07APR17

The past few weeks have a whirlwind to say the least. Time is moving so fast yet feels longer. Like each day is longer, but it flies by so quickly too. I had been given a date for the operation, in about 3 weeks time. I am feeling like I should be doing something over the next couple of weeks, because I will be forever changed after the op. The first change of which will be spending the rest of my life without my left nipple, among other permanent changes I will go through with the treatment.

I have decided to go with a lumpectomy, which is removing the cancerous cells with additional tissues to test whether the cancer cells has any signs of aggressive spread. But my Oncologist has indicated on several occasions that I cannot keep my left nipple due to the location of the lump. I have been feeling really torn up about this, feeling extremely sad that I will go to sleep on the op date and wake up with my left nipple gone. Forever.

So I have this incessant hope that the next three weeks will not fly by, so I can spend more time with my left nipple. And also the feeling that I should be trying to find some way to save it, some alternative treatment or anything. Or go on a trip whilst I am still whole. Do something I have always wanted to do while I am still "intact".

These racing thoughts along with trying to research more on my treatment and the paperwork, the preparation of work handover when I go for my op, is simply sending me into overdrive. I feel stressed and emotional. Not good for someone with cancer.
 
I don't know if I will ever get over feeling so sad about this. A lot of people tell me that I will get used to it. And that it's only the exterior that will be change. It's just tough when it's a part of me that I can feel is there now. Like it has sensation and will react accordingly to the environment, like when it's cold or if something brushes against it like my clothes. It is alive. And the op that will make me better will kill it, and it will be gone forever. I will not be able to feel anything in that particular area anymore.

I guess maybe like with all deaths, I need time to mourn about it and let myself grief over it and slowly come to terms with it. I refuse to let anyone who finds this whole fixation ridiculous tell me that I should not obsess about it. It's my body, my nipple, and how I feel about it.

Hopefully, I will feel OK about this soon.

The Big C

At age 34, with a BMI of 29 that places me at overweight but not quite obese yet, I have always expected that the disease that would eventually get me to be high blood pressure or stroke. Maybe a heart attack.

After all, high blood pressure runs in the maternal side of my family, and my Dad suffered from two strokes over a period of two years, the second of which severely debilitated him.
Although I have always been quite healthy, with excellent blood pressure and other vitals, I did sense that with hitting my 30s, the stress of work and taking care of my disabled Dad, my health was starting to slip. But again, I was still more concerned with heart attacks or strokes. Never cancer.

And there, I said it. Cancer.

At age 34, just about a month after my birthday, on 24 March 2017, I was informed that I have breast cancer. My actual official diagnosis was actually the day after when I went to see my Breast Specialist for the test reports. My appointment with her for the diagnosis was actually scheduled for the following week after a series of tests, but she was kind enough to give me a call to go in, on a Saturday no less, once she knew the results as she wanted to give me my diagnosis as soon as possible, and discuss treatment options.

You know it's something deep shit when a doctor from a busy public restructured hospital wants to see you as soon as possible. Although I was and still am deeply appreciative to have been referred to her. More about her in later posts.

Although it has only been about a week after my diagnosis, it feels like time kind of just expanded. Like it's already been a month rather just seven days. There is so much to research, so much to learn, so much to unlearn. Everything I knew about myself, about my own health, my habits, my lifestyle and my own body has to be taken apart and reconstructed. I feel like my brain had never worked harder than the past week, trying to process all the information I have been given or found, into puzzle pieces that fits together into a big picture.

And yet, I know, with such pristine clarity, that this is not the hardest part at all. The hardest part is actually remembering that I have cancer. I still feel pretty much myself, nothing seems to have change. Except every time I look at my breasts in the mirror, the poor leftie that now looks different from the cancer and the biopsy.

