Guilt

Self-preservation over consideration.

This idea came to me last night after something that could be severe or not depending on the results happen in the past couple of days.

It really feels so helpless to have something happen in a foreign land and you are not even sure how to go about handling it.

And for one of the few times in my life, I really feel like I am the worst sort of scum for just considering my own safety first, and disregarding someone else's feelings when rightfully, she should be scared shitless right now. I am not trying to act like a saint, but seeing her cry right in front of me, it was enough to bury any feelings of dislike I have for her, and invoke a deep sense of sympathy.

I feel so guilty. I could not face her. But most importantly, I feel a sense of trepidation for her. What is going to happen to her if this thing comes back with negative results? What is she going to do for the rest of her life?


I pray that it will all turn out to be a false alarm. However, the selfishness in me is also scared of what might happen to me, if it is not a false alarm. I just can't help but worry and I can't even bring myself to look her in the eye as I automatically, yet with a sense of unwilling consciousness, avoid her.

Self-preservation over consideration.

Sometimes humans are just all selfish.

"When it comes down to it, the need to survive on the backs of others is the basic nature of instinct. And when that happens, will you still be able to look into the mirror and tell yourself that you are not selfish?" - Hensen Moer

In U.S.A.

Greetings from the US!!! Muahaahah!

Sitting in the lobby of my hotel now using their free access. Kekekeke. Just want to drop in a short entry. The trip from Singapore here was not as bad as I thought. But I felt really out of it when I reached Oklahoma, and I kept vomitting during dinnertime. Probably jetlag. *shrugs*

The weather is so damn cold here! Really make me miss the warmth of home. I am beginning to miss home and my Pinkies and my girlfriends!

Sigh, hopefully the coldness will not eventually deter my excitement to be here in the country that I have always wanted travel to. Lessons starts officially on Monday. Hopefully, the lessons will be interesting and fun! =D

Give Me That Speck Of Stardust I Badly Need

If a new possible opportunity at happiness presents itself to you, would you take it? Or would you continue to wait for that seemingly fading glimmer of a chance that you will eventually be happy if you stay where you are?

I am ready to take a chance. I really am. It's just about mustering up the strength to take the first step.

Sometimes giving up takes more courage than holding on.

PS: I got Stardusted today. It's simply magical.

Flight

As I will be going to US soon, without my laptop most probably because I am afraid that my extensive porn collection may not pass through the stringent custom-checks, I will probably not be able to blog for a while. Not that it will make a difference on this blog anyway.

Maybe it's a good thing to take a break from the embarrassment that is my life. The life of a girl pining after a guy who seems to like her but still just wants to be friends. Ugh, that sounds so sad! But I guess it is true.

I am sure that most people nowadays still believe in signs. Somehow,and the signs I keep getting is probably one of the reasons that keeps me hopeful that I am going in the right direction. By right direction, I don't neccessary mean eventually getting any kind of answer from him, but rather that I am going the right direction to eventually finding what I am really looking for.

Which at this point seems kinda blurry and uncertain. I used to be someone who think about getting married, having kids and just living a happy, ordinary life. But in recent years, I am starting to realise that I don't really believe in marriages anymore.

What is marriage anyway? A way for two people to show off to the world that they are daring enough to swear off other relationships and just be devoted to the same person for the rest of their lives? A way to consolidate their finances together so that in the event if one of them goes broke, there will still be support from the other? Or a way to ensure that they fit into a world where every other person is also getting married just because it seem like the right thing to do in our society?

I am not against marriage. I well up at the sight of a dear friend wearing a beautiful gown and entrusting the rest of her life to a man who truly wants to be there for her.

I am just saying that maybe marriage is not for me. I've seen too many broken marriages in my family to have much faith that I will eventually find someone who is willing to devote himself to me as much as I am willing to him. And I also do not want to be with someone who devotes himself to me more than I am prepared to for him.

I guess it all boils down to finding happiness in the places that you can, and not counting on an absolute eventuality. There is no such thing as forever even when it's promised. The only sure thing in this world that never changes, is change itself. If as a person, you do not have the basic ability to make yourself happy, then how can you even contemplate making someone else happy?

I guess there are just too many things that troubles me nowadays. They seem to flight from one idea to another and sometimes I really feel like I can no longer control them anymore. Although I do feel much better "puking" them out like some unwanted garbage the way I just did. Ahhhh, that's what a blog is for. Perhaps this is just a part of life that has puzzled people throughout the ages, and before I know it, I will be entering another phase of my life and realised that this is just some trivial shit compared to what I may be dealing with very soon. And although I don't like it anymore than the next person, but I refused to be fazed. I simply flatout refuse.

