Frustrated

I cannot believe I've only been around at home for a week before my Mum is driving me crazy again.

As usual, she is getting worked up over the non-existent problems my cousins have. I don't know what to do anymore. Damn if I do, damn if I don't.

Sometimes even being helpful doesn't get me anywhere but a earful of shrieks in my ears.

I am not in the best state to deal with all this shit. She doesn't seem to have much reaction that I am having a particularly stubborn bout of cold, yet managed to get herself all up into a hissy-fit for something that does not even concern her.

Well done, lady. Well done.

Angry

Yes, 90% of the things I say are just crap. So please, PLEASE don't make the mistake of believing anything I say.

Because that would make you stupid.

You want logic, here is your logic.

90% of the time, you make my blood boil because you are just such an asshole.

Because

I never knew if anything I do is right. I just always believe that as long as I have faith in myself and the Powers that are looking out for me, I will get to wherever I am supposed to be.

And I have never been failed.

So, as always, I am going to trust that this is part of the journey. That there is a lesson to be learnt here.

I will get there.

Poor You

People are telling me that it is alright.

For things to be the way they are, because there is nothing wrong with it.

Unless there is a conscious choice to abuse whatever power this gives to the person in question, which essentially puts the whole burden of the matter on anyone but me.

Sounds like the short end of the stick, especially when it seems like I am the one who started this whole mess.

The world does not seem very fair right now.

Secret Place

"Through the hourglass I saw you, in time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed I called you, and turned to hear you say

If only for today I am unafraid..."

Show Me

I believe in signs.

Looks like you are out.

OK.

Tails, you don't.

女无注容技智, 应忌招蜂引蝶

Race Day Hana!

Finally the last few months of work has brought us to the first day of THE EVENT!

It has been an interesting year yet. Moving over to the Site Office was a refreshing change. Being so near to the track really makes one feel more "involved" with the event. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I am doing my part to make the Race happen, and not just clocking in the hours.

There were many moments where I felt really jaded and wondered if I had it in me for another Race. Especially when I see my team working till the wee hours, looking so tired and broken. But apparently, I do. And I feel really good about everything we have managed to achieved.

I feel so proud of my team, especially my girls. Feeling so much love for them.

I remember one incident when I spilled water all over my desk and couldn't do a damn thing in the moment because I was so damn tired and stoned. They rushed over, moving away my important papers, my laptop, and wiping away the water. One of them even wheeled my chair away so I wouldn't get any water on my clothes.

HOW SWEET IS THAT?!

I have never been able to get into this role of being a "boss" entirely. I have kinda always known myself to be a worker, never a leader. Despite what people may say about my bossy nature. But after two years of being a "manager", I have learnt so much about managing not just my own team, but also my peers as well as my superiors.

It is all about right timing, right things to say, and a lot of luck that you are on the same page with whoever you are talking to.

Mad skills that I will probably never pick up. Ever.

Although people are telling me I am more cheerful this year, and getting better at interacting with people without getting into spasm fits of anger.

Sincerely, I credit this to Buddhism. Nothing like a good ommmmm to dissipate the anger cells! You should try it sometime too!

Day 4.

It is not easy to be.

The constant buzz of activity helps. When you know for sure what is constantly on your mind, even the smallest of triggers can remind you of what you are missing.

The blink of an eye.

The twitch of a smile.

Every thing seems magnified. I cannot wait to be back. Because then, I get to be.

Just the way I want things to be.

In Your Court

"You befuddle me.

Unless you can afford to put your bets on the table, I don't want to have anything to do with you."

:)

That was... really sweet.

Can't believe how much I feel for it.

Why?

For the last damn time.

Don't put things in front of me that I cannot have.

I am getting tired of all this shit.

Mother

After so many years of living with my mother, I finally conclude that she will always be this stubborn woman who will hold on to her own perspective of looking at things, people and the world around her. Regardless of how much she had mellowed in age. And no matter how much I have done, and will do, to prove that I am a responsible adult who knows how to take care of herself, she will always look at me as a stupid dumbshit kid who don't know what the hell she is doing.

I wonder if I should tell her that I am onto her.