I guess this is the one thing that is the most profound to me thus far. That I have cancer, CANCER, and yet, everything else around me is still the same. And that I still feel the same. Although I know soon, I will probably not feel like myself for quite a while. Which really saddens me and is why I feel that remembering I have cancer is the hardest part for me. Because regardless of the difficult times I have been through, especially in recent years, I have always love being me. This is not a narsiccist thing, but just the fact of enjoying who and what I am, and what I have. My love ones, my friends, the joys and pleasures in my life, the senses and abilities given to me. These has always given me such incredible happiness. I hate to think that I will start feeling differently, because of whatever treatment or procedure I have to go through

That said, I made up my mind from the day I decided to go see the GP and was told that there was definitely something wrong, that I had to be positive. That being positive is part of the formula to winning this battle, and that positivity kill cancer cells. I guess I somehow managed to lull myself into this consistent state of joviality, and taking each step with cheer and humour. I mean, of course, there were tears. And there will be tears to come. This is big; but it does not mean I shouldn't at least try to go through this experience with a little more laughter and fun.

And of course, I am very grateful that I won't be doing this alone. I did not really keep it a big secret, because I know that support is the most important thing anyone going through something like this needs. From the day I decided not to ignore the signs anymore, I told all the friends I talk to on a daily basis, which is more than a handful because I am such talkative person, and also the immediate colleagues from my department whom I am really close to. The people who I know won't kick me into a long kang if it turns out to be a benign lump. I did not tell my Mother until much later, but that's another story for another time. This post is getting long enough as it is.

After getting my diagnosis, I decided that rather than letting the gossip mill dissipate the wrong grains of information and creating all sorts of weird misunderstandings, I wanted to be the one to manage how this gets out. So I started telling more people. Friends whom I haven't met and/or talked to in a while, colleagues who are also good friends, colleagues who I work closely with and may be affected if I have to take a prolonged leave of absence, etc etc. I also started sharing my experience with some female relatives, especially those who are younger and may not even think to do self-examinations. At this point, I figured that if my experience can encourage even one person to be more vigilant, it will really make all this worthwhile. Yeah, I know, I am saintly like that. ;)

Although I have to say, it has been a very exhausting endeavour, the telling and going through the entire recounting of discovery to diagnosis and the options that I have so many times. Not bragging here, but I really do have a lot of friends. =)  But it is still something I wanted to do. Simply because I know these people care about me, and I want them to know about this life-changing thing that is happening to me right now.

As the days go by, I also realise that the other thing I really wanted to do, is to blog about it. Blogging has always been something that holds a place in my heart. Although I have been really bogged down with the other things in my life for the past couple of years, I have never forgotten about this space of mine. Where I poured myself into for a better part of my life. Whenever I felt stressed out or really down, I would pull out some old posts and feel better after reading them, knowing that life is constructed of many up and down moments, and that unhappiness never last.

Hopefully, I will get to that day soon, when I am able to read back on these posts about my experience with cancer, and feel that sense of peace knowing that I have made it through.

For now, all I shall stay positive and continue pushing forward!

25Nov2015

My attention was drawn to my blog recently by my erm, adorable Ticketing girls, one of whom was reading my blog entries aloud. Right beside me.

You never know how some of the heartfelt words you poured into your blog can be so embarrassing when people reads it aloud to your face.

But oh well, I have high self-esteem, so it's not exactly an issue.

Although, the other thing that was bought to my attention was HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST POSTED!!! More than a year?!?!?!?!!?

DAMN!

I always thought that in the 10th year of my having this blog, probably the only thing that came entirely and absolutely from me, I will do this big blowout post, highlighting some of my favourite entries and ending with a heartfelt statement of how much I love my blog, and how it has been a place of sanctuary, a source of solace, and just all in all SO ME ME ME.

Oh well. Can't cry over something that has already come and gone. And now it's almost December and I cannot even remember how I got here.

I think at a certain stage in life, you just kinda stop having resolutions or try to control how your year will be. Simply just letting things happen and hoping for the best has become a habit. There is no good or bad about it, simply a matter of preference. I do like to think that the control is still there, simply whether I choose to exercise it.

Although the one thing I would like to do more of is to post more in this blog again. I love reading back on the old entries, drawing strength from the person I used to be, and working towards the person I wanted to be, and giving future me something to read back on, to reminisc.

Of course deciding what to write about is also a headache, because there is simply too many things on my mind right now. So many things to decide, to plan, to put in action. But there is a big part of me that just want to put everything on hold, and take a break. Not like a holiday break, but rather a break from myself, from being me.

Please don't be mistaken, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. I am surrounded by everything that matters to me, particularly my family and friends, and I am very thankful for that. But it can be really exhausting trying to navigate through life, and there is a very real pain that co-exists with constantly trying to figure out the kind of person you want to be.