If this is what growing up entails, please, bring me back to my childhood.

"Love has no boundaries or restrictions, only rules set by humans who think they know love." - Hensen Moer

Tittle Tittle! Muahahaaah.

I was reading XiaXue's blog today, because Jasu asked me to. There's apparently an entry about Macau, and Macau is like me and Jasu's si-pia-sure place. Muahahaha. And to be perfectly honest, she really does have an engaging way of writing. How she choose to behave and live her life is really her choice. I don't get why people hate her so much, but still choose to go to her blog, spend time reading it, then think of devious ways to cho her.

Anyway, I was clicking around her blog, when I decided to check out her earlier entries in 2003 to see how different she was back then and now.

And I think I may have developed some real respect for her. Judging from what I read, she seemed to be in a situation somewhat similar to mine right now. I am not saying that it's entirely the same, and I am like ready to jump onto her bandwagon, and declare her idol of the world. I am just saying that, I think it may be the same from what little I have read, and I admire her guts for daring to pour out her thoughts and feelings a guy in her blog that anyone can see.

Look at me. I don't even dare to right out type his name here. But what to do. There are some people that knows the both of us who knows this blog. Although he told me that he is not really into reading blogs, and he doesn't read mine, Who is to say maybe some si-la-sai-er might eng eng come read, and tell him? Nooooooooooooooo!!!

And I simply flatout refuse to change my blog add just because of this thing. So all I can do is to type it out as ambiguously as possible. And keep my fingers crossed that it stays underwraps.

Coward!

Yeah, I am. But of course it's not like we are anything more than just very good friends. I can probably say that we are a little above being just platonic friends. But we are still just FRIENDS! And he seems very adamant about keeping it that way. Not that I can do anything about it. So I have to respect that.

Oh well... I think most girls probably go through the same things, and laugh as you may that I am experiencing this just now, in my advance age (-_-), I take such things very seriously, ok? And I don't like to rush into anything, this is probably the first time I am actually doing something about it.

And I can safely say, nothing I have heard or read ever prepared me for this. It is so much like how everyone says it is, but the feelings that is invoked can never be explained or deciphered in words, because you can only truly know how it feels when you experienced it.

I kinda keep thinking back to this conversation I had with him a couple of weeks back. We were arguing about something that I was unhappy about. I think it had something to do with him not accompanying me to go get something, opting to go home instead. Something about it just keeps nagging at me, but I couldn't figure it out. Maybe someone can help me. It went something like that:

Me: It's not about whether you go or not. I want you to want to go with me. Not I say go with me, then you go with me. Or even, someone else is going then you go.
Him: Then next time I will go if I want to go loh, even if no one else is going loh.
Me: That's not the point!
Him: Then what's the point?
Me: You don't get the point? I must say it out?
Him: If you don't say how I know?
Me: Then there's no point already! Since you just don't get it!
Him: Huh? Then you say it out lar. Since we are talking about it now. You don't say how I know?
Me: But you don't get it, how I say it? Somethings cannot say one!
Him: Eh, not say like we are quarrelling or anything here, you know. If you have something you want to say, then just say it!
---Conversation went back and forth around this say-don't-say subject---
Me: Okay, if you want, I will be honest with you. There are certain things that I cannot say because of the nature of our relationship. It's very ambiguous.
Him: Ambiguous meh?
Me: Not ambiguous? Then if we are just friends, we won't be having this conversation/argument in the first place!
Him: *silence for a moment* Why? Friends cannot talk on the phone like that arh?

-_-

A bit childish, I know. And granted, I was quite unreasonable and really vague about what I was unhappy about. But I can't really come right out and say exactly how I feel right? But after this conversation, I realised that I have learnt something about guys. They don't get what women are trying to say 90% of the time, even if they say they do. They really need us to S-P-E-L-L it out in BLOCK CAPITAL LETTERS, then they will truly understand. Sigh~~~

Okaaaay, this entry is getting long, and its getting really late. I need to get a quick shower and sleep. Yes yes, I am sick in the mind for showering at this time, but I can't really sleep without getting a shower. Bad habit.

And tomorrow! IT'S TIME TO GET RIGHT DOWN TO WORK! Post-Assignment!

A Strong Urge To Move On, A Stronger Desire to Hold On

I admire people who are able to place their feelings right on the surface and are not afraid to show it to the World. It's kinda like wearing a new dress out that most people would probably think is ugly, but somehow, just wanna fark it because you love it so much.

