I AM A SUPER STAR!!!

And the shades are not even mine. But chio right? I want to get a pair just like this. Should have gotten them from US! Damn! -_________- *super star pout* HAHA!

Update Update!

After two days of gaming, I finally took my precious self out to meet my Pinkies. LOL!

I said "precious" because PS is starting to nag me about not meeting up with them and neglecting them. That makes me very precious because everyone just wants my time!

HAHA! Don't know what I am babbling about lar. Constant gaming seems to have a detrimental effect on my brain.

But WOKF is serious fun! Although I always die and dragging down my classmates during runs, but don't care, I like to play! Keke. Maybe it's the idea of being in an alternate world where I am quite "powerful" to a certain extent bah.

-yawn-

Okay, I am tired. Sorry for the terrible post. Just want to post to eng xiu some people WHO KEEPS COMPLAINING THAT I DON'T BLOG.

HAHA!

Going back to my game now! =P

Last Stint As A Student

Today is officially my last day studying in MDIS, and probably as a student. I am feeling a mixture of different emotions.

Relief that I am finally going to graduate, trepidation and excitement about my future and my career paths, sadness that I am leaving behind an important phase of my life and an amazed disbelief that the past two-and-a-half years have gone by just like that.

Have the past two and a half years really happened? Sometimes I feel like it was just a dream and that I will wake up in the February of 2006 and realised that it is just the first day of class, and I am going to be entering into a phase of my life that will become so memorable to me.

If I had a choice, I would do it all over again, although I may make different choices this time round, I hope. Or maybe not.

Sigh~~~ I am sure this small lingering sense of sadness will pass soon as I enter into a new phase of life. I am all set to go, just waiting for the excitement to catch up. And I guess it is safe to say that I CANNOT WAIT!

Update

Currently hooked on WORLD OF KUNGFU!

BOH ENG BLOG LAR! =P

Been so long since I last played RPG games. SHIOK!

CY left for Europe for her FIRST honeymoon. So envious!!! Have a fun one my dear! =)

Back to game!!! Hur hur!

Bubbling Babbles

Erhm...

I cannot believe that I got so engrossed with playing this online game, World Of Kungfu, that I kinda almost did not feel like blogging. Almost...

A few of my classmates, ALL GUYS, are into this game right now, so thought I will join in the fray. It's actually not bad, but I have difficulty mastering the game because there are so many details to know! Hoho, shall see how long this game can capture my attention.

Went for my yearly rebonding session today, and got a little fringe. Sigh, I kinda feel nincompoopy with this fringe. Serves me right, I kept asking the hairdresser to make it more obvious. From certain angles, it looks okay, but I am not sure. Am I still young enough to pull off a fringe like that?

I know a lot of people have fringey cuts, but I got a CHAU LAO face, know. So I am always worried that I will look act-cute instead of young. What woes I have...

Today I kinda got to thinking about things again. I know, if only I would stop thinking so much, right? My blog will be so much better without my constant whining and complaining how miserable my life is.

Oh well, but at least I find joy in something. While chatting to Mr RB on MSN, I said this to him:

"i am actually smiling as i say this... sometimes i wonder, why i am so amused by you"

I know, ridiculous, right? Kekeke. utterly random and senseless. Hoho, my eternal hobby of making things confusing for him.

Hmmm, actually I was trying to tell him that he's really funny bah, but I always seem to have trouble expressing myself properly to him. It has never been a problem for me to express myself in ANYTHING. But I seem to say the weirdest things to him.

Hmmm... weird. Really weird.

There's Something About Love

Had a nice chat with cousin Jenny over dinner yesterday. We mainly talked about love and relationships, and for the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed talking about this subject without feeling miserable or sad.

It's a nice feeling. I think I am moving along quite nicely. I guess previously I was forcing myself to move on, so that I can stop being sad that things were not working out the way I hoped. But I am more accepting of my feelings as they are now.

Of course, I can't say that I am entirely over Mr RB yet. But at least I am slowly learning not to fret about them anymore. I am not entirely there yet, but such things takes time, so I am not too concerned.

Maybe from time to time, that melancholy why it did not work out would still come to me, but perhaps, we all feel that way from time to time over things that we really want, that matters to us.

So do I still believe in fairy tales, being swept off my feet, and happily ever after? I am not too sure myself. I am seeing a lot of relationships broken for a variety of reasons recently. And although growing up, I have never seen much actual proof of true love, I wasn't a skeptic either.

I believe that true love does exist. But where I stand in the grand scheme of things, I have absolutely no idea. Will I become a lucky woman who eventually finds the love of her life and have the happy ending that she has always wanted? Or will I be the unlucky one who searches her whole life for true love and still ends up short?

Everything is a risk, I guess. Sometimes it is whether you have the guts to take the plunge and whether you can take the results it presents.

For quite a while now, I had been rather resolute in never wanting to get married, although I do talk about how I want my weddings to be and stuffs like that. The reason being that none of the women in my family have happy marriages, and none of the men are entirely faultless husbands. It kinda killed my image of a perfect marriage. I want to be with someone I love, but marriage is something I am not entirely convinced that I need.

However, attending my poly classmate DW's wedding dinner on Saturday, I realised that I do, I do want to get married someday.

