Loneliness

Found this writeup about loneliness in Wikipedia. Although I think that it's quite funny someone actually bothers to do a writeup about something so common, Wiki IS an encyclopedia after all, it has to have everything.

And the short writeup seems to be rather on target. The person who write this obvious knows what he/she is talking about.

"Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation."

Been feeling down for a while now. One of my classmates commented that I seemed to be getting lazy when it comes to schoolwork. One of my friends said that I seemed to be less colourful than I used to be. Another friend said that I am more reluctant to "go out and play" nowadays. What's wrong with me?

Loneliness?

"Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected, and/or alienated from other people, so that it feels difficult or even impossible to have any form of meaningful human contact. Lonely people often feel empty or hollow inside."

I am not someone who likes to complain that I feel lonely or whatever. I am blessed with many friends, and will probably make more as I go on in life, and I am glad for that. But sometimes when everyone else is doing their stuffs, I realise that I tend to build my life around what other people does. That I have never really done something that I really want to do, that comes from within.

People study, I study. People play, I play. People watch movies, I watch movies. People sing, I sing. All the things that I did and am doing, how much of it is really what I want?

"People can experience loneliness for many reasons."

"All kinds of life events seem to be related to loneliness."

Don't get me wrong, I love doing all these stuffs and have tons of fun with my friends. But they are not things that makes me feel that I am doing something for myself. They are just fun things that I do to make myself feel happy. But they are just that. Fun. They are neither meaningful nor memorable. Nothing to mark my thoughts for the rest of my life.

"Paradoxically, loneliness frequently occurs in heavily populated cities; in these cities many people feel utterly alone and cut off, even when surrounded by thousands or even millions of other people."

I just feel so tired.

When I am lonely, I think of you. You are always by my side when I felt lonely. And then one day, I turn around and realised that you are gone. I tried to look for you, but I cannot find you. I don't know when you left. But you are long gone.

A Movie & A Drama

Watched Just My Luck today. Although it's not one of Lindsay Lohan's best movie, but I am still glad that she had not lost her quality to portray herself as more than just a brainless bimbo. Although not entirely believeable as a Manhanttan career woman type person, you kinda still look at her as a high school student, she still made it work.

And Chris Pine was surprisingly good, he's so belieavable as a dorky loser and extremely attractive as a knight in shining armour. Keke. Good movie if you have some dollars to spare and want to kill time with a romantic feel-good movie.

Ahha, watching Miss Kim's Million Dollar Quest starring Ji Jin Hee. Oh, he's so dashing!!! Haha. Somehow he reminds me of Hyun Bin and the Miss Kim reminds me Kim Sam Soon. And it's kinda done in the same tone and style as Kim Sam Soon. Keke. So far, it's quite nice. And I really hope she's aiming to make 1 million USD, because I think 1 million KRW is only like $1000 over dollars?

The Right To Choose

The choice to choose. Sometimes I think that is only what life is about, decisions after decisions of choice. It's so tiring sometimes. I wish I can have an easier, simpler life; having the right to choose, but not having to face the consequence of a wrong choice.

Much like the early ancestors. They hunt, they ate, they slept; only knowing to survive. It's simple, it's boring, but it's not complicated. There are no difficult choices like what career, whether or not to marry this guy, whether I should start saving money, whether the people around are plotting to kill me, etc, etc. I wish I could live a simpler life without such mundane decisions that cease to have any form of meaning whatsoever after I die.

Fat hope.

A million years from now, people will still have the same dilemma. To choose or not to choose. One of the curses of being a human. Sometimes I don't know why anyone bothers at all.

But maybe it should be made clear that we are the ones who CHOSE to shape our Society in such a manner. And we are the ones who are paying the price. An interesting irony, ain't it? We chose to live in a World dictated by choice, and we are now suffering the consequences of having to face these decisions of choice.

Well, that sucks.

Me & My Dae Jang Geum

A couple of months ago, a few friends of mine were watching Dae Jang Geum. I scoffed at them and called them "aunties". Being a Korean drama aficionado (new word alert!!!) myself, I have heard of this series since it came out in 2003, but I hate seemingly long and draggy stories, set in a seemingly boring era. For heaven’s sake, it’s 71 episodes long! So I tried to refrain from it.

Up until a few weeks ago, when one of my male friends told me that he actually completed the series in one week. HUH? If this male friend, who previously made incessant fun of my penchant for effeminate Korean guys and my soft spot for Rain, could down this series, in what can only be referred to as one sitting in the drama watching culture, then I MUST watch it.

So I succumbed and decided to see what the fuss is all about.

And I love it. Love it right up to the weird, snake-like manner which they wrapped their long, heavy hair around their heads, making them look ridiculously Buddha-like from many angles.

Ahhh, how I love it.

And it’s not because it has the very, very hunky and manly Ji Jin Hee as a love interest. In fact, he’s one of the last few reasons. The main reason that moves me is the bond of sisterhood, the strength and integrity of women in an era where everything would have been difficult for them, right up to the weird, snake-like manner which they wrapped their long, heavy hair around their heads, making them look ridiculously Buddha-like from many angles. Talk about Genderism!

I like how no matter what happens, Jang Geum always brings it. I always find myself tearing up a little whenever she manages to overcome the 124352945934 bad things that always seems to happen to her. And weirdly, instead of being irritated that the story seems to never end happily for her, I find myself looking forward to the next obstacle because I like how her face lights up when she overcomes it. She's such an inspiration.

And it’s definitely neither long nor draggy. It is in fact interesting, engaging, and I actually find myself learning a lot about ancient Korean imperial cuisine, a little about the imperial rankings, and a lot about the food we put on our tables everyday.

