes it all the more addictive to me.
Which would explain why I just can't seem to let go, no matter how I resolve to do it. Or do I really want to do it?
It is confusing, isn't it? Even Carrie (although fictional is a rather exact depiction of the women of today), who is beautiful, smart and successful, could never shake off her Mr Big entirely and still wounded up with him eventually. So the question that remains is has he somehow become my Mr Big? Someone who I will never be able to get over and forget entirely, even if someday, somehow I eventually manage to move past this phase of my life?
Will he always be that exquisite memory of pain that will always be a part of me, because not only did I choose to go after the unattainble, but I also allow myself to totally be engulf by it.
posted by Keiia at 10:09 PM
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