It doesn't have to be a grand or damn beautiful wedding, but as long as I can celebrate being with the person that I love, with all my dearest friends around me, it would be the best wedding in the world for me.

So I guess, that's it. I do want to get married. And perhaps, it is realisations like these that makes it easier to be okay with the fact that maybe the person you really like right now, is not the one for you. Because you know that he is not going to be the one standing at the altar saying the two little words that means so much, with you.

Home On A School Day Afternoon

Just got back from school! Ha, think it's the first time since classes started last week that I came home straight from school. Usually will go out or go to Yoniko's place because I am usually going somewhere at night or something.

Keke, but I came home because I'm meeting cousin Jenny tonight at Causeway Point lar. But she can only get off work at 5.30. So I am still going out.

Too much activities! I seriously need to stay at home more. -_-

Alright! Nap time. Will probably post a proper EMOEY update tonight.

The Beauty Of Uncertainty

Damn sian arh!!! Slept the whole day today but still feel tired. Think I am really too old to be clubbing for consecutive nights.

Suddenly have this feeling that I am reverting to my old ways of being unhealthy again. MUST CURB! MUST CURB! Why is it always the bad things that are just so addictive? So craving for chicken wings and fries right now. See what I mean about unhealthy? Sigh...

Nie Nie is off to the land Down Under. Have fun, my dear friend! DON'T DO ANYTHING I WON'T! REMEMBER! TALK FIRST PK LATER! =P

Not sure how I am feeling these couple of days. It's weird, but I somehow din't really feel much of anything. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but I feel neither happy nor sad. I just feel like I am just there, kinda floating through the day but not really.

Also not very sure what is going on right now. Hmmm...

Maybe this is a good thing. Not having much expectations for a good day means that there won't be any disappointments when it turns out to be a crappy one. And double the joy when it goes the other way? Who knows? *shrugs* Sometimes when you get a little of happiness and bliss, it can just be taken away from you the next second. But as some of my friends like to say, just go with the flow and see what happens. But NO EXPECTATIONS! So I am trying my best to do that right now.

Just got a bunch of games for my NDS aka Xiao Hei! Finally got it back from PS. I miss my Xiao Hei! It's time to play! Woohoo!

So tired...

So exhausted!

Just got back from St James again! Din't really wanted to go, but because PS told me HJ is quite keen to go, so I went along cos I know she haven't been clubbing since she got her new last job.

Hur hur, yup, she has already resigned from her "new" job. But we all supported her decision because her boss is not only weird, he kinda shortchanged her by giving her an entirely difference job scope from what was promised.

I think I am not going to be clubbing for a while. Maybe it's just the early waking that I have to do for the past week because of school. I haven't really caught up on my sleep debt yet, and two consecutive nights of clubbing is definitely not enjoyable when I was so sleepy.

And Boiler Room was weird tonight because of this group of LECHEROUS 色魔s who were so blatantly looking to get some action. They kept pulling any woman in their vicinity to dance with them and also trying to grind against them! They even tried to disturb us by constantly pushing against us and cutting into our group.

I even saw one of the women they pulled to dance with them stomp off angrily, when one of the 色魔s kept touching her inappropriately. And she wasn't even that scantily dressed! The audacity! 死色魔s!!!

I just hate it when some men think that just because a woman is at a club, she is a free for all skank for them to anyhow touch!

Like me and my friends, we are just out to go a little crazy and have a good time WITH OURSELVES! We don't need any unwanted attention from disgusting men with roaming hands and BAD BREATH!!! Grrr!!!

But then again, I also saw this woman who was grinding away with two ang moh guys she just met, and they disappeared shortly after. And the next time I saw the two guys, she was no where to be seen.

Sigh... Sometimes, we really can't blame the men, can we? Hmmm...

A Random Sunday

The horror of it!

I missed blogging for ONE DAY!

OMG! I shall compensate, or rather, over-compensate by posting A LOT today!

Yoniko THREATENED me by saying that she will not send me some pictures we took on Friday and Saturday, unless I send her the pictures we took on Tuesday and Thursday.

So mean! Hahahaha! Osh Kosh 不乖 wor!

Anyway, went to St James yesterday night with PS and Yoniko to meet up with PS's cousin and her friends. Keke, I had a friend joined us too, but I think he don't want me to announce his big name. Think he's shy~~~ Hur hur!

Anyway, it was fun. Although the circumstances were less than pleasant.

PS's cousin, who I only met once before but really like because she's such a gung-ho lady, found an unwrapped condom in her husband's clothes. I am not really sure if her husband admitted anything yet. But I am sure the pain and uncertainty is definitely not easy to take. She seems fine during clubbing and everything, but I know that she is suffering immensely.

Sigh. Men.

I don't even want to get started anymore.

I don't know if it's really become extremely difficult for good relationships to happen. Is it because women have changed? Become more independent, self-assertive and knows what they really want, while the men still have not changed from their ancient, cavemen mindset counterparts of male ego and self-conceived dominance over women, that results in so many unhappy relationships?

Hmmm... Once again, this has become something that I do not want to think about for the time being anymore.