And I actually now consider the era to be much more interesting than ours today. No TV, no radio, no internet, so people not only have a lot more time to back-stab, be vindictive, but also appreciate the many things in life, like putting a piece of grass in your mouth and chewing it until all the juices comes out, and that’s where it gets really interesting.

Now I find myself wishing that my hair is long enough for me to tie it in the weird, snake-like manner which they wrapped their long, heavy hair around their heads, making them look ridiculously Buddha-like from many angles.

"To fool and to be fooled are the reasons we live."

If ever a movie is going to be made about my life, I want it to be called "The Fool". But of course, it has to ultimately end with a storyline of how smart, intelligent, clever, wise I really am. One of those inspirational kind of movies that will trick people into believing that they can do better than what they are doing, and that it's actually easy.

But it is really not.

Striving for success is not easy. Although for some people, it comes easy, for most, it's like trying to make an egg stand. Try it, it's next to impossible. But then, for people who fails, why don't they get any credit at all? Why are people who succeeds, the only ones who gets all the glory? Are you trying to say that only people who succeeds are great people? What about the people who tries and tries and tries somemore, but fails all the same, not as strong, as hardworking, or as applaudable?

That's why we are all fools. Because our world makes us fools.

BEWARE!!! Don't read if you are not into teeny booper, korean pop-crazy shit!

I had a pretty interesting dream last night. It's a Shinhwa dream, specifically a Wannie and Jinne dream (don't ask me why fans always likes to call their male idols by embarrassing, sissy nicknames. I have no idea. I just go with the flow). Been quite a while since I dreamt of the boys. Haha.

So in my dream, I was at this place, not sure where, and the boys were there. So I saw them, and really wanted to talk to Wannie, because he's my absolute favourite from Shinhwa. But somehow, I ended up talking to Jinnie, who seemed quite aloof and uninterested. So I ended the conversation and walked away. In case, anyone is interested, in my dream, I talked to him in English, and he replied in slow, curt English, which is kind of how I imagined he would, so maybe it's projected in my dream, or something.

Anyway, after I walked back to my friends, someone from his crew came over with a note from him, apologising if he offended me. WOOOOO!!! Haha, after that, we kinda kept up with an email correspondence.

So as dreams does, time fast forward, and one day, when I got home. My parents told me that someone bought an old phone of mine lying around the house for a large amount of money. And just as I was wondering who the nut is, Jinnie came up to me, holding my old phone with a fantastic smile on his face, and asked me to be his girlfriend. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

End of dream.

Awwwww.... I know it's kinda weird. But dreams are hard to describe. It's quite a nice dream, eh? But weird, I like Wannie more, even though there was a period of time when I was nuts for Jinnie. Guess the feeling still lingers. Keke.

A Thought

Epiphany.

I really, really, REALLY hate mobile phones with MP3 functions. Or rather, I really, really, REALLY hate mobile phones with MP3 functions owners who plays their MP3s in the public with no care for the other people around them who may not be interested that they not only have ALL the latest songs from the Rick Dees Top 40, they can sing (very loudly) and dance to them as well!

What's wrong with these people?

OK, so you have a magnificent phone which has 10 billion speakers and 10 trillion gigabytes of space for all the useless gumbo mumbo you store inside; but do I look like I give a tiny rat's ass? Do I?

I once saw a girl, probably in her late teens, holding a blaring MP3 phone in her hand, and swaying to the music whilst walking, like she was catwalking or in a movie or something.

Are you crazy? This is not the auditions for America's Next Top Model; nobody even cares if you walk like a zebra or a panda. People are busy squeezing their way through the evening peak crush, fighting life and death to get home. And you, with your stupid noisy phone, just serves to jangle everybody else's already frazzled nerves due to the fear of not being able to grab a seat on the MRT for the next 45 minutes ride home. Spare a thought for the poor people, will you? Dumb bitch.

And just now, I don't know what the bunch of kids on the MRT was trying to do, but I do believe that they were sent by someone to murder me. I do not see why anyone would want to dance and sing on a MRT carriage, if they do not have murderous intentions of scaring the other people in the same vehicle to death with their horrendous dance moves and mind-numbingly horrible voice.

Good thing I managed to escape before any permenent harm can be done to me. But I did realise this epiphany. I hate phones with MP3 functions.

It's June! The year's half gone and I don't really feel like I have done anything constructive except waste oxygen and money.

I did watch X Men 3 last Saturday though. It was good, not as good as the first, but I liked it. Hugh Jackman is GREAT!!! Of course he has to be, considering that he's one of the top five actors who is on my never-get-sick-of list. Ha, first is Eric Bana, Christian Bale, Viggo and him as a fourth.

I shall not go into how I can watch them portray any kinds of character and still love them. Everyone knows.

Boring.

Something pretty interesting happened today. We got our results back; I got a D and was quite satisfied that I passed. Two other classmates, who got a B and a C respectively, seemed to be rather affected by their grades. I ended up trying to cheer both of them up.

It's weird. Am I strange for not feeling sad at all that I got a D? I passed, so that's fine with me. I did felt a little disappointed that I got a D, but after that, nothing much. Should I be aiming for higher grades?

Nah. Higher grades are for people who respect their studying. Me, I am just glad that I can pass. Of course if I can get an A, I will be happy. But good grades don't really make me exceptionally high or estatic for days, so I don't really work for it.

Hmmm, looking at the two books that I got from the MPH warehouse sales on Saturday. They are only $5 each, down from whatever high price they used to be. Quite happy with the purchase. Will start reading once I finished the books that I am reading. In case anyone is wondering why I seemed to be stuck on Frankl's book, I'm actually reading Da Vinci's Code and Euripides Selected Works at the moment as well, so a bit slow. =]