Yes, I Would Love Presents. And Cupcakes.

Ever felt so fucked up that you feel like everything you do is shit?

Or so positive that anything you touch turns into metaphorical pure gold?

Days like that come and go for me; I can feel so neurotic and inept that I just want to hide in a cave and die, hopefully of natural causes like unhealthy bowel movements due to eating rocks, or so happy and confident that I feel like the most popular person in the whole wide world, and that every single handsome dude wants to hold my hand and braid my hair.

Is this normal?

I cannot never truly decide if it is.

At my age, it's like being the senior citizen version of a tempestuous teenager so full of angst, yet not entirely sure exactly what to be pissed off about, hence the bounce back and forth between two extremes of the human emotion, happy, angry, angry, happy.

As a teenager, I always figured that I would outgrow this when I become an adult. That I will be a happy grown-up. Imagine my confusion and subsequent horror when I realised, now that I am an adult, that I was actually happier as an ignorant, dumb shit of a kid who don't know what the fuck she was doing.

See even though I didn't know much back then, although I certainly thought I did, it was actually a good thing. Being stupid certainly had its perks. At least I don't suffer from the bouts of upsetting moments brought on by the fucking wisdom of unwanted knowledge.

And I don't even have the luxury of not knowing what I am pissed off about now, because I know exactly what the hell it is.

I have so many things to complain about and I cannot even be like that stupid dumbshit kid and console myself by thinking, "Hey, all this will never happen again when you grow up", because argh fuckshit, I AM grown up.

With even more problems and worries.

I can never get my fluctuating weight under control, which not only means that I can never fully move on from the stigma of obesity, and the heart-related health problems that it brings forth, I am also covered with stretch marks that happens mostly on women who had given birth, which brings to mind the other one of my glorious shortcomings. That I am not even close to doing so.

I am terrified of becoming old, looking all wrinkled and withered. Yet I don't think I want to be in this phase of my life for too long, because I feel like I have not accomplished anything. But at the same time, I think I don't want to live too long, because I reckon the best years of my life, namely these couple of years, is going to be over soon.

On top of that, I cannot shake this constant nagging feeling that I can expect to turn into this joyless, bitter, old hag whose hobby is to chase after adorable, albeit annoying, children, shaking her wrinkled and withered fist at them, making a big deal for some inconsequential misdemeanor that she herself used to enjoy doing.

And all these, my friend, are just the dot on the tip of the tiniest peak of the puniest ice-berg.

I paint such a wonderful picture, don't I? Yes, my biggest flaw is that I over-think every single thing that comes into my brain, until my brain cannot help but scream in terror and try its best to claw its way out of my skull in a desperate attempt to get away from me.

Ohhh, what I would give to be an ignorant, dumb shit of a kid who don't know what the fuck she was doing again.

But here's the silver lining (which I found out recently, to my shock, that some of my friends don't know the meaning of); I have more of less accepted the fact that certain things are inevitable, just like certain flaws are a part of me that I can never change.

It is up to me whether I want to sink into a pool of desolation and self-pity, eventually meeting a sad and miserable end. Or I can choose to remind myself that shit happens from time to time, it's normal to fall into this pool now and then, but to remember to just wallow in it and that the shoreline is just so very close.

So there, this is my new thing in 2010. To be positive!

I give myself 3 months max, right about the time when the CNY and birthday buzz to wear off before I go back to angry and bitter bitch again. *smiles*