Laugh All You Want At The Piece Of Shit That Is My Life

Well, I don't even know how to start writing. For the past few days, I've been troubled by the same issue that I was troubled by before. I think maybe I really have some kind of weird fate with this guy. Look back a couple of posts if you want to know who I am talking.

The thing is, I keep having all these mixed feelings about him. I want him to be a friend. I like him, I like him not, I only have a crush on him, oh no, I do like him. It's just very difficult to get a clear grasp on things. And the thing is it's been going on for a while now, this constant alternating of feelings, and it doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon.

It's just so confusing, and it's making me miserable. And now whenever I see him, I get all tensed up, weird, and not knowing what to say. I have this thing that if something makes me miserable or uncomfortable, I will put up all these barriers to protect myself, even if I really like that person.

Life really sucks now, doesn't it?

Lalala!

Ahhh, coming into this blog and seeing all those Chinese words really gives me a headache. I am still better off with English, I think. More used to it. Easier to read.

Anyway, how are you, the rest of the world? I've been busy with work and school for the past week or so. It's been hectic. Realised late last week that my assignment for Psych is due YESTERDAY! Mad rush to finish it.

Anyway, I got myself a new Creative Zen Vision:M. Yeah, I know, I am a spendthrift. I've been thinking about getting a video MP3 player since IPod Vid came out, and almost got the IPod Vid. I love IPods. But well, Creative won me over by winning the million-dollar awsuit against Apple, I hate losers by having more functions in their players. It was emotional when I had to retire my IPod. Sob sob, you will be missed.

Been listening to a lot of Lifehouse. Just yesterday, I repeated their entire "Lifehouse" album at least five times. I like how a lot of the songs reflects my own thoughts and feelings right now. It's a great album. I did not really pay a lot of attention to it at first, but now I cannot go without listening to it. Ahhh, the joys of music.

And new Koda Kumi song there in the list! I like her voice, but she seems kind of slutty. She would fare so much better with an edgy, non-slutty image, I think. Oh well, what do I know. I am nobody.

The next few days is gonna be busy. I got events lining up and tons of assignments to complete. Wish me luck! -_-

PS: If another person imitates the Indian girl in the Richard Gere Visa advertisement again, I am going to scream! IT'S GETTING OLD, PEOPLE!!!

好像很久没有用华文来 blog 了哦! 总是爱用英文来交谈和写东写西， 自己的华文变得越来越不像话了。 哈哈！

不知道是什么时候开始， 我开始对自己是个亚洲人， 是个华人不再有任何不满， 反而还觉得蛮好的。 想起以前比较小的时候， 老是希望自己是个洋人，就觉得很好笑。

其实人就是人， 不管黑白红黄，还是人。 都会经历生老病死， 都有喜怒哀乐， 也都得吃喝拉撒睡。 肤色，又算什么呢？ 可惜， 不是每个人都明白这个道理， 这个世界才会有这么多因种族不满所发生的事端。

我可要声明， 我也会偏袒自己的同胞， 也有以莫些人的种族来判断他们的时候。 不过大至上， 我还是相信在处事待人的时候， 不管种族是什么都要公平。 不能因为自己的偏见就先下定论。

哈哈！这个话题好像有点太严肃了， 也没有什么特别要讨论的。 只是突然想到就 blog 下来了。 好了，我要做猪去了！ 晚安！ ^_^

My friend, FK, commented today that I never update my blog. Waaaah, got people want to read my blog wor! So happy, so happy! So here I am!

Well, been busy for the past week or so working, meeting up with friends and posting at this anime forum. I never knew how additive posting at a forum can be. The members there are mostly in their teens, and way younger than me, but it's so fun talking to them. And I get to discuss anime with people who are anime nuts.

In fact, I am so hooked on it that I applied for an assistant position to help out the moderators. My main job is to welcome newcomers to the forum. It's kinda tedious but fun. They even have credits for people who have done their job well. Hehheh. It's also a good way of spending my time online. There are just so many times that I can surf www.bored.com, you know.

I am in a good mood today. Went to The Balcony with my Pink Army to celebrate CY's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JIA LIAO BEE!!! And we had fun! It's just so nice to be out with the group. I tested everybody's cocktails although I hate to drink, and they actually tasted pretty good, except for FK's which tasted weird and Wyn's, which tasted salty. I ordered a nice peachy mocktail for myself, named Virgin Peach Margarita. Keke. We gave it a Chinese name, mi tao chu nu. Muahaha. Obscene.

Well, all in all, just a simple, yet awesome chilling out session with my oldest and bestest friends. <3 Keke. So mushy! But it's a fact that I love my Pink Army lar! Heehee. They are the ones who stood by me all these years, making me laugh, crying with me, and understand me so well, that I can trust them regardless. They are simply irreplaceable. Hmmm, I think I'm drunk already. Muahahaaha.

And it also seems like my decision to retain my current lifestyle have yielded some insights about me, to me, which is a really good thing. I guess I am really not mature (the horror!!! I am actually admitting that I am childish!!! Buy 4D, Toto, Big Sweep!!!!) enough to be involved in a relationship right now. I accept that, and I am glad that I am able to see it before I make any mistakes and end up hurting people.