-Side-note: Gou Gou just told me how to spell the hanyu pinyin for 惨. Yeah! Now I can finally use the word! 凄凄惨惨 惨惨凄凄~~~
Haha.

Ahahaha. And in being entirely random, I shall end this post with a short convo of me and Gou Gou. I told her I will post it, and I shall!

Gou Gou says: go facebook buy me lah

Gou Gou says: human pets

Gou Gou says: drive up my value

Gou Gou says: LOL

Me says: hahaha

Me says: finally you decided to try human pets

Gou Gou says: what

Me says: so passe le leh

Me says: haaha

Gou Gou says: i tried since long time ago lor

Gou Gou says: pls lah

Gou Gou says: so mean

Me says: hhaha

Me says: so funny, i shall post this convo in my blog

Gou Gou says: LOL

Gou Gou says: please hor

Gou Gou says: luff at me right

Gou Gou says: i have like 500 odd requests lor

Gou Gou says: but really to lazy to look through them.. lao liaoz

So random, right, what we talk about. Hoho! And now, I shall get on with what I want to do for today. Which is basically slack, watch a couple of episodes of 再战封神榜 or 奇缘III, napping and maybe get in some reading done in between. Shiok! Heh.

The wait is officially ON

11 DAYS TO...

SEX AND THE CITY MOVIE!

Some Thoughts

Every single person experiences suffering differently. It may be physical, mental and/or emotion. And it is through our own individual sufferings that we learn and grow. Move closer to the ultimate truth. Enlightenment if you will.

But for some, their sufferings become so unbearable, that they eventually give up. Seek the easy way out.

This thought came to me, while I was watching the video “Ran”, an adaptation of King Lear that my lecturer showed to us in Values and Cultures class.

The pitiable Lord Hidetora, proud and victorious for most of his life, finally suffered in old age from the betrayal of his sons. That kind of deep, bone-searing pain that plagues a person until eventually, he chose to succumb to madness, perhaps as a bid to escape from the anguish and sorrow.

I am not saying exactly that I am suffering. Or even in pain remotely close to what is portrayed in the movie. I just feel like there is no reason for me to even take joy in the simpler pleasures in life anymore.

Sometimes I feel that the only reason that I feel so unhappy is because I am afraid to be happy. Because I am afraid that when the moment would come, that it would be taken away from me sooner or later.

I really wonder at times, have I truly been happy before? I used to think that I was. But reading back on a lot of my past entries, I realized that I have never really felt actual contentment. Not even when I was a child.

The only difference is that before, although I was also not happy in the past, I was not unhappy about it. I was okay with it. Probably because I had hopes that eventually, happiness will come to me. Someday.

But now, it seems like this idea of happiness for me has become exceedingly surreal. I have absolutely no positive hope that it will ever come to me.

I tried thinking back on my life a lot in the past couple of weeks. Trying to think through all the things that I have done. Have I at some point of time done something that makes me undeserving of happiness? Or if I have taken a wrong step somewhere, and ended becoming where I am now.

I have always remembered something my grandmother said to me in the past. That although some things come easy to a lot of people, there are still certain people who have to go through things differently, in more difficult ways, before they can eventually find true happiness.

I hate to think that I am THAT special, but it does seem like it has become sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But who really knows what the future will bring?

You.

Why is it always at this time...
When I start to think about you?
I can't sleep like that, you know?
Are you trying out some weird haunting stunt?
That is mean...

Mais, vous me manquez...
Vraiment.

Proof That PS Is IN LOVE With Me!

Everything And Nothing

"In your dreams, you had everything. But when you wake up...
Nothing. - Hensen Moer

Queenstown Afternoon Fiesta~~~

*yawn*

Just woke up from a 2.5 hours long concussion at Yoniko’s place. She stays really near my school, so I decided to come here to slack a bit before our meet-up tonight to celebrate ST’s birthday.

So tired! I blacked out while surfing net yesterday night and forgot to set my alarm. So ended up waking at 8.13 am this morning when my lesson is at 9. But ok lar, I was only an hour late. Hoho!

It’s the second time this week I come to Yoniko’s place loh. Haha, when school ends then don’t think will come here and nua already. The moment I stepped over the threshold, immediately concuss on the sofa. One of those deep comatose-like sleep that sometimes you find it difficult to wake up from. But I did had an interesting dream.

Hmmm. Are looks really so important? Or is it a projection of my own feelings? Oh well… Shall not dwell on it.

Yoniko is weird. The first time I turned around, she was wiping the table. Then now I turn around, barely a few minutes later, she is on the sofa with her cat on her lap. Haha! She is flash girl!

Totally random post, but I am kinda bored right now after waking up. Will probably blog again tonight when I get home. Have some pictures to post up, but feel lazy.

Attending a friend’s wedding this Saturday. It feels kinda weird to be going for a 喜事 at this moment. But DW is an old friend and I really want to be there. And technically, there is no link bah. I guess.

Oh well… Shall surf net while waiting for Yoniko to shower and get ready. Her 猫咪 better don’t harass me. Hahahahah!

Wanted A Short Entry, But End Up With Such A Long Post. I Have ZERO Control!

I am so tired.

But yet can never sleep before 3 or 4 am. But I am thankful that at least I am still sleeping earlier than before, because I have to freaking wake up at 7 am to go to school. Imagine if I sleep at 6 am. Gone.

