Feeling Like I Am Drowning

Somehow it was really hard for me to start writing this entry. I have attempted to start this entry for the past couple of days. But somehow it always gets shelved. And tossed away somewhere.

And now I am just plain tired of trying not to think about it and pushing it aside, or not daring to blog about it because I am afraid somehow he will know. When all I really want to do is scream to his face

I AM FUCKING MISERABLE BECAUSE OF YOU!

I know that it is not his fault that I am miserable. I talk to my friends about it, and they all kinda agree that it's not his fault. It's just my innate nature of worrying and thinking too much.

WTF??!!?? It's always me, me, me, me. I am irrational, unhappy, angry and jealous. Something that I promised myself a long time ago that I will never become.

Although there are a lot of times when he makes me laugh, and I can feel this real sense of genuine happiness, somehow I know that it’s incomplete. And that maybe it never will be.

What am I doing really? I seriously need to get it together. Somehow I feel that the silver lining is just right in front of me. It’s just a matter of choice.

This is something that I really have to figure out before I really lose track of who I am and what I really want.