It may seem surprising that I am saying this, because people who knows me well enough, or BEST enough, should know that I am not one to hide much of anything that comes to mind, and would simply just say, or more aptly, blab it out.

But I think everyone have their own share of things that they just cannot bring themselves to talk about.

I seem to be having a lot of those things these days, and several times any effort to communicate them were either unsuccessful or went around in circles until it ended up nowhere. I am not sure if it's because the people I am trying to talk to are simply incredible conversational whizes and know exactly how to manipulate any conversation to their advantage, or just that I can't really bring myself to continue what I have started time and time again, just simply because I am afraid of finally getting an answer.

What a big bag of contradiction!

Sometimes the realisation that the person who understands me the best is not myself hits me, and although it is not exactly that scary but it certainly is disturbing. To me, the only solace of living in this farked up world is that I can dictate my own life and my own decisions. It's really weird realising that maybe I am the last person who should be making these decisions.

Oh well, much as I would love to continue confusing people with my ramblings, I am beat. Blogging seems to be taking a lot out of me these days. It's not coming as naturally to me as it used to. I think emotionally, I am not that in-tuned yet, it's been an interesting past couple of months, to say the least. Hopefully this phase of my life comes to a conclusion soon so I can move on to the next.

Who 谁

Who are you thinking about
When you listen to that song?
Much as I hope to be the one
I know that I am just not it.
I am not the one who holds the promise of happiness
For you
Maybe it's really time to concede defeat.

听着那首歌时
你在想着谁?
虽然我很希望是我
我清楚明白我不是。
那个握着幸福诺言的人
为你
可能真的是认输的时候了。

Damn RBMs!

Went to East Coast Park to cycle today with Jun, Sze, Tien and Dai and ended up with A RACERBACK MARK!!! Boohoohoo!!!

I actually wanted to tan my arms so that the colours will be more matching, so in a rare occasional kind of bravery, I wore a halter over a sports bra whilst I was at the beach. But but but, I absolutely did not expect to get so chau-ta until the sports bra actually left a mark! Now it will take AGES before it disappears!

DAMN! Not that I would ever wear anything that shows my back, but I simply HATE HATE HATE RACERBACK MARKS! And should the need arises, I can't even wear my off-shoulder tops, because of the ugly ugly mark! BOOHOOHOO!!!

Alright, whining done. Now on to the good stuff! I SIMPLY LURRRRVE CYCLING! I always have so much fun at the beach, especially when I get to cycle. It was tiring because it's been ages since I did any proper exercise (unless you count ogling and stalking cute guys exercise), and my butt's aching like mad! But it's worth it!

I actually miss the tanning days with my PI LI 4some (Jun, Sze, Tien and me) every Sunday without fail. It's nice feeling out in the sun and healthy for a change.

Perhaps after I come back from US, I would try to make it an at least bi-weekly affair. Woopie!

US IN TWO WEEKS! YOOOOOOHAAAAAA!!! So excited, so excited! =D

Update

It's been a while. More than a month! OMG! Sorry to those who have been biting their fingers off for an update. Been busy lar. And who knows, maybe short fingers might become fashionable next year. =P

I lost my wallet/purse/moneyholder/or-whatever-funky-term-people-are-calling-it-nowadays today! Damn! It's the saddest thing that can happen to me, because I have really sentimental stuffs inside. Oh well, like what Mr XDD (real name undisclosed for security reasons) said, "it can't be helped". Ying-mei also said that "good things come after the bad". And Lynna said "haiz." Hahha.

Anyway, I supposed I should update a little my life. Which is damn difficult, and hence the lack of blog posts.

How should I even begin? Guess "life is full of ups-and-downs" is appropriate, despite the sheer corniness and overused nature of this phrase. But then again, such phrases are overused for a reason perhaps.

And for better or worse, I am beginning to see a change in myself. Instead of constantly thinking about the future and living for tomorrow, I am just concentrating on the happiness I can find in each day itself and not think about what comes after.

I do know that such happiness is very additive but fleeting and to lose it someday would mean facing a significant and unpredictable amount of emptiness. But as it is, I cannot do anything more about it. I am already intoxicated.

But, let's be positive, shall we? What is life without extreme experiences that will eventually effect a change in us, making us who we will eventually become? Fear can only succeed in fazing us and crippling our steps. Who is to guarantee that I will be happier even if I choose the other way? There's no such thing as a hundred percent happiness even if it was promised.

Hope against hope, I really just want to be able to look back at this time in the future and have no regrets. And I am starting to think that it is not that impossible after all. Of course today I am happy. =D