Smile!

Okay, I think I did something stupid again. I tried to push him for an answer today. And of course, I think I only succeeded in pushing him to the wall. And I get no answers at all.

I do believe that I am more suited for liking a person without that person knowing. At least, I wouldn't be so miserable. I think there is something to be learnt from this. Being miserable because that person don't know you like him is different from feeling miserable because you made a person you like miserable. I think making him feel miserable just made me feel even worse.

And hence, I decided to just stop obsessing about it. For my own sake. I know I cannot do it immediately, but I am going to try. I know, I know, I have said it before, whatever shit about closure, yadas and all that crap. But I think I am really going to stick to it this time. I definitely have to do it.

Perhaps it's really just something I have to go through before I really discover what I want out of life. And for now, I think it's more than enough to have my family and friends around me, and to worry about other things (i.e. assignments, going to the U.S., my career, my goal to become the World's first 30-year-old BJN) instead of this.

And although this may seem strange, but I really feel sorry that I put him through all of this. I hope that the day when I can talk about it without attachments will come soon, and I can tell him that and we will make jokes and laugh about how silly the whole thing is.

A Little Bit Of Everything

I am seriously graving for some Kim Gary!!! Keke, that almost sounds wrong, but OMG! I miss the food already! I know that Singapore has Hong Kong cafes (HKC) too, but somehow the ones that I have been to, is sadly lacking, especially in the milk tea department.

Not exactly a milk tea enthusiast, but I KNOW MY GOOD MILK TEA!!! What I would give for an iced milk tea and french toast from Genting's Tung Lo Wan right now! The best that I ever had! My friend told me that their milk tea is decidedly better than some of the milk tea she had tried in HKCs in Hong Kong. Keke, maybe it's a matter of adjusting the taste to suit the target audience.

Maybe I will get to try it out in September, which is when I plan to go to Hong Kong, during the school break. Hopefully I will really get to go this time. It seems like everyone around me are going to Hong Kong, going to Taiwan, and all I get to go is Malaysia. And it is not even that far away from home, just about half an hour away! Yep, I live that near to City Square. I can probably get there in under half an hour, but customs and all takes a bit of time, so about half an hour, 40 minutes at most.

Kekeke, maybe I should make it a weekly trip or something, go there watch movie, eat Kim Gary. And pedicure once a month! Woot! Living like a true blue BJN! I like the idea of that! =D

OH YEAH! Cannot believe I almost forgot to blog about this! Some insensitive dumb dumb came and ask me today why I recover so fast from my "rejection". Arrrgh, the word stings, but that's what the dumb dumb said! Talk about putting your foot in your mouth and swallowing it. So irritating!

Well, of course I am still feeling sad about the whole thing and I am kinda still obsessed about it. But then must act normal mah. If not then what? Cry ah? Bang fist on the wall ah? Siao meh? Moping around is not my style hor. Plus I got my support group, anytime, any place, they ready to listen to me kpkb. So get your blardy idea sorted out, just because a girl is feeling down, doesn't mean that she must look the part hor. I am not blardy Xi Shi hor, think what, keep scrunching the eyebrows, pretty ah?!

Ridiculous loh some people. Just want me to rail at them in my blog like an old hag. Siao kia leh these kind of people. Just waiting for me to kick them into the long gang! There! See? This is how I get over it. Dong le mah? DUMBASS PIECE OF SHIT!!!

PS: Forgive the harshness of the last part of this post, is just that some people really need people to talk to them in an abusive tone, then they will get how much of a pain in the arse they are.

Recollection Of The Brave

For the past few days, I have been hearing this same comment from a lot of my friends, something that I haven't really thought about until today, and I suddenly realised I am extremely amused and tickled by it.

The comment being:
"I think you are really brave! I can never admit to a guy that I like him!"

I know that there are probably tons of girls who would openly tell a guy that she likes him, not like the cowardly manner that I chose, via SMS, but it seems to me that, to my circle of friends, the fact that I even did it was BRAVE!

Good, I do like being brave, even though the results were so drastically saddening. But hey, people get over such things, so let's just talk about the bravery.

But I can just say right now that I will probably, almost confirmed, guaranteed plus chopped, NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN.

The moment I decided to do it, my heart was racing like mad. I was kinda worried that it will just stop on the spot. After that, it took me 15 minutes to compose an SMS that consists of only two short sentences. And after that, half an hour went by deciding whether to send it out.

During that time, I even called up two of my best friends and asked for their opinions, then I asked the friends I was with. Then I took another five or ten minutes to make up my mind. The whole deciding part was decidedly torturing. It was just awful to be in a situation like that. Or so I thought.

After I sent it out, during which my mind was a total blank like only my fingers were operating on their own, the waiting part became the real torture. At that point, even my heart seemed to have stop beating. I couldn't feel anything, my body was numb, my heart was numb, my brain was numb. Everything was just, numb. My friends asked me something, I couldn't even register what it was. That was just how horrible it was.