I know that 7 am is not really that early by a lot of people's standards, but it is damn early for me. I wish I can work a job next time that allows me to sleep anytime I want.

But I guess I am really treasuring these last 9 days of classes in MDIS. It's my last bout as a student! Crapping with my classmates in class, and going to Daniel's after school. I am always strangely attached to a lot of things in my life, and this is one of them.

MDIS has been an eventful phase of my life. I experienced a lot of things that I have never even come close to experiencing in my life. Although it hasn't always been pleasant or positive, I feel that I have come away growing up a lot in the way I look at things. And also knowing what and who I really want to treasure.

I just hope that what Mr Rainbow said is right, that although the MDIS chapter is coming to an end, the chapter of friends that we made in the past 2.5 years has not. And I really hope that everyone makes an effort to meet up at least more than a few times a year.

I am getting wistful again. Haha, think Mr Rainbow is going to say I am living in my own fairytale world again.

Haha! So long never hear this moniker already, right? I guess there's no point in trying to NOT talk about him. We have worked out certain issues, and I guess we are both on the same page in wanting to remain as good friends. Haha, are we finally really on the same page for once? Maybe. Who knows?

I just think that perhaps some people are really just destined to be friends and nothing more than that. I am well aware that not all friendships lasts forever. But life is fleeting as well. If you just let things that matters now slips you by, the regrets are so much more unbearable than the worries that can plague you now.

Oh well, anyway now I am officially on the hunt for Mr Maple Tree. For more information, please refer to this blog entry. I shall not stop believing. Because I will always believe in fairy tales. Because I am Donna Quixote! =P

Don't Use Me As An Excuse For Being A Coward!

What is that supposed to mean? Is that a challenge?

Well, for your information. I never back away from one. And I do it because I DARE and I CAN!

I am not about to let someone, or anyone, rule my life and my right to say whatever the hell I please. So there, that's your reason.

If you want to talk about me in your blog, YOU PUT MY NAME BIG BIG, don't hide behind the ruse of anonymity. It’s just low.

Dammit. Don’t blame others for your own sense of fear and incapability to summon the courage to stand up for yourself. You only have yourself to depend on, so why be afraid? You can dump on others all you want, but eventually, you will realize that you are just dumping on yourself.

Go think about it.

Beauty Is Skin (And Everything Above The Skin) Deep

Today a classmate came up to me and asked if I have been going to the gym, because it seems like I have lost weight. I told him that I haven't been gyming, but I have been doing some yoga. And he seems pretty amused by that.

For some reason, I am not entirely thrilled that people are beginning to notice that I am shedding some pounds, although I have sort of been "flaunting" it with some new clothes. Probably because I don't know when I would go crazy on the food and slack on the workouts, and put on the weight again. Hehheh, that's vanity and women for you. We want people to think that we are getting prettier by wearing nicer clothes and prancing around with more confidence, but we don't want them to realise that we were not as pretty before because we were heavier.

I think I of all people understand the implications of the superficiality that exists in our world and society today, which is as real as the rising prices of rice and potatoes. It is one of the singlemost repugnant thing that brings forth feelings of contempt and abhorrence in me, and yet, I cannot help but be swept away by the wake of its overwhelming dominance.

Hmmm, okay, in less trying-to-be-chim English. I hate people who just bothers about looks, but I cannot help but feel happy whenever people tells me that I look so much better nowadays.

The me now spends each day after my before-going-out bath, thinking of what clothes to wear, whether I should put on makeup and what shoes to go with the ensemble (and all that effort usually results in me looking monotonously casual, so you can guess how much time REALLY CHIO girls spend). Gone are the days when I try to suppress all forms of superficiality in me by stubbornly choosing to wear t-shirts and jeans everywhere I go, and the adamant refusal to purposely lose weight because I want people to "like me for me".

Maybe it was the deep-rooted resoluteness that should the day come when someone will look at me for me; I will gladly "make myself prettier", because I have finally found the person that I want to become a better person for.

Or perhaps deep down, I know that eventually the day will come when I will succumb to society's shallow definition of beauty and eventually choose to start "becoming prettier", which by today's standards is wearing feminine clothes, makeup and, god forbid, showing more skin.

Sigh... Somehow I am not sure if I really like that.

But the thing here is that, I do feel so much more confident now, especially when I don't have to worry about whether I will look weird when I go out with my friends who are always so much better dressed. And isn't confidence and less worry always a good thing? Which woman in this world TRULY don't like people to look at them and think that they are feminine and pretty? Find me a woman like that and I will call her a liar to her face. Because there is no such woman alive.

I guess it is okay to indulge in beauty and a small amount of shallow superficiality from time to time, if it makes you feel good. The most important thing is not to sacrifice the important things such as your own identity and what you stand for, and also to still get it that looks are not everything.

Words Of The Wise

Was at Suntec for steamboat a couple of Fridays back with some of the Pinkies, when I spotted this woman, with A LOT of her butt crack on display.

Immediately slapped palms against eyes, crying out "Ahhh! Eyesore! My eyes! My eyes!"