Sometimes, you just hope for a minute, or two, that you can be selfish. That you can simply do what you want, and be damn with the consequences. Constantly trying to think right, do right really takes a toil. I am almost afraid to admit how many times a day, I just want to do what I really want to do, say what I really want to say.

Except that there will always be a voice in my head (which sounds suspiciously like my primary school form teacher), manifesting along with these thoughts, telling me:

Not today.

"What to do?"

Locked

Why do the same thing get under your skin over and over again in different ways?

Does it mean that it's real or just that you are weak?

"Everything about you, just intoxicates me." - Hensen Moer

11 Oct 2015

Facing some really significant changes at work currently, and feeling really overwhelmed.

I cannot remember the last time I felt so in over my head; as if I am swimming in murky waters, trying to find the shore that I cannot even see in the horizon.

But I know that while all these is daunting to me, I am still glad for this opportunity at a new challenge.

I am not exactly someone who seeks out challenges deliberately, or even need any to validate my own sense of existence. I do like being satisfied with a job well-done and the pride that comes with knowing that I have done well, not just for myself, but also for the management and company that have taken care of me for the past six years.

This company has been a turning point in my life, at a time where I felt really lost with nary an inkling of how my life should go. Sure, there were moments in the initial years I was unhappy and wanted to leave so badly, but I stuck on and I am now at a point where I can be happy with what I have achieved so far. Not to mention the great mentors and friends that I would never have the chance to meet if I had not been here.

And when my Dad got sick at the beginning of the year, not only was I given the leeway to concentrate on taking of him, I was given so much support, advise and concern by my boss as well as my peers.

The initial thought of taking up this huge challenge, perhaps the biggest one for me yet, was not exactly for glory, although it was a part of it for sure. Let's be honest, no one does anything without hoping for some form of personal recognition, right? But it really did stamp from a desire to help and make everyone's lives a little bit easier. There were parties involved whom I cared about, and I just want to do what I can to help.

Sadly, thus far, not only have I not lightened anyone's burdens, I feel like I am carrying a huge rock on my shoulders as well. And the belief and faith some of the people around me have in me, is giving me such immense pressure. These are people I really respect and will never want to let down.

But but but...

I do believe in myself. I believe that I have not come this far by chance. I believe that my faith and belief will lead me to right, and that as long as I conduct myself with integrity, kindness and respect, I can never go wrong.

Ultimately, all I want is not to disappoint the people who care and believe in me, to be able to give my parents a reason to be proud of me. And of course, to be able to buy many things, and go travelling to many countries will be nice too. :)

Masochist

Intoxicate me silly, why don't you?

How many times can one imprint the pain onto the one who is causing it, although through no fault of anyone?

Maybe life is just so.

Full of intense and overwhelming feelings that you simply forget about once everything is over. And you begin to miss it. Subconsciously seek for it. Consistently getting drawn towards it.

I freely admit, I must have sought it out because it does seems like the purest of joy comes from the truest of pain.

Because I am.

"Even if I hit you a million times, it will not be the same."

GDE #7

The last time I thought the end is near was a year ago. I geared myself and was expecting the worst. Yet, something I never thought could happened did, and it has been a really unbelievable time. Every minute worth a penny, and every penny worth treasuring.

Now it really feels like the end is near.

I won't bargain. I can't.

I won't expect. I shouldn't.

I won't ask. Because the world is not up to me and my whims.

All I wish for is for the Fates to be kind to me. To weather through this without scath.

"I wish you nothing but smiles and happiness."

GDE #6

Because it feels real.

That's all.

GDE #5

The saddest tears are usually shed alone...

CIHH?

It's August!!! AUGUST!!!

I cannot believe that it's been a good four months since I last posted anything! -SCREAM FACE-

The past four months have been a flurry of activity, although if you ask me, I will not be able to list down anything major that went down. It has definitely been an interesting year thus far. Ideas and opportunities that have not even crossed my mind before suddenly presented themselves to me. I am not sure what will happen down the road, because it will definitely not be easy, but it is something I know that I have to do.