That said, however, I think all girls should just experience it once in their life, so that they will understand how difficult it is for a guy to put himself out there to possibly be chopped down by a girl. I don't think just because guys seem stronger, they won't experience the same thing.

So my fellow female companions, the next time a guy tells you that he likes you, be kind and let him down gently if you don't return his feelings. It is a nerve-wrecking experience and anyone who dares to do it, deserves kindness in return. It's all about karma. =D

PS: Working towards closure means sharing the experience and talking about it. I think I am doing quite a good job, aren't I? =)

要以平常心来面对事情

Yep, that is what he told me. After the pretty sad last couple of days of moping around, which I am not proud to admit to, I think I can finally see the merit in this.

Since I cannot change anything, I shall just leave things the way they are, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

I don't want to keep fixating on one thing forever. And although I really do care about him a lot, sometimes we cannot expect things to just fall into place.

That's why I should just "以平常心来面对事情", the rest would come along when it comes along. =D

"Acceptance might not be such a bad thing. Because you are no longer going against anything." - Hensen Moer

BJN Day Out In JB!

I went to JB with Dien and her brother today, and got myself a pedicure! Woopie and of course to quote a certain classmate of mine who currently I am calling by a girl's name, NO PICTURE NO TALK! So here's a piccie:



Okay, absolutely no comments on how weird my feet look because, I ALREADY know. And I know the colour seems a little too dark for me, but I DON'T CARE!!! I like it! It actually have gold tips, and I am pretty pleased with the final product. Heehee.

Oh before I went for pedicure, we went for a KTV session and here is a picture of the room they gave us.



Only 3 of us and seems like we got the biggest room in the house! And Dien and her brother left earlier to catch Shrek 3, so I was singing all alone in here! Grand, ain't it?

After that, we also caught Fantastic Four together and had dinner at Kim Garys. Movie was much better than I expected and the food was FANTASTIC! Thumbs up!

Hehheh, so there you have it, my day out in JB! Keke, alright then, I am off to admire my beautiful pedicure... =D

Something For My Girls

[Stop Music]

What Are You Sinking About?

[Stop Music]

Dream

I had a dream that I was back in the old flat I lived in before I moved to the current one. It was a place where I spent the majority of my teenage life in, from age 14 until I was about 19 or 20. A good six years of my memories, and what I would think are the most important years of my life, was created there.

But then I realised that while I was happy to be back in the small room with the single bed in purple bedsheets and a toilet right at the foot of my bed, I miss my big room, queen-sized bed -ugly bed sheets- and CLEAN toilet.

Perhaps my dream is telling me to move on and not dwell on things that are already no longer valid in my life. Because no matter how much I miss the past, it's never coming back. I should just learn to appreciate what is now and maybe the future will come a little sooner and be a lot more better than what is now.

I made a choice, I have to live with it. I don't want to be affected because of it anymore. And I am going to work towards that.

Untitled

Well, I finally did it. I went ahead and told him. And his reply was to "leave things as it is". Although I was hoping everything will still be the same, I realise that it affected me more than I expected it to.

Maybe it will take time, I don't know. I know that he is trying to keep things as it was, but it seems like the nicer he is to me, the sadder I feel. I think it is just a phase that I need to get over.

I think it's seeking closure all over again for me. I have to, because or else maybe even friendship will become impossible.

The Pieces Of My Life

I am amazed at the amount of support I am getting from my friends regarding this "bit of situation" as my dear friend Ash so aptly put it.

I think in terms of friends, I really have no regrets whatsoever in this life. I LUB ALL MY FWENZ DEEP DEEP!!!

Kekekeke, but seriously, it's just so great to know that even though there are pieces of shit in my life determined to see me down, I have the support of these people who I can truly call my family.

And I just have to say that even if this "bit of situation" doesn't work out, I know that my friends will stand by me, and I feel very fortunate and blessed for that.

Like Mima said "虽然我没有生兄弟来保护你， 或给你姐妹来和你分忧，不过你有一群好朋友，是很幸运的。" (Although I have not given you any brothers to look out for you, or any sisters to share your woes, you are lucky to have your friends.)

And I agree. For my friends, I am thankful.

"Friends are the drops of colours bled into the bland drapery that is my life." - Hensen Moer

Ramblings Of The Forlorn

Sigh~~~

One step closer, three steps back. I can almost sense the narrowing gulf opening up again. Arrgh! Why are guys so dense sometimes? Must I really SPELL IT OUT in LUMINIOUS PINK LIGHTSTICKS?

Or maybe deep down I am really afraid that he is really someone else to me. Maybe I am really the one who don't know what I want. AND IT WILL BE HELPFUL IF HE CAN PROVIDE SOME ASSISTANCE! Hmmm, how many darn Ss are there in the word? Grrr!!!