Wyn immediately replied with an extremely straight face, whilst stirring her soup, "谁无父母, 谁无屁股?"

LOL. Sibei zen!

I have awesome friends who says the funniest things.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

Was doing some random googling when I read about Ellen Simonetti, an ex-flight attendent who was fired for blogging a few years ago. Probably old news, but it kinda makes me wonder if my freakish addiction to blogging will ever come in the way of my job next time.

Would I really stop blogging if the company I will be working for requests for me to cease and desist or risk losing my job?

I don't think I can EVER stop blogging. It's become so much a way of life for me. And I have officially been blogging for three years! If you were to consider my first blog at Livejournal as well, since late 2003... Wah, close to five years! Not bad for a short-attention span person like me, eh?

Anyway, I don't think I can ever stop blogging. But to lose a job over a hobby, albeit a very serious hobby, seems kinda ridiculous and trivial.

Oh well, I will probably not even come to that point, since there are so many millions of bloggers out there nowadays. I think blogging has become so much of a way of life nowadays, every Lulu, Sally and Mary also have a blog. It wouldn't be such a big deal anymore as compared to what Ellen Simonetti faced a couple of years ago.

Anyway her blog is still up with regular updates. I find her blog a very good read.

我要乘风相随, 我们为爱付出永不悔~~~ LOL!

Watching this old local drama, 再战封神榜 on Peanut and feel so nostalgic! It's one of my absolute favourites when I was a kid and totally crazy about Chew Chor Meng. He's so humsum!

It came as a surprise to me that it's really available online. I think gems of dramas like that are hard to find nowadays.

Ho ho.

So hooked on his whole 火神 look. Some classic looks never go out of style. Nyaahahaha! If only the damn thing can stream faster!

At All

In the end, it doesn't really matter.

I had nothing.

Not even a single shred of something that is worth fighting for.

A Saturday Post

Lethargic, lethargic, lethargic.

What a restless Saturday afternoon. I can actually go out now and meet HJ because she is on her way to town, but just so lazy to get moving.

I hate washing my hair, it's so long now that it takes double the time to wash, condition and dry. And it gets really drippy. Troublesome.

Just spent a bit of time updating myself on friends' blogs and the blogs of people that I spy on from time to time. Not many updates though, not everyone is a blogging freak like yours truly, although someone I know who knows someone I know has just got her heart broken over a 3 or 4 week relationship.

Apparently, the guy already asked her to be his girlfriend, but his ex came back at the most impromptu of times and he kinda just stopped contacting her.

Not sure if I feel sad for her for getting her hopes up and dashed like that, or if I pity her for placing so much stock in such a short relationship in the first place. Oh well, sometimes when we meet someone that really attracts us, we don't really have time to really look at things in perspective.

Anyway, I was just telling a friend online about this funny conversation I had with my Pinkies yesterday. It's about how knowledgeable I am in the Hokkien slang area.

One of the guys from the group yesterday said something like "Tonight no tio leh."

HJ and PS were quite confused because they don't really understand what he meant. So after that, when we went for supper, I tried to explain to them what it means. The convo went something like this:

Me: "Tio is something like when you want to go out, then you want to ask me if I am going out, so you can ask me "Simi tio?" Or if I have plans already and I want to ask you along, I will say "Got tio liao or chut tio liao", understand?"

HJ: -giggles giggles-

PS: So vulgar! Mao! Don't talk like that lar!"

-_-

I really seldom talk like that loh, unless I am trying to be funny or annoying. Is they ask, so I explain, then I kena scolding! These girls hor. Knowledge is power, people! But I think it's true to a certain extent that I do have unladylike speech patterns. I am trying to curb, I cannot imagine if I say to my boss next time, "Boss, gin meh simi tio?" I think the boss will kick me out of the company so fast, I don't even have a chance to blink loh.

Hehheh. Actually Hokkien is quite a funny language. It's so vulgar sometimes it's awesome. If you catch me spewing Hokkien at you, it means I either know you damn well or I am trying to repel you. Whichever makes you sleep better at night.

Sigh, tired until KNS!!! Must I really drag myself out of bed? Or should I take a nap first? Hmmm...

PS: Whoa, I almost closed the notepad that I was typing this entry on, without posting it because I got sidetracked was not paying attention. I could kill myself if I forgot to post after all the miniscule effort I put into typing it out.

Like A Grain On The Beach

Went out on a "group date" with HJ's friends today and found myself actually having fun. Being shamelessly peddled by your friends as being a good "potential girlfriend" is definitely a liberating experience.

I went to meet PS first, but she was LATE for HALF AN HOUR! She was kinda worried that I would be angry, but I was actually just sian because I have to sit at Raffles Place alone, with the people whizing past me like they are on their way to collect their winning 4D prize or something. Why do peak hour train-takers always seem to act like they are on some deadly mission to go somewhere? It's so peculiar.

Anyway, so I waited for her at Raffles Place for half an hour. And when she met me, she gave me a packet of White Chrysanthemum drink to make up for it. Haha. She really thinks that I am a child. But she also gave me something else to cheer me up lar, so I shall forgive her.

