A Tale Of Readiness

The past couple of days brought forth a lot of realisations for me.

I always thought that when it's time for me to be in a relationship, I will know, and that I will be really happy and make someone that I really care about happy too. Not trying to say that I am the best catch in the world. But just that I think in relationships, people really just want to be around each other because they feel the happiness of just being together.

And I really thought that Mr Rainbow is someone who can be that person for me. So I took the plunge.

Well, it's just a false alarm, people! I am obviously and very apparently NOT READY YET!

I kinda always knew that I am not someone who is very ready for an actual relationship. There were a couple of times in my life when it could have happened, and I ended up always being the one who back away. I guess there were, and probably still are, just too many things going on inside my head for me to be able to function properly when it comes to being in a relationship.

Thinking back now at this very moment, this whole thing with Mr Rainbow really felt like a weird dream that was really good at first but gone bad really quickly too. I was really happy for a time but there was so much paranoia and fear that it would end really soon, that made me just behave in irrational ways. My emotions went into overdrive and the happiness that I got from being around him was so addictive that it reached a point where I couldn't take control of myself.

And it kinda just shot all the way down to hell from there.

Oh well, so I guess that's the way it is and all there is to it. It's time to take a break from all this relationship stuffs and go back to the crazy girl who shields her heart by simply crushing on every male species available out there. Until I am really ready, like REALLY ready, and not just I-think-I-am-ready ready.

I know that eventually, I have to be.