I think I am still a loser looking for perfect love and fairytales. Any relationship that I embark on right now, will only be destroyed in a matter of moments because it will be picked to death by me. I know I have this problem, but I can't seem to shake it, so I have to learn to overcome it before I can be ready for a relationship.

A relationship takes a lot of hard work, commitment and sacrifice. I am pretty sure that I won't be able to deliver, so until I can sort that out, it's resident of Singleville for me. I don't want to stay here forever, but I kinda like it here for now, so I am staying put. And the thing is, I am feeling really alright about it, so it's really okay.

Phew! This is a long post. Keke. Wouldn't count on a following post anytime soon. Hope you suckers out there enjoyed this one. =P

Birthday, Birthday

Happy Birthday, My Sunny Little Island!!!

And...

And...

TO ONE OF THE BEST ACTOR, COMEDIAN, ARTIST IN THE WORLD,

ERIC BANA!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

^_________________^

A Maple Tree

I am pleased to inform all and sundry that I have decided to retain my current lifestyle and not mess it up. Coward? I guess I am. But who isn't from time to time? I am not giving any excuses for my cowardice, just that, why throw a stone into a pond that is clear? Besides, I am not 100% sure whether I will even make an impression in his pond. I might end up just messing up my own pond, without barely a ripple in his.

I don't really think that I need to give anyone an explanation. But I am still blogging about it. Just for the heck of it.

Actually, the decision was not difficult to make. I am one of those losers who believes that answers comes to you in various forms. And for this particular dilemma, it came in the form of a dream. Muahahahhaa. Hear me out. Actually, it's not the first time that dreams have helped me made sound decisions. So I have a lot of faith in my dreams.

So in the dream, I was walking with this guy, who I cannot really see clearly or maybe just cannot remember (you know how dreams are), but I knew that I was really, really in love with him. Then the dream kinda contorted, meshing here and there. Suddenly I could hear myself telling him that I want a maple tree, and he said, and I remember this distinctly, "If that is what you want, then I will grow you one."

Then PONG! A maple tree with these really beautiful, vibrant red leaves grew in front of us. At that moment, I could actually feel my dream self moved to tears, the burning eyes and the tears trickling down the face. It just felt so real.

The dream kinda meshed again into other dreams, but when I woke up, I could remember this part so vividly. I also felt this crawling, burning sensation spreading throughout my entire being. And this thought kept running through my head, "You can only feel this way if you are truly in love."

Although I don't really consider myself to have been truly in love before, I believe that what I felt in my dream was genuine. And if that is a trace of what true love feels like, what I feel now cannot even be compared to it. Whatever I do now would be wrong, because obviously he is not the one.

And hence, a decision was made. And I shall continue to wait. All I need now is a guy who can grow me my maple tree.

We'll Never Know

Everyone look! New link to a blog! Please welcome AMANDA!!! She happens to be the girlfriend of one of the most irritating person I know, the LAO BENG, whose link is now updated to his new blog. Dude changes his blog add like a girl changes her lip gloss brand leh. Quite irritating hor. But Amanda is nice and friendly, so please be nice to her.

Sigh, I am talking like someone actually reads my blog, but I know there are almost none. So who am I really talking to? Go figure. Muahaahahah!!!

Anyway, new song. This song reflects my current thoughts about someone. Yes, I am having such problems again. When will I be totally rid of such feelings and troubles? It's getting irritating and mundane. I wish I can be like Naraku, eject his heart out of his body or something to get rid of the emotions that are crippling to him.

Well, this song is kinda like something that the very gao cheong part of me is telling the very humchee part of me (crude way to put it, but it's like the most apt way I can describe). And also kinda like the song I want the source of my troubles to listen to, understand how I feel, and give me an answer.

To be honest, I am frightened by the possible consequences that my decision can lead to. My life now, although is still not what I expect it to be, has kinda reached a semblance of what I want. I am happy with it the way it is now. Just one tiny change, and everything may be tilted again. I don't think I want that. But I want to try. But I am still scared. It's back and forth, back and forth. I seriously don't know what to do.

Don't bother giving me advice. I've heard it all, and I am still struggling. It's just something that I have to work out for myself. I just wish it can be easier.

The Troubles Of Thinking Too Much

Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
oh .
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
see?
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
complicated
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
i think as we grow up hor
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
having a crush
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
liking someone
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
and actually trying to love some
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
becomes more difficult
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
because now we have better ability to think
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
back in sec sch
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
i can crush on so many guys, because i don't think about it at all
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
just enjoy the feeling
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
now, every guy that i remotely have a bit of feelings for, i will think it to death
Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
true leh
Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
crazy sec sch days
Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
imagine tt time we so hua chi
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
i am still hua chi now
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
but am a more serious one
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
haha
Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
maybe hor
Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
though no of crushed reduced liao
Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
but the extent still around the same
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
yeah loh
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
but the moment we want to seriously go into something
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
worry
Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
but wat if u miss the chance,,,,
Junie C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me..oh..cookie cookie Cookie starts with C. says:
then will regret
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
i know
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
that's why i am troubled
[Keiia] Shinobi... Romeo & Juliet, Ninja-style says:
because either way, i think i will still have regrets

PS: Was at chalet with classmates for the past two days, it was fun.