I don't know how it came to this. I seriously don't. It started out innocently enough as a friendship. A very interesting friendship that would probably have remained the way it was until I had to go and turn crazy. I should have known it would turn out this way, considering that it's me! Stupid! Stupid!!!

"More than friends, less than a couple."

I don't even dare to think about it, it is just too wild for my imagination. A solution that is too good to be true. Of course, one cannot forget that I am stupid. That's why I think of stupid solutions like that.

"能做对爱侣堕落成朋友谁心息"

This line from a song kept bugging me. It is just so right. If two people can be together, Who can be happy when it deteriorates into a friendship? But the big question still applies, is it really something? Or just a fanciful notion? But I am so afraid of losing even friendship. Then where does that leave me? I think anyone can guess, Stupidville! Arrgh...

I think I need to sleep. If only sleep can cure stupidity.

"If you think I am joking, why do I spend so much time talking to you? Think about it."

79

As promised, I MUST blog about the place that my classmates, Spencer and Co. brought me to yesterday. Or was it today? I think it was today. Anyway, that place is simply a place that I would have never have thought or imagine or going to if someone never suggested it.

My first thought when stepping into the place was "OMG, I am going to meet my uncle here!"

Second thought, "OMG, all the aunties and uncles are tons times more well-dressed than me!"

Yeah, it is like that kind of place where I think pass-air (过气) Ah Bengs and Ah Lians (ABALs), those that had marry each other and have children of their own already, and like to take a night off on Friday nights to relive and "re-embrace" their ABALness. Okay, I have no idea what I am talking about. But the picture is there, I think.

OMG. Just the memory of it traumatises me. It was not so much the place per se. It was a pleasant place, as places like that go. It wasn't too rowdy to me and it was definitely not crowded, which are plus points. And the live band was actually very good. But the people there... The people...

They look like they should be home packing their kids' schoolbag or asking their children what they want for dinner.

I know, I should not judge anyone by their age, and these people definitely should have a place to have fun and an outlet for their stressful lives or whatever. But the sight of them shaking and dancing to the music.

OMG again.

OMG another time.

OMG.

Hoho, anyway in other news, right before my tramatising experience at the certain number-named place somewhere in the vicinity of Plaza Singapura, Spencer and Co. actually met my Pink Army. I was really skeptical about letting them meet because gawd knows that I've tried with my poly classmates, and it was just so hard to break the two groups in. And I was proven right when once again, my Pink Army's oblivion to their surroundings but each other's company have overwhelmed any attempts of my classmates to infiltrate them. Kekeke, it was actually quite funny to see Spencer, the self-proclaimed FUN GUY try. And also funny to see him fail and give up. =P Once again, Pink Army prevails. Hehheh...

Anger Rears Its Ugly Head

My motives are simple.

I just want to help and have everyone get along even though that intention has not always been clear.

But if someone wants to mess around with me and make use of my trust and good intentions, then all I can is that those people are just plain bloody hell fucked up. They can just eat my shit and fuck off.

KNNB, don't know wtf these fuckers are thinking. Grrrr!!!

Want To See, SEE LAR!!!

My blog is apparently no longer my sacred santity anymore. There are just too many people who knows I have a blog and comes in to snoop on me from time to time.

Although I like to think that I am always awfully honest about myself and my life, there are always certain aspects where I have to be careful of revealing to the wrong people.

That said, I also appreciate my friends who come in from time to time so that they can catch up with my life although we don't meet very often. And those who are concerned enough to keep track of me, even if I may not be doing the same for them.

Why am I blogging about this all of a sudden? It may be my very recent interest in someone I have known for quite a while. Hehheh, and people who know me well will immediately know that, of course Moreen is talking about a guy. What else?

Indeed what else?

And while I have been telling a lot of my friends about this, so much so that even some of my colleagues, who I am not very close with, have heard me and given me great advice.

But I realise that I am just so reluctant to blog about it, because I don't want certain people to read it and blow it way out of proportion.

Well, in the name of appearing mysterious, I shall not go in-depth here. People who should know should already know. Haha! All I will say is that I've known this person for a while now, although this interest in him is extremely sudden. And I think that he's a really, really nice guy (of course lar, who would develop an interest in vermin?), just that I am not sure exactly what this interest is beyond a certain amount of liking for him. Fickly ol' me. We'll just see how it goes. =)

On secondary topics, I have been hanging around a group of guys in my class a lot recently. Suffice to say, I am learning A LOT from them. The subtle differences between guytalk and girltalk never fails to amaze me. The gutter talks that I have been subjected to in polytechnic is in no way in comparison to those of my classmates now. Now these guys, they are in a total different realm altogether. Kekekekeke!!!

Ps: No time to spell or grammar check. I am daaaaamn tired now. Off to dreamland. That is after I removed my nose mud pack. I LUB MASKS DEEP DEEP!!!