>_<

Suddenly have this feeling that everything is pressing down on me and I can't breath.

I need a sign, some sign, any sign that gives me a clue.

What should I do?

To go? Or not?

Help...

"Give me one reason to stay, and I'll turn right back around."

Yes, I Wrote This At Six A.M.

There are times when everything seem to slow down, when I started to go through my memory, much like one would go through a favourite book that had been read over and over again.

I would go through a lot of things that had happened to me.

About the past, growing up, the people I met over the years that changed my life, and anything I remember that I can pull out of my mind. And trying to remember how I felt when I experienced them.

I guess I really miss being in the past. Perhaps because I don't really know where I am going now. Or maybe because I no longer have that absolute belief that life will turn out fine in the end.

Not that I think it is all that bad. Just that I don't really have any idea at all of what the destination looks like, and I feel really stifled by that thought.

I am someone who likes to know how a book or movie ends before I will think about giving it a chance. I hate suspense, unpleasant surprises and not knowing whether it will end up good.

I like, and perhaps demand, a happy ending, but have lots of doubts that it will ever really happen to me.

The eternal optimist hopeful, who doesn't really believe that she deserve the best ending possible.

Paradoxical yet again. Maybe that is just what my life is about. Paradox.

Sigh.

Something To Think About

MSN Messenger works in mysterious ways.

Yesterday Yoniko was trying to post some news links for me and Junie in a 3-way convo, but was kicked out from the chat altogether. The next hour saw the three of us experimenting with various news websites and links, just to see if the same thing happens.

And it had been ascertained! MSN do not allow the copying and pasting of links from news websites or any other websites that may offer news. Even Google is not spared!

The horror!

They are probably trying to stop the spread of "unsuitable propaganda". But I kinda feel that it's more of a suppression of the freedom of information sharing.

Who knows what they are thinking?

Again I stress, MSN Messenger works in mysterious ways.

Sigh...

I don't understand.

Is it so hard just to be honest? Why the lies?

Maybe it is really too difficult.

Reporting Live From The National Library

Just saw the CUTEST guy~~~ He is so cute, I can just so die right now!!! *squeals*

Okay, end of bimbiotic moment. Now back to work. ^___________^

1506

How did it start, really?

Hmmm...

There was a while when I was very certain that I know who I really want, and that this person is the only one who can make me happy. And I actually thought that I can be someone who makes a difference in his life, just as he has made a difference in mine. Silly confidence, but it is something that I truly believed in.

Although we have never been anything else more than really good friends, I have always been glad to have his friendship. For a time, when things got pretty bad between us, and I thought that I had really lost this friend, I experienced a true moment's of panic when I was faced with the possibility that I may have lost not only someone that I truly care about, but a friend that I really want to keep for a very long time.

I contemplated for sometime, if I should just give up or should I persist?

To just wait. Without reservations.

But I guess time really does put things in perspective, and when a person's mind is not so clouded by emotions and negativity anymore, she can see that maybe this is all for the better.

Perhaps it is better to believe that if two people are really meant to be, they should cut the cord on the relationship aspects when things don't feel right anymore, and trust that fate will push them into the right direction. Be it friendship or otherwise.

And at the end of the day, I think I still prefer friendship more than anything else.

"Actually just now I wanted to tell you that the guy I was talking about is you. The rest is up to you."

Yet So Exquisite

"The taboo that surrounds a possible us. The stand that wavers. I crumpled. The wrong, the never meant to be. The pain, the unbearable.

Yet so exquisite."

Sigh. Why are the most beautiful of things sometimes so poignant and so unattainable?

The Screaming In Her Ears

"There was a boulder lodged in my throat. My heart surged pitifully. I knew what the boulder was; that it was a word; and that behind that word I would find my earliest emotions. Emotions that had frightened me insane. I had been going to say, before the boulder barred my throat: my sister's death; because that was how I had always thought of Dura's demise. She'd simply died. She'd bled and bled and bled and then there was death. No one was responsible. No one to blame. Instead, I took a deep breath and exhaled it against the boulder blocking my throat: I remembered my sister Dura's murder, I said, exploding the boulder. I felt a painful stitch throughout my body that I knew stitched my tears to my soul. No longer would my weeping be separate from what I knew...

She has been screaming in my ears since it happened."

-- From "Possessing the Secret of Joy"

Shopping Shopping, Online Shopping!

WOKF server is under maintanance now, so can't play. SIAN! Oh well, it would be good to catch up alittle on reading blogs and actually updating my own. Keke.

Anyway, have been shopping online with my Pinkies lately and doing our own sprees! It's always nice when your group of friends is big enough that you can buy from online warehouse shops that require you to hit a minimum number of items.

We just completed two sprees in the past month, and have already received the first shipment. The second one is on its way, hopefully. I bought three dresses and a top from the first spree and another four dresses from the second, one of which is a birthday present for my friend. Heehee, yup, I am wearing dresses. So act girl, right? Kekekekekekeke!

And it's so nice that I can get affordable clothes for myself, and as presents for my friends. Imagine a dress you have to buy at $39.90 in local shops, you can easily get it at less than half the price in online sprees. Who don't want??!!??

Will be joining in another spree with cousin Jenny too. Ahhh, my money all gone~~~ Haha, I have hardly worn the three dresses from the first spree, and here I am, already exciting about the third. Hehheh.

Okay, I am feeling sleepy now. Time for an afternoon fiesta~~~ Hoho!

