What Happens Now?

Sometimes maybe finding out certain things really is not better.

Although as a natural instinct, we just need to have that knowledge. But after having it, we may realise that we are actually better off not knowing.

I think the part of me that have always hoped for things to turn out differently started to die a little when I finally know the answer that I have always wanted to know.

Let's just hope it completes its death and I can finally be at peace.

I am using the word peace a lot recently. Because that is all I want. Some peace in my mind. So I can sleep before the wee hours in the morning, without having nonsensical dreams that constantly jerks me awake.

I have been sleeping even lesser since I heard about Jeremy. I went to see him. Not just standing outside like a stupid coward, but actually saw him. It was a terrible experience. I can't even begin to describe. I think I blacked out a little. I managed to hold out until I got onto the bus after I left the hospital, before I started tearing for my friend.

I don't really know what to say. I don't even want to remember it.

I think I dreamt about him last night. I can't remember, I just remember waking up in the morning with this weird constricted feeling in my chest.

Sometimes you can be surrounded by everyone who cares about you, and just feel like you are alone and drowning. I really feel like hiding somewhere until everything negative disappear. But everyone knows that there is no such thing. Life is never kind enough to offer that kind of reprieve to anyone.