Truth be told, I do feel like I am going into a different phase in my life. The crossing over, so to speak. I have always thought it will happen when I turn 30, but apparently in my case, it's happening now, a year later. I am still not very sure how I feel about it though. Some days, I still feel as lost as the fat thirteen-year-old girl with her rounded, gold rimmed spectacles and pony-tailed hair, stepping into her secondary school for the first time, feeling totally awkward and out of place.

But I am aware that I have come a long way since, and that such feelings are momentary lapses that will always happen because we can never deviate from who we truly are. Not saying that I still feel awkward and out of place, but that these feelings, the thirteen-year-old girl will always be a part of me. No matter what happens, no matter how many phases in life and crossing overs I have gone through, I still remember her the most because no one can ever forget that feeling of being so scared of where she was that she felt like she could pass out anytime from being so self-conscious and hating the very skin she was in.

But hey, I went on to survive four years in that school, and also much more difficult environments after that. So that is my rainbow lining. And on days when she comes back to me, I will embrace every single bit of that walk down memory lane because despite everything, she is a wonderful reminder for me to be humble, appreciative and thankful for what I have now.

01042014

As many bodies on my FB posted today; it's April! 2014 is officially a quarter past! Happy April's Fool! =)

Things have been going well at home. Our helper is settling in well, although there are some teething issues and adjustment in both me and my Mum's daily routines, I have been feeling really good about the way things are for a while now.

I guess when something like this happens in your family, your perspective of everything around you shifts. At least for me, it did.

I realised that a lot of the negative things that I used to fixate on, just cease to matter altogether. All I want is for my love ones to be happy and healthy. Which may seem like something fundamentally simple, but is ultimately something you may hope but impossible to demand for.

Such is life, I guess. You can spend many years of your life preparing yourself for it, but when it hits you, it hits hard.

To be honest, old age and the ailments that comes along with it really scares me. Although I have never really been the kind of person who displays a lot of emotions towards such circumstances, and I have experienced my fair share in my 30-odd years.

My maternal grandfather suffered from brain and spinal damage even before I was born. All my memories of him were of this child-like old man, who could not even convey properly that all he wanted was a piece of biscuit. His wife, my dearest grandmother, who practically raised me as child, suffered from dementia when I was in my early teens. It was really sad to see her mind go away bit by bit, to the point where she did not even have the basic capacity to dress or relieve herself.

And now, with my Dad's minor stroke, and my Mum who has been having problems walking for a while now, well, I just don't know what to expect when one day, my own old age rolls around.

 But I guess there is really no point in fretting about the future. One may prepare for it, anticipate it. But you can never second-guess or reject whatever is in store for you. It is not a bad thing. Everyone goes through the same thing in life, and I am sure there are plenty of happy and healthy people who are enjoying their silver years as well.

Hope's the hope!

07032014

Just want to get in a quick update now that things are settling down a bit.

Dad's doing well in occupational and physio therapy. He will be coming home next Thursday. We also got a maid to help my Dad with his daily activities and also around the home. Will be going to the hospital today, coming Monday and Tuesday for the caregiver training.

Although everything still feels kind of surreal, because you just never expect anything like that to happen to you, at least things are feeling calmer now.

The expenses are rocketing, with the hospital stay, the hiring of the maid, purchasing of assistive devices for my Dad, and all the other possible expenses that might come in the future. I am still doing my best to stay positive, because I know that we are very fortunate in many aspects.

My Dad is still alert, remembers things and haven't lost his personality. This is definitely the best thing. Money can be earned, as long as we are able to maintain our health, positivity and spirit.

So for that, I am thankful.

140214

It's been a while...

2014 is half way into it's second month, and considering how much I love Februaries, I really wish I can have happier things to blog about. But I guess there is no better around it, and I am just gonna say it.

My Dad suffered from a minor stroke last Friday, and is currently undergoing rehabilitation in a community hospital.

Despite my usage of the term "minor", I can tell you right now that in all its definitive actuality, this by no means feels minor at all to me and my Mum.

A stroke happening in any capacity is a devastating thing. Fact.

The disbelief and helplessness we feel in the circumstance still feels unreal today, a week after it happened. This hit us, it hit us hard, and we are still reeling from it. Even after a week of going to the hospital, witnessing how this had affected my previously healthy, strong and independent Dad, and talking to numerous doctors, nurses, anyone who has experience with stroke sufferers, and anyone willing to talk or listen to me talk about it.