My dear Pinkies arh, I know I am not myself right now. And I am worrying some of you with my constant whining and complaining. But I guess it's just something that everyone goes through before they really find what they want in life. I am thankful that as I walk down this seemingly difficult maze, I have you all to watch out for me and make sure that I eventually find the exit. <3 Pink Army! *blush* Muahahaha!

Anyway, I remembered something about Jeremy today that I really feel like blogging down. It was a staff retreat at Pasir Ris, and we were all hanging around at the beach, playing around and chit chatting. Somehow, I just got comtemplative and sat a little apart from the others. And Jeremy came over, sat beside me and asked me why I was not joining the others, who by then were playing with sea water.

The conversation went something like that, also don't really remember actual words.

"No lar, I don't like to play with water. Ma fan, must change later."

"Ok loh, then wo pei ni."

"No need lar, go play with them lar. Last night liao leh."

"Then you still sit here? You only say but you don't do."

"No leh. I like sitting here. Can think mah."

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing loh. Things loh. I am a very deep person, okay?"

He laughs.

"Actually I am thinking why every guy seems to put me into the buddy zone. I am like permenent resident of the buddy zone." (Haha, I also don't know why I said that, but I just did. Damn paiseh to think of it now. How can a girl talk like that to a guy? Haiyoh!)

He laughs again.

"Don't laugh leh, very saddening one leh."

"No lar, I am not laughing at you. It's just that I think you are very comfortable to be around. Too comfortable sometimes that guys just forget to see that you are a girl."

"Thanks ah! Thanks!"

"No lar, actually, I think it's just that you seem like a very strong character. Guys get intimidated by that."

"Chiam lar. Jia bu chu qu le."

At this point, he kinda reached around me and patted my shoulder twice.

"Don't worry lar, someone will come along. When the timing is right."

And I guess it was at that point I started to look at him in a different light. Someone that I like but had no courage to tell. Not sure if he ever found out about it though. Maybe, maybe not.

Sigh... Why is that when something happens, feelings are the first thing that comes rushing back? And how can a person have strong feelings for two people at the same time? Is one of them just an illusion? A way of pushing away unwanted feelings?

I once experienced having strong feelings for two person at the same time, but one of them turned out to be a magnified infatuation used to block away the impossibility of the other.

So which is which now? I am not so sure myself too.

When are you going to wake up? Haven't sleep enough? Huh?

Feel Canned

I read through some old entries today again. And found myself smiling at a lot of fanciful notions that I had two or three years ago.

Yes, I have officially been blogging long enough to have entries from two or three years ago. It feels good to relive a part of myself from the past. And I am so glad that I started this blog and never gave up on it.

One of the entries that really caught me was the entry I wrote when I had a crush on this guy, and I was wondering if I really liked him or if it was just an infatuation. And whether he is interested in me.

Much as I was frustrated at the time, it was so much better compared to the misery of unrequited feelings that I felt a while ago and still feel from time to time nowadays.

I wonder when I will feel the excitement of a new crush and the thrill of wondering if someone I like looks at me the same way too again. Sometimes such little, insignificant feelings can really make a person feel like there is something to look forward to in their day.

When was the last time I actually felt that waking up is a blessing because my day would just turn out to be beautiful no matter how it goes?

I want back that feeling. So badly.

Now even sleeping has become something I have to make an effort to do. Unless I tire myself out by staying out till really late or working out excessively. There is really no reason for it, just that whenever I try to sleep, so many thoughts assail my mind at the same time, it just becomes really difficult.

I have always known that I am an excessive thinker and I overthink a lot. But I guess this is the first time in my life it has actually caused me to lose sleep. Maybe it’s just that the problems I face now are different.

Grown-up person, grown-up problems.

Sigh... Melancholy is my new best friend.

No matter what I say or pretend to be. I still do. I kept thinking about it on my way home. I can’t say it. But I really, really do. And it’s frustrating me that I can never say it.

A Word.

I do admire you for your persistence. I can never do what you are doing.

I concede.

Hope what you are waiting for comes to you eventually.

"Taking a step back does not mean defeat. It simply means you know what's best for you." - Hensen Moer

A Post That Started With A Different Ending

Was reading this blog of a friend's friend the other night, and the feeling I get is that although she is in a stable, committed relationship with her boyfriend, she is not entirely happy. In one of her posts, she wrote that her only wish is that he would just treat her better everyday instead of being the best boyfriend in the world on the one day of their anniversary.

That got me thinking, maybe stability and commitment is not really enough to make a relationship work? Despite that both parties may want to be in a relationship together, but sometimes certain differences just make it near impossible to be really together without any quarrels and arguements.

But what really makes two persons want to be together?

Apart from the usual being in love, getting along well, having a good time together and actually wanting to be together, maybe there is actually something else that draws two people to each other, and subsequently making the relationship work?

I am saying this because it just seems to me that maybe the above factors are not enough at all. If it is really enough, then we wouldn't be seeing so many broken relationships where what really drove them apart is actually not the lost of feelings, but, more often than not, the abundance of it.

Relationship really takes damn lots of hard work. Sometimes I think that I am really too lazy for all that work.

I chanced upon another blog of this woman who is still hopelessly in love with her ex-boyfriend. And it seems to me that she has been waiting for him for the past couple of years. I wonder where on earth did she get such patience from. Is that guy really that difficult get over? Is he really The One for her? Or can he be The One for two people at the same time. Or is one of them just making herself believe that he may be The One?

