...

I wasn't exactly sure how to put into words my feelings regarding Jeremy. I have been thinking about it a lot for the past few days. And I guess the best way is to face it head-on.

And be thoroughly honest.

I guess I still have feelings for him. Feelings that I thought I had buried a long time ago, along with the easy friendship we used to share.

I am stupid like that sometimes. When I like a guy, and I know it couldn't go anywhere, the only way I know of getting over that person is to shut him out of my life. Pretend he doesn't exist. Until the feelings go away. It was easy to do that for some guys, a little harder for some of what I would label "the really good ones". But the end result would always be the same. The feelings eventually go away, but deep down I know that I will always remember them.

Each and everyone of them.

Jeremy is no exception.

And it is so difficult to even be okay when this guy who once had a special place in my life, is now lying in the hospital in casts and bandages and I can't even find the fucking courage to see him.

I kept telling myself that he will be alright. And that to see him would be to make things even more serious than it is. But days passed and with no sign of him waking up. What happens now?

I can't even bear to think about putting into words my greatest fear. It just cannot be like that. It is so fucking unfair. He is only 27. How can it be?

Fuck all hit-and-runners. You don't deserve to be humans.

I am so angry with myself. My inability to even be there for him. What's the point of trying to portray a strong and tough exterior day in and out, when inside I am nothing but a spineless piece of shit coward?

It just cannot be like that. I can't take it. Please change for the better. Whatever it takes. Please.