Some Thoughts
Every single person experiences suffering differently. It may be physical, mental and/or emotion. And it is through our own individual sufferings that we learn and grow. Move closer to the ultimate truth. Enlightenment if you will.
But for some, their sufferings become so unbearable, that they eventually give up. Seek the easy way out.
This thought came to me, while I was watching the video “Ran”, an adaptation of King Lear that my lecturer showed to us in Values and Cultures class.
The pitiable Lord Hidetora, proud and victorious for most of his life, finally suffered in old age from the betrayal of his sons. That kind of deep, bone-searing pain that plagues a person until eventually, he chose to succumb to madness, perhaps as a bid to escape from the anguish and sorrow.
I am not saying exactly that I am suffering. Or even in pain remotely close to what is portrayed in the movie. I just feel like there is no reason for me to even take joy in the simpler pleasures in life anymore.
Sometimes I feel that the only reason that I feel so unhappy is because I am afraid to be happy. Because I am afraid that when the moment would come, that it would be taken away from me sooner or later.
I really wonder at times, have I truly been happy before? I used to think that I was. But reading back on a lot of my past entries, I realized that I have never really felt actual contentment. Not even when I was a child.
The only difference is that before, although I was also not happy in the past, I was not unhappy about it. I was okay with it. Probably because I had hopes that eventually, happiness will come to me. Someday.
But now, it seems like this idea of happiness for me has become exceedingly surreal. I have absolutely no positive hope that it will ever come to me.
I tried thinking back on my life a lot in the past couple of weeks. Trying to think through all the things that I have done. Have I at some point of time done something that makes me undeserving of happiness? Or if I have taken a wrong step somewhere, and ended becoming where I am now.
I have always remembered something my grandmother said to me in the past. That although some things come easy to a lot of people, there are still certain people who have to go through things differently, in more difficult ways, before they can eventually find true happiness.
I hate to think that I am THAT special, but it does seem like it has become sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But who really knows what the future will bring?
But for some, their sufferings become so unbearable, that they eventually give up. Seek the easy way out.
This thought came to me, while I was watching the video “Ran”, an adaptation of King Lear that my lecturer showed to us in Values and Cultures class.
The pitiable Lord Hidetora, proud and victorious for most of his life, finally suffered in old age from the betrayal of his sons. That kind of deep, bone-searing pain that plagues a person until eventually, he chose to succumb to madness, perhaps as a bid to escape from the anguish and sorrow.
I am not saying exactly that I am suffering. Or even in pain remotely close to what is portrayed in the movie. I just feel like there is no reason for me to even take joy in the simpler pleasures in life anymore.
Sometimes I feel that the only reason that I feel so unhappy is because I am afraid to be happy. Because I am afraid that when the moment would come, that it would be taken away from me sooner or later.
I really wonder at times, have I truly been happy before? I used to think that I was. But reading back on a lot of my past entries, I realized that I have never really felt actual contentment. Not even when I was a child.
The only difference is that before, although I was also not happy in the past, I was not unhappy about it. I was okay with it. Probably because I had hopes that eventually, happiness will come to me. Someday.
But now, it seems like this idea of happiness for me has become exceedingly surreal. I have absolutely no positive hope that it will ever come to me.
I tried thinking back on my life a lot in the past couple of weeks. Trying to think through all the things that I have done. Have I at some point of time done something that makes me undeserving of happiness? Or if I have taken a wrong step somewhere, and ended becoming where I am now.
I have always remembered something my grandmother said to me in the past. That although some things come easy to a lot of people, there are still certain people who have to go through things differently, in more difficult ways, before they can eventually find true happiness.
I hate to think that I am THAT special, but it does seem like it has become sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But who really knows what the future will bring?
posted by Keiia at 6:39 PM
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