And guess the madness of it? This person actually read my blog before. Well, if you still read my blog, I know you do because one of the quotes you used is by me. No one else could have thought of it. I can understand why you are curious about me, because here I am, being curious about you too.

I think we have a lot in common, we even bought the same book "Memory Keeper's Daughter".

LOL.

Talking to someone who I don't even know still reads my blog or not.

I think I have come a long way from sheer craziness.

It's really just interesting how life turns out sometimes...

"You can think that you are the only person who can care about someone the way you do. But the day when you realised that someone else actually loves that person more, it's simply time to admit that you have lost." - Hensen Moer

Budlud.

Dadieeeeee... Budlud... NOT FUNIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

LOL! What a serious kid!

Off The Deep End

Sigh, 6.30 am. And I am still wide awake. Should I go for a workout later? Mima's gotten people to come fix the leaking air-con and it is going to take half the day. Which means I can't stay in my room and slack because men are going to be walking around. And let's face it, they are just going to be disgusted with my pig-like behaviour. Sometimes I think I convert into an animal-like state when I am in my room.

But I still haven't sleep! How to wake up in time? I seriously feel like a good workout. Maybe something new that I haven't tried before. But I really like kickboxing though. Don't know if PS is free tomorrow to go with me. But that means I have to either go Bugis or Jurong Point.

So lazy. But I miss PS!!!

And that HJ hor, come back also never message or call me! Baby! 我不要你了!

But I am happy that my babes are back! I feel so strange without the two of them around to whine about my pathetic little life! Bahahaha!

Wow, I can actually see the sunlight creeping into my room, threatening to further prevent me from sleeping. Wonderful! Oh well, something to light up the gloom.

I hate this feeling of being tired, but not being able to sleep. AND OMG, THERE ARE PROTRUDING VEINS ON MY HANDS! TMD! IS IT BECAUSE OF ALL THE WORKOUT THAT I HAVE BEEN DOING? OMG!!! SO UGLY!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Uber randomness.

But at least it's not that depressing anymore? Yes?

I wish certain people would just get off my case about Jeremy. You are upset and worried about a friend, I am too. Although we have different ways of dealing with it. I am just not big on emotional displays of this genre, but that doesn't mean that I don't care. So...

GET OUT OF MY FACE AND FUCK OFF!

Sigh... As if they would read this or I would really have the guts to say it to their faces. I am such a coward sometimes.

Okay, I cannot find the weights I just bought yesterday. What's up with that? I just left it on the table and now it's gone? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, YOU SILLY WEIGHTS? GROW LEGS AND RUN OFF? YOU THINK YOU WHAT? MICHAEL SCOFIELD? DON'T TRY TO PLAY PUNK AND DO A PRISON BREAK HUH!!??!! Stupid, nincompoopy weights.

HAHA! For some reason, what I just typed is entirely amusing to me, and I am laughing like crazy now. Okay, time to sleep. The best time to sleep is when you are in a happy state. So is it now? Now? NOW?

Where's The Oblivion?

Someone complained to me that not only is my blog gloomy-looking, even the recent posts are gloomy.

Sigh, what to do, I am a gloomy person. Gloom just loves to follow me.

I really have nothing, absolute NOTHING to give thanks to in the year of 2008 so far. And it is already May.

Where is the satisfaction, the cheerfulness, the looking forward to the rest of the year that always comes to me in the middle of the year?

I always have a particular fondness for June, because it is like a marking point for the first half of the year, and basically allows me to think about how I want the rest of the year to go. But it seems like this year, that gloom is going be with me for a while, all the way to December.

Don't think it's that bad?

I am a 25-year-old who is still living off her parents, have no idea what she wants to do after she graduates, is constantly worried about her own health, knows that she will never be pretty enough or slimmed down enough, who also can't seem to even get her love life in order properly, and worried that she is going to die exactly the way she is now and everyone is going to remember her as a loser.

Talk about being neurotic huh?

And did I mention that since the guy that I used to like is in the hospital, I cannot stop thinking about him and kinda placed him on this pedestal-like thing, and is simply just magnifying everything good about him by ten times, and it is now making me very confused. And if that is not sick enough, I know what I am doing, but I just cannot stop it.

Ugh.

I am trying to remember if I have always been this plagued with self-doubt and lack of confidence or it is just something that I have acquired in the recent years. Maybe it was always there, just that I somehow lost the ability to hide it. Which is kinda sad.

Sigh, people are going to think that I am a nutcase. I would just like to point out that I am not crazy.

I am really not!

I am just getting by, and hoping.

The Mind Wanders... Yet Again...

"Sometimes your heart knows things that your mind can't explain."

And when that uncertainty is finally gone, you are left with a lingering feeling of sadness and wonder at what could have been.

I never thought that it was really this easy. A simple thing that I never thought would be something that was the deal-breaker. For the both of us.

I guess in the end, the thing that I can never accept became the thing that helped to put some perspective into the situation. Although my mind is telling me that it is something I can get over eventually, but somehow, my heart just can't seem to find that tolerance to accept it. And stubborness is ingrained in both my mind and my heart. I know that I will never be able to forget this.