Quote

My murdered soul thirsts for a resolution. Give me back what you have taken from me. "- Hensen Moer

Xiya

For the first time shown to public, MY WOKF CHARACTER, XIYA!!! *applause applause* Eh, clap lar! She is as much a SUPERSTAR as me, okay? Even though she always kena PK! ^_^

Anyway, Xiya's weapon class is fan and her main role is a healer, which means in most combats, she is only a supporting character, and her attacks, hp and mp is much weaker than other classes. I see my friends' char whack one time die, I have to whack like three or four times. Sad...

But anyway, presenting... *applause applause*


Chio right? I uber love this Piao Ping fan that she is using now. The next level fan is kinda ugly. -_-


Close-up. WOOT! CHIO! LOL. My narcissism has gone beyond real life, it seems. =P

A Quote

"And what about your dreams? the doctor one day asks me.
I tell him I do not dream.
I do not dare tell him about the dream I have every night that terrfies me." - Tashi (Possessing The Secret Of Joy)

A Paradoxical Post

An online game such as the one I am playing can bring out certain characteristic traits in people. But whether or not we are actually the one we are in the game, is another question.

Some people have been telling me that I am not serious about the game, while others are telling me that I am taking it much too seriously. And they make comments about my personality which results in my thinking about whether I am really like that in real life too? Then why haven't anyone said anything? Is it because that we haven't interacted enough in real life, which results in them only knowing me more when we started playing this game together almost everyday.

Well, I don't know. I certainly don't see the need to be judged because of a game, but attempts to play solo more often have been met with more comments of my other personality traits.

Sigh.

I guess it is my nature to do things by myself. I am a single child, growing up, I learnt to be by myself and do things on my own all the time, and even when I needed help, I sometimes find that I have no one to turn to.

Although my personality has become less "hermituous" (note: no such word arh, haha) throughout the years, thanks to my Pinkies, I still find myself yearning to just be alone and do things on my own a lot of the time.

Yet, at the same time, that fear of being really alone, sometimes forces me to rely on others even when I don't want to. So in itself, I guess it is a paradox. And somehow, this real life personality trait sort of translates itself into the game, and I find myself unable to enjoy it as much as when I just started playing it, because I have to fight the need to play solo and the want play with my friends.

But all in all, it is just a game to me, I may play it seriously now (see the paradox between play and serious?), but I don't really think that it is something for the long run for me. Simply because I can never be myself in an online game like that where there are just too much interactions with other people.

I still rather prefer my trusty old blog, which I have neglected for a while. And blogging this entry now, I feel like I am finally in a comfortable zone for the first time since the past couple of days. No stress, no frustrations. This is one hobby that I can never give up, because it's the only hobby in the world where I can really be myself.

What Does Love Means To You?

I was reading a couple of blogs that I frequent regularly and this one line from a particular blog caught my eye.

"What does love means to you?"

Well... Let's see if I can do this rationally without the need to be uncontrollably emo.

To me, love used to be something beautiful. The thing that I yearn for and always believed that will eventually happen, that forever seems out of reach, yet easily attainable if I continued to be patient.

Something that will make me happy when I eventually find it.

I don't really believe that anymore, I feel.

Love can be the easiest thing to attain, but the most difficult task to master. You can love and/or be loved and still be unhappy.

Recently I have a friend who tried to kill herself because her boyfriend passed away. She did not succeed, fortunately. But however mean it may sound, I think that it is the stupidest thing to do in the name of love. If you love someone, the last thing you would do is to harm yourself. Because to be in love is a precious thing, if you cannot even treasure this easy, yet difficult state that we all somehow find ourselves miraculously in, despite how inept or unworthy we may be, then you don't deserve it. At all.

Love, to me now, is simply the ability to live your life the best way you know how, be happy and search for the little moments where your love is justified. Where seeing any form of happiness from the person you love becomes a peaceful wave of contentment that washes over you.

So am I in love now?

I guess the answer would be a no.

Greetings From United Square

I actually dragged myself away from gaming for the day to exude some actual usefulness by doing a full day shift at United Square for the High School Musical roadshow.

I am one tough person if I do say so myself. Came home at 8 am in the morning after breakfast with the PS, HJ and her diver friends. They are a fun bunch of people who calls themselves the Daredoers. Hehheh.

Anyway, I came home and instead of sleeping, I gamed for two hours before getting ready for work. I am incorrigible, aren't I?

Sigh, so sad. My game character, Xiya, lost her boots because SOME FARKING CRAZY MURDERER DECIDED TO PK HER!!! SIGH, so sad! Not only did my char, which I will now address in the first person, died, I lost my boots! BOOHOOHOO! Although it is just a game, but I still had to spend a certain amount of effort to actually have a pair of rather good boots in the game. Now I am like running around in socks loh. Bleh! Sigh, anyway I am just rambling lar. I think only gamers will understand what I am saying bah.

My boots~~~

Sitting here at United Square watching kids shooting hoops for some hoop-shooting competition here, I made an observation about myself. When it is really noisy, I tend to think less and have fewer wayward thoughts. Maybe it is because all my remaining energy is devoted to keeping myself from screaming out in frustration against the noise. I really hate noise.

Which is an interesting irony because I am rather noisy. Hiak hiak.

Sian.

Almost six more hours to go, and I am bored to tears. I wish I can play WOKf lar! -_-