I am trying to deal with it, by keeping myself, my mind as thoroughly occupied as possible. I talk about it a lot, almost to the point of being obsessive. When I couldn't talk about it, I Google, read up, make sure I understand and postulate all kinds of possibilities, both the good and the not-so-good. To ready myself.

However, I am still thankful for being able to use this term "minor". Simply because my Dad's condition has been deemed stable enough for him to begin rehabilitation, and for him to be transferred out of acute care in a major hospital, to a less sterile environment in a community hospital. I consider this a blessing.

This is another key. Staying positive. Constantly telling myself and my Mum that everything has a solution, everything just needs some figuring out, some getting used to.

Right now, it still seems like a long road ahead, but the good thing is that my Dad is extremely positive. Although he has lost quite a bit of control in the left side of his body (stroke occurred in the right brain, hence presentation of the symptoms on the left side), his mind is still sound, he can converse and still has his memories. I consider this a blessing as well.

His first physiotherapy was yesterday afternoon. When I visited him in the evening, he seemed tired but in good spirits. I had some friends with me, and he chatted, told stories, laughed. Even crossed his left leg over his right leg, something he hasn't been able to do just a few days earlier.

Hopefully, with time, patience, strength and positivity, we can keep up with this level of progress.

Before 2013 Ends...

The year is almost gone now!!!

I know I did not blog much for the year except for some nonsensical blabberings here and there. But hey, no news is good news! A lack of blog posts is a good indication that I am busy living my life in the real rather than sitting in front of the computer, being all emo and needy and shit, right?

All's cool!

I had a good year. It hasn't always been rosy and smooth-sailing in 2013, but definitely ending on a cheery note. I hope. We still have two more weeks to go, so no jinx! *tap on wood*

The past two years have been somewhat of an interesting ride. I find myself drifting apart with some people who are really dear to me and feeling really down about it. But I also managed to reconnect with some old friends and realising through these old-yet-new friendships that I can be a different person, a better person. A person who I am still trying to, learning to become. It will take time, but we are slowly getting there.

I am definitely learning to control my temper better, to stop fixating so much. And most importantly, learning to cut myself and the people around me some slack by letting go of expectations and also by not doing anything simply because I hope that it will earn me approval, or worst, their gratitude. This is the most tedious way to be in any relationship, be it friendship, kinship, or anyone whom you really care about.

In 2013, I also find myself marveling at the wonders of fate and destiny. The two things which have always been way beyond my control, but which I have mad respect for. I can never try to second-guess or challenge them, because they never fail to amaze me with their pocketful of surprises. But they have taken care of me well, and brought me to where I am now. I am grateful.

So there, this is what I want to put down on record. Before the year ends. Think I need to do one more post to look at the resolutions I made at the beginning of this year. Although we do have two more weeks to go before I have to make new ones, so... #ProcrastinatorInDaHouse

Bish Air Love

Well, it has finally happened!

I tried my best to prevent it from happening. Said no whenever people asked me to give it a try. Frowned at them in disbelief when the same people told me how much they love it and how funny it is. After all, as someone who spent years watching sitcoms almost exclusively, I thought I have seen it all. That nothing new will amaze me.

But I was wrong. You can't hide from a good thing forever, for it was bound to catch you someday. And now my internal organs are at risk.

And there you go. I have become a Running Man addict!

Thanks to the off-season period of all my favourite TV series, and finding no new engaging source of entertainment. I decided to give it a try. Sigh.

I am laughing so hard at almost every episode that I really worry for my internal organs. They might just implode any day. Meh.

But like the wise person always says (and by wise person, I really mean myself), if something brings you so much laughter that you can actually cry from it, why would you not want to love it?

So yeah, I love Running Man. I am not very far along yet, only about episode 40 something, because I am kinda OCD like that and need to watch everything from the beginning, but so far, I am seriously loving it.

And one of the reasons why I love it?

That blasted gust of BISH AIR that makes celebrity faces go like this:




I love this BISH AIR thing. I want to marry this BISH AIR thing and have a lot of little BISH AIR thing babies!

I mean seriously, anything that makes people's faces go like that? ME LIKEY!!!

Veddy much.