And hence, there is no point anymore.

Whatever happens now, I just want you to be happy. And I hope you will be. Even though I won't be around to see it.

My Saturday

Had a rather productive day, if I do said so myself.

Dragged myself up at the unearthly hour of 8.30 am (it is unearthly to me considering I wake up only after noon, literally) to go for kickboxing at Amore with ST.

Almost did not make the class because it was fully booked, luckily they managed to squeeze us in. The class wasn't that full actually, wonder why they told us it's fully booked. Amore works in mysterious ways.

The kickboxing was actually quite fun, but I felt so entirely uncoordinated. Sometimes I think that sports and exercise is just a way of differentiating people with good sense of beat and rhythm from the rest of the clumsy, ungraceful people like me.

Oh well, but I had fun. I think I really prefer faster paced classes like kickboxing or their NB workout. But doing yoga is really helping me with my spine aches, and it doesn’t feel as strained anymore. Which reminds me, I better do a few practices before I sleep later.

Came home after the workout to SLEEP! I felt so tired, but at least I got a goooooood rest. It always feels nice to just sleep after a good workout and a nice long bath.

Went to my classmate, Andrew’s gig at the Esplanade Waterfront in the evening. Actually wanted to ask cousin Jenny along, but I was so rushing for time that I had to cheong down. Sorry ah cousin! I will definitely ask you along the next time.

Anyway, Andrew’s band, Pervy Boy is really good. It’s so funny to see my usually shy and quiet classmate, so outgoing and rocking on the stage. I missed out their last couple of live performances because, well, I am me, but I am glad I finally caught one today! Definitely want to see more of their performances.

They have a blog at http://pervyboyrocks.blogspot.com so do drop them a visit!


PERVY BOY ROCKS!


After the concert, went for dinner with my classmates and then to Coffee Bean at Millennia Walk. Ho ho, it’s been a while since I last sat around and chit chat with my classmates, apart from Chris of course, and it’s nice. Especially that SYL, his talking stamina is still as good as ever! Bahahaha!

See? Such a productive day. Okay, time for daily dose of Viwawa! Bleh! ;)

Super Random Post

I am beginning to think that this Imeem thingy is able to guess my moods. Whenever I open my blog, the music that it plays kinda fits how I feel at the moment.

Yup, I am a crazy person. But what's new?

Actually I have a blog topic when I started this post, but I was just chatting to my friend, Slut Majora, on MSN, and I totally forgot.

Sigh.

My brain is slowly deteriorating day by day. So sleepy. Maybe I should actually get to sleep early today.

-yawn-

Okay, I am off to shower then maybe to bed.

What Happens Now?

Sometimes maybe finding out certain things really is not better.

Although as a natural instinct, we just need to have that knowledge. But after having it, we may realise that we are actually better off not knowing.

I think the part of me that have always hoped for things to turn out differently started to die a little when I finally know the answer that I have always wanted to know.

Let's just hope it completes its death and I can finally be at peace.

I am using the word peace a lot recently. Because that is all I want. Some peace in my mind. So I can sleep before the wee hours in the morning, without having nonsensical dreams that constantly jerks me awake.

I have been sleeping even lesser since I heard about Jeremy. I went to see him. Not just standing outside like a stupid coward, but actually saw him. It was a terrible experience. I can't even begin to describe. I think I blacked out a little. I managed to hold out until I got onto the bus after I left the hospital, before I started tearing for my friend.

I don't really know what to say. I don't even want to remember it.

I think I dreamt about him last night. I can't remember, I just remember waking up in the morning with this weird constricted feeling in my chest.

Sometimes you can be surrounded by everyone who cares about you, and just feel like you are alone and drowning. I really feel like hiding somewhere until everything negative disappear. But everyone knows that there is no such thing. Life is never kind enough to offer that kind of reprieve to anyone.

Sometimes Even Getting A Good Night's Sleep Is Happiness

I was talking to a friend that I haven't talked to in a while, and she suddenly said:

"You don't seem as happy as you used to be."

I was caught off-guard by this comment. Afterall, we were gossiping and having a great time. And of course, I brush it off by making the usual over-enthusiastic, self-deprecatory, sarcastic remark of:

"Why would I not be happy? I am a bum! The most happening type of people in the world!"

She gave me a strange look and just replied:

"You just don't seem to have that spark anymore."

Although she changed the subject after that, and we went on to gossipping about other things, what she said had already got to me. I guess it is true what some people says, that sometimes when you get older and really grow up to see how life can really screw you up, it is difficult just trying to get through each day, much less be genuinely happy.

Don't get me wrong, I am contented with my life. I have more in my life than a lot of other people can wish for. But I guess everyone has something lacking in their lives that prevents them from being truly happy.

And I am no exception in the grand scheme of things. Which is kinda sad because I have always thought that I can be one of the lucky few who are really blessed with the ability to be happy no matter what happens.

Sometimes I really envy people who just have a simple outlook on life. They don't overthink, overcrave or overcomplicate anything. And these are the type of people who just live each day as it comes, and is happy most of the time.

I really want to be someone like that. But I know that I can't.

And that is life too. Sigh...