Vexation

I actually have an uber awesome Donnie Yen entry to post, but have to put that on hold now because I am really vexed about some stuffs at work and NEED to just let it out somewhere.

My office used to be a place where the whole team is a closely-knitted bunch of friends, who looks out for each other and have a lot of fun together.

But I think as time reveals more about one another, the flaws start coming out and slowly begin to bite at you. That's when you will truly be able to see the true colours of the people around you.

There has been some major changes in my department recently, and I have to admit, it's pretty rough for me to go through these transitions. I am not someone who deals well with changes, and although outwardly I seem to be going through the motions and handling it normally, I am rather worried, maybe even a little terrified, how these changes would affect me in the long run. Yet, I am so comfortable in my current environment that I really want to wait it out and see how things turn out before I make any major decisions for a change.

So it really does not help matters when someone whom I used to think is an ally and a friend, whom I thought I can trust a lot, may turn out to be a person who is not only not very honest, she may also be doing a lot of sneaky little actions behind everyone's backs. Although it seems like she is not being very smart about it because everyone seems to know it.

I don't know what is more disappointing, that the wonderful place I thought I had is a sham, or that someone whom I used to have a lot of respect for, whom I consider one of my role models in life, may actually be someone so not trustworthy and someone whom I may have to be really cautious of in the future.

And with all these changes, I really feel like I am fighting all by myself in a war, without an ally, and not knowing who is truly on my side. It is really a very lonely feeling. I am usually pretty logical and good at making decisions, but there are still times when a piece of advise is more than welcomed.

But who to trust now?

I hate playing all these political games. I know that sometimes you cannot avoid being a little fake in order to manage people's, especially the superiors, perception of you. However, I feel that I have managed to be as truthful and honest as I can, and not get involved in anything that I think will betray my principles. I know it sounds cliche, but I am still pretty old-school in a lot of ways. I value traits like honour, dignity and loyalty, and I try my best to realise them in the way I live my life.

When it comes to work, I just want to be myself, do my job well, get paid at the end of each month, and enjoy myself whenever I can, be it at or outside of work. But I am not the kind who can hide my true feelings well, and I think it's really starting to show how much this has affected me, even though I still try to be my usual jolly self at work.

I really hope that I am wrong about her, that what everyone else is saying is just a misunderstanding. But with so many similar accounts of the different things happening, all revolving around her, it is simply too much of a coincidence.

I really feel like asking her, "Is power really so important to you that you would betray all of these comrades who were there for you?" Yes, sometimes I really feel like we are all comrades, again, cliche as it may sound. Our line of work is not that easy; a lot of late, sleepless nights and stressful deadlines. If not for each others support throughout the year, we would probably have thrown in the towel a long time ago.

Sigh, it used to be so wonderful. Now it just seems like a mockery of what used to be. I really just cannot help but lament, why does nothing good last forever?

How depressing.

And what's more depressing is that I have to put my uber awesome Donnie Yen post on hold to write this! DAMMIT! I HATE OFFICE POLITICS!