Feel Canned

I read through some old entries today again. And found myself smiling at a lot of fanciful notions that I had two or three years ago.

Yes, I have officially been blogging long enough to have entries from two or three years ago. It feels good to relive a part of myself from the past. And I am so glad that I started this blog and never gave up on it.

One of the entries that really caught me was the entry I wrote when I had a crush on this guy, and I was wondering if I really liked him or if it was just an infatuation. And whether he is interested in me.

Much as I was frustrated at the time, it was so much better compared to the misery of unrequited feelings that I felt a while ago and still feel from time to time nowadays.

I wonder when I will feel the excitement of a new crush and the thrill of wondering if someone I like looks at me the same way too again. Sometimes such little, insignificant feelings can really make a person feel like there is something to look forward to in their day.

When was the last time I actually felt that waking up is a blessing because my day would just turn out to be beautiful no matter how it goes?

I want back that feeling. So badly.

Now even sleeping has become something I have to make an effort to do. Unless I tire myself out by staying out till really late or working out excessively. There is really no reason for it, just that whenever I try to sleep, so many thoughts assail my mind at the same time, it just becomes really difficult.

I have always known that I am an excessive thinker and I overthink a lot. But I guess this is the first time in my life it has actually caused me to lose sleep. Maybe it’s just that the problems I face now are different.

Grown-up person, grown-up problems.

Sigh... Melancholy is my new best friend.

No matter what I say or pretend to be. I still do. I kept thinking about it on my way home. I can’t say it. But I really, really do. And it’s frustrating me that I can never say it.