Damn Me

I really think I am my own worst enemy.

I make poor decisions that makes no one but myself unhappy.

Or Do You?

"Just because you can't really get over the dark parts, doesn't mean you can't get to the good ones. Sometimes the brightest light comes from the darkest places."

Funny how sometimes you hear something before, perhaps more than once, but when you listen to it again, and really listen to it this time round, it makes so much sense. And it makes you feel a little bit better about your own troubles.

I realise that I don't have the energy to go around telling people the stuff that troubles me any more. I simply just let it stew inside of me, go out into the world pretending everything is just fine and dandy, then get home at the end of the day and start stewing about it all over again. Occasionally, when I have the inclination, like now, I blog about it.

I can think of a couple of reasons why. For one, you never know what kind of reaction you may get. If they pin-point my faults and shortcomings, it makes me upset and angrier. If they are too agreeable, it gives me a faux sense of self-righteousness that more often than not, is just a by-product of them telling me what I want to hear, because they want to avoid making me upset and angrier. Secondly, it just feels too exhausting to constantly tell a negative story that stars me as the protagonist and antagonist at the same time.

That's right. I readily admit that I can be the bad guy. Simply because other people refuse to be or admit that they are. Rather than be the type who quietly creates anarchy then sit back to watch, I decide to get angry and make it explode in everyone's faces. Because the world worships chaos, and without people like me, people get bored too easily. Which makes them feel like there is no meaning to life. Nothing for them to jump in and rescue. Nothing to give them the satisfaction of feeling like they are innately good. Nothing to stop them from feeling that there is nothing worth living for. Nothing to stop them from becoming suicidal as they would now be able to seek hope in the thinking that they are the ray of light that the world needs.

If you ask me, I think the world just cannot help but need more angry people like me. We are the ones that brings out the lightness in the dark. Not because we are dark, but because we are constantly pointing out the dark and hence it draws attention to the light too. Although, sometimes, in our attempts to point out the dark, we sometimes get consumed, without realising it ourselves.

So am I saying that my anger is justified? Not even the slightest. Although I believe that my anger is the sad, misshapen repercussion of the world, my anger is only harmful for myself. None of the goodness, but all of the poison. If this is not the short end of the deal, I don't know what is.

But one can only hope that the brightest light really comes from the darkest places. I can only try my best to see things a little clearer, understand the world a little better. Cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Because like all matters of the world, you never truly know, do you?

Nothing

I hate the world and the people in it today.

I am angry. I am so fucking angry. I have no where to channel this anger, and all the old residue anger is coming back to me as well.

All these people who keeps telling me to think differently, so that I can feel better. But why must I change myself so that others can stay the same? How is it fair that I have to constantly make do, and others do nothing but judge me behind my back?

I am supposed to feel lucky because I have a lot of things that others don't. But I also don't have some important things that everyone else have. Yet, I am supposed to go around with a grateful smile simply because I am lucky, while others get to whine and shit all around me, and I have to take it because good people should not complain?

Please, then just let me be a shitty person. Let me be the lousiest person around and shit all over your life. How about that? It always seems like the bad gets punished, and the trying-to-be-good ends up feeling like a dumbshit.

I hate that I care so much about all these things and all these people who just think I am judgmental and critical. And the people who tells me to be like this, and be like that. Yet they never even once considered that maybe they are not living up to my expectations as well?

The good are deemed as weak and gets trampled, while the strong are just horrible people waiting to reap the rewards from the remnants of the good people's trodden on spirits. Where is the fairness in all of this? Where is  the ultimate right and triumph over evil?

And I don't even know how to fix it. To make everything better.

I think above all, I am just really disappointed at my own weakness. I really hate myself right now.

I Love The Word Conundrum So Very Much, It Makes Me Sound Smart

Sleep eludes! OMFZONKINGG HOWTHEHELLAMIGOINGTOWAKEUPINTIMEFORWORKTMR???!??!

I been thinking about someone a lot lately. No, this person is not some crush or potential love interest. Just someone I feel like I have let down a long time ago. Someone who had been a really good friend and was there for me a lot during a difficult time. But whom I feel like I had let down, because I wasn't able to reciprocate by being a better friend.

Maybe the guilt is finally catching up with me after all these years, but somehow the need to contact this person to say something is getting more and more overwhelming.

I think friendships are a lot like relationships sometimes. You tend to do more for people who don't seem to care as much about you, and unwittingly take people who is always there for granted, simply because they are so available. But sometimes this backfires in your face, and you realise you've really lost a good one.

I can only conclude all relationships, as long as it deals with human behaviour and emotions, can be really tricky. Sometimes I get so tired from all this crap. That is until I remember I am afraid of loneliness too.

Again. Conundrum.

Conundrum

Tired of trying to be someone I am not.

I just want to be the person I want to be.